my friend is drifting away...how do i talk to her? (long ramble)

[nightowl]

i was very close to my friend until she hooked up with a bloke when we were teenagers. he hated me and i stopped going to see her or phoning her in the end as he made me feel so uncomfortable. a couple of years ago she finally got out of this abusive relationship and we became very close again. she then started seeing a bloke who buggered off and left her pregnant. i was there for her. then my bf did the same and she was there for me too. we've been through so much together this last year and both said how we kept each other sane but now its all changed. her ex has come back, messed her around for months, hurt her, hit her and even told people she doesnt look after her kids, because he wanted cutody of the youngest (the others were with her first bf). she is now with him and im sorry but i just couldnt be happy for her. i know its what she wanted and how much she loves him but i couldnt pretend to be happy when i thought she was wrong taking him back. i havent been nasty but just said well its your choice and you know i will be here for you whatever happens. but now she hardly ever phones me. if i phone her she is with him or his friends (a couple). if she's not with one of them she's too tired to talk, or too busy catching up on housework. if she does have time, its a one sided conversation...i try to talk and just basically get yes and no...or sometimes not even a reply as she's thinking about other things. i feel used really. ive made an effort to speak to her partner but i dont think i am now part of her "happy" new life. my ex never came back or saw his baby so im not "in her club" anymore. ive tried to tell her how i feel but she doesnt even realise she's doing it. (she's quick enough on the phone to me when he lets her down though). i think she finds me boring now she's having so much fun with the rest of them. she IS a friend and i know if i was in trouble she would always help but its the day to day things that matter too surely? i dont want to fall out over this but im not the only long term friend of hers that feels this way and ive got to say something.

Hi Nightowl, This may sound harsh, but I would just let her be for now. It sounds like you've made it clear to her that you will be there if she needs you. It sounds like she doesn't want to make the effort now, and I think it will hurt if you tell her that you miss her friendship, etc, and then she continues to be inconsiderate. If she's a true friend, she will come to you and want to talk. I'm sure you have other nice friends whom you will enjoy spending time with, without feeling like they are ignoring you. Hang in there.

Hi Nightowl. Is there a chance that she seems distant not because things are going so well in her eyes, but because they are going badly - i.e. she is living with a controlling violent man? Maybe she is distant on the phone either because he is trying to separate her from her friends or because she doesn't want to have to pretend everything is going okay. I don't think there is anything you can do, other than maybe at least phone her every month or so, just to let her know that you will always be there if she needs you.

Hi nightowl, this is janstar, I have changed my name. I think she is being distant because she knows in her heart that you are right about her relationship, yet she can't stop herself from being with him again. She will have to break away from him in her own good time. I am sure that when that time comes, she will want to be with you again. It isn't that she used you before - she just simply can't cope with the conflict of wanting this man emotionally and knowing in her head that he is bad news. Being the good friend you are, you won't let her pretend to herself and that is making her face this when she isn't ready for it.

Don't give up on her, just give her some space. I think the time will come when she will begin to want to leave him and she will need you badly then. Never underestimate the power of a bullying man to crush a woman's confidence and to diminish her vision of her own needs. I think he has told her so many times that she doesn't matter that she is now treating herself that way. Being with you reminds her that her needs are important and she just can't handle it at the moment.