Yuk!! Ducks in a row

[Wotapalaver]

Have decided to well and truly get ducks in a row. Seems my DH has moved on from over communicating with our assistant and also a previous very old EA to hardcore online porn (usually female on female stuff) whenever I’m not around and often several times a day. It’s like someone has to replace one buzz with another. I did ask a while ago and he said he uses it occasionally when away and I’m ok with that, however this is clearly not the case. Can’t see any paid stuff anywhere, but lots of ‘amateur’ stuff and ‘girlfriends’ stuff. I am pretty upset, at the moment he is meant to be doing everything to prove he is trustworthy and whilst I have seen nothing in RL saying he isn’t, I draw the line at prolific secret use, whether free or not. I have upped this aspect slightly in our life to see if it made a difference and it hasn’t. I don’t want to get into a ‘porn is all ok’ debate, as I’m not anti it in moderation . It just seems to me he gets off on secrecy, and replaces one thing with another. Anyone else had this and decided to tell them to do one. I have to be honest, it is totally putting me off that aspect of our lives. I haven’t by the way installed spyware, I’ve just checked on the router traffic (as it shows all, whether private browsing or not) I appreciate the trust has gone and that’s reason enough to leave anyway, but I do like to have reasons, especially when I stayed after an old EA. I feel so gobsmacked , we have been good friends, together 21 years and I am to be honest somewhat disgusted.

Men can and do get addicted to porn. I did for over a decade. Well, I found I couldn't stop even when I wanted to. It wasn't that I didnt love my wife. Porn was my own little world I could go to when I had high anxiety or low self-esteem. So it was a bit like a drug or alcohol addiction.
But this can be broken. I joined Sex Addicts Anonymous and went through a 12 stage programme like AA. It works.
I think porn is profoundly selfish. It does affect a relationship because you lie and also because you are going elsewhere so intimacy is wrecked. I'd say women should have zero tolerance. I only went to SAA and so did most married men because we were told it was that or divorce. Men in that situation tend to be highly motivated! But you really do have to be ready to admit you have a problem. It is not just men either!
What I want to know is when did we vote for porn to be one click away in our lives? It is this availability which makes quitting so hard. You are like an alcoholic with a bottle in his pocket.
For me SAA didnt just work it has also helped me to deal with the underlying anxiety and egotism which led to this situation.

That's a great post HappyJohn
It's good see that some men understand it is an issue and want to get help to resolve it.
And as you say, it's accessible all the time.
It does affect relationships, massively.

Agree! Great post John.

Thanks John and thank you all. It does seem to be on here that we all have to be cool these days about it. Well I am and Im not. Im cool as an occasional 'thing' (and yes that may be me being controlling) I am not cool as a 3 times within 24 hours thing including amateur homevideo stuff out there and such stuff. I think its being used to replace the fact I caught him out on overtexting with a colleague secretly (innocent enough stuff but way way too much and not about work) I genuinely think there is a bit of a screw loose and its the secrecy he likes. One of the sites shows up on the stats as 'premium' too on videos he looked at, which checking out shows that it was paid as subscription , now how he is doing this I dont know but I suspect he is using a second account etc. Its this kind of secretive shit I really feel I cant get past. Am doing nothing at moment apart from sorting some business stuff and observing. I am just one of these people who like the facts before I say 'sod off' , although its very hard I must admit being normal and nice. When I nip into town on my own, Im very tempted to say 'plenty of time for you then on xxxx site' .