Feeling desired?

[TheHandmaidsTail]

Arrggh. Not sure how to start this, I feel disloyal even thinking about it.

DH is lovely, kind, considerate, good dad, good partner, and I fancy him. Been together 15 years so no mean feat imo!

But... I don't feel desired by him. We have sex about once every 3 weeks, mainly instigated by me. He has a stressful job and is overweight (as am I although not as much) and just doesn't seem to have much of a libido. He's never been a three times a night man, but I feel as though he's too lazy to really bother. Or actually, maybe he'd just rather be doing something else?

The upshot is that I want to feel desired, and am looking for that from other places. Would never have an affair, but I am starting to want male attention and being a bit more flirty. Frankly I don't know what's wrong with me - I haven't looked at another bloke since I met DH and put it down to a mid life crisis, at 42, but I don't think it is. I think it's because he doesn't make me feel good in that way. Which isn't his fault, my self esteem shouldn't be based on DH's actions. I'm a grown up so I know I am being utterly unreasonable.

It just makes me sad and I wondered if anyone else feels the same way And if anyone has had this in their marriage and come through it?

Obvious question - have you told him how you feel?

Erm, sort of. Maybe I should be more direct.

I've explained how I felt when I asked him for an early night and he rolled his eyes - that was a particular highlight. He apologised, but I was cross for a few days.

The catalyst for posting now was I mentioned a shag, was slightly more romantic, and he said he had jobs to do! Bloody jobs! And then said no, we should have an early night. Hardly sweeping you off your feet is it.

He is affectionate though, and he'd do anything for me. It's just this. And if I asked him if he fancied me, he'd say yes and I'm sure he'd mean it... but he just doesn't act on it very often.

Don't have any advice but I feel exactly the same as you. I've tried to talk about it and he just ends up feeling pressured. I've not always handled it well.

Has he got loads of stuff to do though? My DH will mention going to bed when I am knee deep in laundry, trying to sort stuff out for the next day, etc. If he just waited until I had actually got stuff done (or helped more in the evenings) I would be a lot more inclined.

No, I do all most of that.

He's stressed at work, I get that. But he's just spent half an hour playing the guitar although he is making me a cup of tea.

We've always averaged about once a fortnight. Definitely him not me, I'm a couple of times a week - or was with previous partners. I got used to that, had a couple of kids so not top of my priorities anymore. And he is affectionate. He's just not that fussed about sex.

Maybe he’s depressed?

Yeah you probably do need to be more direct. I am on the other side of this (male) and as my DW often tells me - men don’t pick up on subtle messages .

Could he be feeling self conscious?

OPyou sound a bit up yourself. “Look at me I want make attention”
How would you feel if your DH was posting similar on a male forum?
Be an adult and talk to him

Do you make him feel desired in the way you want him to make you feel? If you initiate the once in three weeks how do you do it? Is it more matter of fact or is it spontaneous?

Maybe try interjecting some fun into your sex life.... my dp and I have a 6mo old so we’ve got to be creative

Be dominant in a sexy way, if he’s says he’s got jobs to do tell him you’ll help him out if he helps you out

But mainly don’t put pressure on him otherwise he will run from it :( think back to a time where you both had that spark and try to think of all the components that played a part :)

Good luck x

After 15 years, there is actually a chance that he doesn't desire you as he once did. That can happen. Some people mask it well but others not so much.

I don't think he's depressed, and it's been going on a long time.

I think we have got into a rut, as we never did very well on the spontaneous front - so I kind of gave him notice. This isn't sounding good is it. Not demanding sex from him, more a "we haven't had it for a while, so maybe this weekend..." If I try and jump on him he's usually too tired. He is a few years older than me though.

He might feel self consious but I tell him I fancy him, and how attractive I find him, which I do! Especially when he's all dishevelled from work but again it doesn't lead to much. And I agree I can't pressure him, I had very little libido when pregnant and I would have hated to have felt pressured. I would never do that, not intentionally.

Bit mean spirited overnightangel (and an ironic user name). If I was up myself I would have said "look at all the male attention I get". If DH was posting on an anonymous forum, I would feel much happier than if he was discussing it with our mutual friends.

We went away for a night last week, I had a bath and while I was just getting out I heard him softly snoring. Knackered bless him

Thanks user, that's what worries me. But I'm not sure what I can do, my desire for him hasn't changed.

There isn't really a lot you can do if it has.

Age may be a factor too.

@Roweami I took your advice. And asked do you fancy me. He said, of course I do, what sort of question is that?

Maybe it is stress.

Was that it OP? Did you not expand on why you asked the question...? If so then hopefully he’s come to some understanding of how you’re feeling but if not he may be left slightly confused. Now you’ve taken the leap and asked maybe consider (if you haven’t already) opening up and telling him how you’ve been feeling lately? :) he’s said he does find you attractive which means he fancies you he’s just not acting on it which is an easier fix to a ‘no I don’t!’ Answer that’s for sure!

Open a bottle of wine and relax for the evening together and just subtly mention the situation again :)

Yes - as above - keep the conversation going. And move on to the next step that as you do still fancy each other it would be nice if you BOTH showed it a little more often. I say ‘both’ to make it not sound as though the lack of action is only down to him (even if you feel it is). We ‘males’ can be a bit ‘touchy’ and defensive at times .

My DW and I are also mis matched - albeit the other way round.

While I cannot put myself in your husband's position entirely, I also need at least a couple of hours 'downtime' switching off doing nothing after a long day at work and an early night would not be so appealing because of that.

I think this is because the idea of getting up, going to work, eating, doing household jobs, going to bed smacks of drudgery to me and I need to switch off from the day (which lying in bed does not do)

Now, obviously for me some, the idea of sex could change that but it may be that he is worried it would mean he could not go back downstairs and watch tv or pick up whatever her was doing before as it would be 'lights out' time?

I would probably have 3 suggestions to think about:

1. Does it have to be an early night going upstairs or is the lounge/other rooms a possibility?

1. I am not probing and not looking for you to answer/give any details but ...

while I will take whatever opportunity I can get, a 'quickie' has less attraction for me sometimes than a 'proper' session

If you have fallen into the pattern of quickies it may be that he would prefer something longer, more involved foreplay, role-play, dressing up etc

1. The best 'fix' for DW and I was to start using dating language, getting out to the pub for an hour etc (teenage DD rolled her eyes when I told her I was taking DW on a date to the supermarket at the weekend )

It is just a little change but we cuddle more, kiss more, sit closer on the sofa etc because I try to think of her as my girlfriend that I met 20 odd years ago when she was a teenager.

It may be that your DH needs to be taken back to period when you did french kiss on the sofa watching a film etc?

Other than that I am a bit lost for advice tbh

BTW - nice to see you are not getting the responses you would if you had been a man posting this I think people should be able to get frustrated at being rejected sexually without it being their fault or being told they are abusive or a (wo)manchild.

Well it worked, he took me out for dinner and there's no nice way to say it we had a shag.

I said we should probably try and get ourselves healthier as well, which he agreed with. Onwards and upwards...

Thanks for the helpful comments

Isn't it nice when a plan comes together (so to speak)!

Really interesting thread, good for you OP, really positive for your relationship to not let this slide too.

Three times in a week. I’m wondering what I’ve unleashed

That's great news TheHandmaidsTail. Hope you have both turned a corner and I may well ask for tips once I get over the seething jealousy