Feeling Trapped!

[WingingItBigTime]

Basically as the title says....!

I’m feeling somewhat trapped in my current relationship.
We’ve had a fab couple of years together, live together, have an 8mo boy who we both adore and we are due to get married in May.

Problem is that last week my OH and I got into a heated argument and next thing he had let his frustrations/feelings get the better of him. He’s not a generally violent person, nor is he a bad person by any means. I genuinely believe he has some unaddressed issues and he agrees. Willing to get help and doesn’t want it to happen again. I’ve never ever been given any reason to feel unsafe with him - till then.

Problem is, I’m not sure if I’m staying with him now because I love him and want to give it a go or because I’ve somehow become so frigging dependant on him and his mother!! He works shifts and I’m returning to my nursing degree with just 1 ward placement left in January which means I’ll also work shifts.

His mum is providing all the childcare and even though I always always always pay my share of the bills (not the mortgage as that’s in my OHs name so legally nothing to do with me), I have so very little disposable income and no savings to my name. So even if I wanted to leave him I wouldn’t have any money to support me and my son!

I have a really really great network of friends and family so lots of support if and when I need it.

I’ve decided today to not return to my studies and I’m looking for a job so that I can earn a regular wage, go to work regular hours and sort out our own regular childcare and start saving some money. Even if it’s not much that I can put away. I feel I need to get back in some control of my life Just in case anything were to happen again or I decide that I can’t get past what happened.

Sorry for the long post, I just wondered if anyone else had ever been in this kind of situation and how did you regain some independence/control of your life?

Thank you for reading x

Do you mean he was violent towards you? There is no salvaging this relationship if he was violent

Doesn't want what to happen again? Did he hurt you?

Yes and no I guess. It sounds worse than it probably was - he stormed over and put his hands around my neck screaming shut up in my face. He wasn’t choking me or anything like that, I don’t believe he was wanting to hurt me. I think he had got to the end of his tether for whatever reason, but naturally it was a shocking and very very very unjustifiable action! I’m feeling that it’s actually unforgivable and that maybe I don’t want to be with him anymore, even though I know deep down this isn’t who he is as a person.

It was more the feeling trapped aspect I was wanting to discuss rather than the incident but I guess there’s no shying away from it x

I think you feel trapped because you've convinced yourself that you should stay with him when all your instincts rightly tell you to get away because he's dangerous

I was wondering if it’s bevause I feel like I should stay for whatever reason but I honestly don’t think he’s dangerous. I know that sounds crazy, and I’m probably being really naive or whatever. I genuinely don’t though x

Putting his hands round your neck has massively increased your risk of being murdered by this man.

There's proper statistics about it online.

They are never violent just the once, it will happen again. I'm sorry

(I didn't leave for 5 years, he very nearly killed me. I'm now happily married and have just had baby DS)

Even though he has never ever laid a finger on me before?

Sorry I never thought I’d find myself in this situation. I’ve always been ‘of this ever happened well I’d be off and they’d never see me etc’ but it doesn’t seem quite so simple somehow :( xx

That sounds very scary OP. This is who he is as a person because he did it, nobody made him. I told myself the exact same thing the first time my ex husband assaulted me and it just got so much worse. I nearly died staying in that marriage and I know it's a cliche but I truly am grateful for every day of my freedom, waking up unafraid is something I won't ever take for granted again.

You said you felt unsafe, do you feel that way now? Do you have any rl support besides his mum?

No I wouldn’t say I feel unsafe now no. I just don’t really feel like I want to be around him! I feel like the relationship has just completely broken down because of it but him and his mum seem to think I’m being unreasonable as ‘everyone has a limit and sometimes gets this red mist/red haze’. I feel that’s pathetic and I told his mum to shut up mentioning it to me yesterday when I went to pick my boy up.

I’m still living in the house but I don’t know. I don’t want to be taking his son away from him either. I think I’m staying for all the wrong reasons but then feel like I’d be giving up too easily x

Agree with everyone who says hands round neck are a huge red flag.
Just google it. Seriously. It happened to me. No mega violence after. Just the occasional hands round throat.

Well it destroyed everything and made me scared and I wish I had left earlier.

But it's good you're posting on here. It means you know it's not normal. You're minimising it for obvious reasons. No one wants this to happen to them.
No one wants to think the man they love is capable of inflicting fear.
But that's what it is. Even if it's not massive amounts of violence, its fear. And that gets into your Bones

I have no advice other than to perhaps start seeing a therapist who might be able to help you process this. I know life is not as simple as LTB

Worriedrose im sorry you’ve been through it too :( it was very scary.

He has said that he will get help and I will speak to someone to help me try and regain some trust again. I know neither of these steps guarantees the lovely relationship we had before this stupid act destroyed what we had, but I don’t know what else to do to and feel like I owe it to us to try again. Even though I know damn well I don’t owe anybody anything actually! X

His mum's reaction is shocking. I'm reading this as though you and your OH live with her, is that right? If you were to leave, would you have anywhere to go? I understand your comments about not wanting to 'take his son away' and giving up too easily but really, it'd be far better for your DS to not grow up watching his dad abuse his mum and as for giving up, you don't owe him a relationship and you haven't done anything wrong. He doesn't have the right to put his hands on you in anger and you deserve much better. I hope you're ok this evening.

Oh, I've just seen your update. Wish you all the best OP, I genuinely hope things work out for you

Winging please call women's aid, or your local domestic abuse service. They will support you and give info on help that is available for you and him. If that's appropriate. They'll know. Please call them.