Extended family - is it a good idea?

[WonderGran]

We are thinking of moving to be near our children and grandchildren. It seems a no brainer to me - we could help when they are ill, help with homework and activities - teach them to knit and sew etc. But the parents are not sure - they say we will make a nuisance of ourselves. Anyone else think this? Or is it always good to have a Granny around?

Gosh.
I wish my dad would move nearer us, so we could help each other out, keep each other company, generally be in each other's lives.
We rub each other up the wrong way now and again, and don't agree on everything but I appreciate his company and support.
However, I'm not sure about whether I would move nearer my son or daughter if they spoke to me like that. Was it said with humour?

I think it's definitely very useful to have family close by and would like to have my family closer. However if your child and their partner are discouraging you from moving then I think you should respect their wishes.

I wouldn't do it unless my children wanted me to. If they were serious when they spoke to you like that, then I'm surprised you want to live near them. If joking, then there might still be an element of wariness - lots of people really don't want to have hands on grandparents. They might want to do homework etc with the children and not lose out on time with their dc because the gps have taken over.

Honestly, some people just like their own personal space and are not ones for having lots of family involvement.

I would absolutely kill to have loving parents who wanted to move nearby and build a close relationship with my children. It would be a dream come true. Were they joking when they said you would make a nuisance of yourselves?

Make it clear that you don’t intend to be living in each other’s pockets.
You will have your own things to do, join clubs, meet new people. But to be there when needed, good to see the grand kids grow up.

It is good to have grandparents/parents nearby if you have a good relationship with them. If your children are telling you that you will make a nuisance of yourselves, then you don't have a good relationship. Sorry, this must be hard to hear.

If you want to improve the relationship, you need to find out what you are doing wrong. Ask them what they mean about making a nuisance. Listen to the answer without getting defensive or argumentative. Then have a good think about whether there might be some truth in what they say and what you can do about it.

The other possibility is that you have selfish and uncaring children who don't want you involved in their lives much. Again, this is hard to hear. for you.

I’d love my mum to live nearby and to want to help out. Unfortunately she’s always been selfish and would never do anything with a beneficial motive for herself.

If you move to be nearby your children and find that they don't involve you........ Then what ??

They say you will make a nuisance of yourselves?

Fuck them then!

If they DO want or need you - and you're 100's of miles away, they will only have themselves to blame.

Who is saying this? Your son? Daughter? Son-in-law? Daughter-in-law? I just cannot imagine anyone who has a good relationship with their parents saying this.

Do you get on?

But the parents are not sure - they say we will make a nuisance of ourselves.

There's your answer. They don't want you closer.

I'd love my parents closer ... but house prices where we live ate too high.

You could buy 4 houses with what the almost equivalent of their house costs.

I do know that it would be a different kind of stress for us siblings though. We'd have to visit regularly and help then out with shopping and stuff.

It's lovely you want to be closer to them!
I really hope they didn't say the nuisance part, thats horrid if they did

But the parents are not sure - they say we will make a nuisance of ourselves.

Don't move. Don't do it. You will be walking on eggshells around them. Instead move or stay somewhere you will build your own life, friends, holidays, hobbies, interests.

But the parents are not sure - they say we will make a nuisance of ourselves

Well, in the nicest possible way, what is it that has brought them to this conclusion ?

There are threads on here EVERY SINGLE DAY about interfering MiLs, and others about people who don't like family 'just popping in, and others about people wanting their Mothers to give them some space and others wanting their mothers to stop coming in to their home and making demands, or criticisng what they are doing.

Now I don't know you, and I don't know your son or your daughter, but there are 2 sides to every story, and I don't subscribe to this "everybody take the side of the OP without really knowing anything about them" thing that happens on some threads.

You ^might be the mother/ MiL from hell, or you might be the loveliest, most considerate person going - we don't know, but there must be some reason they have said it ???

You move they then feel like they cant. I get this.

You move they then feel like they cant. I get this.

yes this too. What happens if they move in 5 years? Do you follow them?

As much as i love my parents it would be really hard if they wanted to move here only to be near me. I am an introvert and i fear that might happen in the future. It's not about not wanting their company but the fear that they'll focus a lot on me and have high expectations regarding the amount of time spent together.

You need to have a life of your own too. In theory, I'd love it if my parents were close enough to pop round on Sunday for lunch, or pick up DS from school on a Tuesday, but the reality is that they'd want much more. Where they live now they have friends, and a routine, and activities they're involved in.

My parents (as much as I love them) would want weekends and sleepovers on top of of all the other stuff we have to keep track of. Move closer, by all means, but don't assume that you'll see a lot more of them.

Sorry, posted too soon. I'd love it if my parents lived an hours drive away. I'd love to see more of them, and it would be a lot cheaper than travelling 400 miles each time! I wouldn't want them moving just to help with the kids.

I honestly would go crazy if my own DM moved closer to me. I can't stand being around her for too long and certainly don't want her helping with child care as I don't trust her. And if she just moved expecting to help out she'd be heavily disappointed and resort to emotional blackmail.
Even though my DF and DsM are lovely but I like being 350 miles away from them.
I would like to be closer to siblings and my DNan though.

What I'm trying to say is while it might be nice for you, sometimes the children want or need space. You can always discuss it at another time in the future but for now, if they're not sure or against it I'd listen to them to stop any possible problems from occurring.

I can see both points here, I'm a single mother too 3 dd's & we are lucky enough that my DM lives next door to us, shes a god send to me & helps me with my girls everyday with her next door & my sister living close I have never felt like Ive been raising my girls alone for 9 years & don't see myself as a single mum as I have them too to help with near enough anything & help with support advice etc, but I say this in the nicest way poss oc living so close & having the type of relationship we have ( her supporting me/ me supporting her everyday) causes us to have a relationship were we like each others partner & end up snapping at each other after a bad day just like how a relationship is but having her here for us so outweighs the latter plus its lovely having her so close nobody misses anything & we all get to be there for all the happy, successful things in each others lives, I guess its a decision you should make on your own personal situation & oc listen to everyone concerned points & make your minds up by what's best for your whole family as a whole

Thank you everybody for your comments! 50% of you think it's a good idea and 50% don't! But it's wonderful that everybody contributed and your experiences have given me a lot of insight - thanks again!

Hmm. I'd check the maths on that. There are FAR more people saying it doesn't sound like a good plan for you.
Perhaps this might be one of the issues? That you hear what you want to hear /read what you want to read ?

I think it’s really hard for parents to “let go” of their children when they become adults.

You can’t choose your family, so you can never predict how well you will get on with your parents and siblings once you are an adult.

As parents, you (generally speaking) love your children and want to get on with them.

But children grow up, get married and have children and create their own immediate family.

Sadly, that may mean that you are no longer close to your children.

Having children changes everything as often their is behaviour you might accept from your parents, but you don’t want to expose your children to that behaviour.

Sometimes the personalities just don’t mix well.

I’d go mad if my parents or inlaws lives close to us. I would rather pay for childcare than rely on family as it causes so many problems.

I love family but I need space from them too.

Their comments should be heeded, don’t give up your life if they are not desperate for you to live close to them. You are likely to end up disappointed and have given up a lot for nothing.