I feel sorry for my abusive stbxh and its driving me crazy. Have you felt like this to? How did you make it stop?

[ferriswheel]

Just that. He's behaved so badly towards me and our children. But I can't help but feel so sorry for him even although he truly has tried to destroy me. How can I stop this feeling of wanting to reach out to him? I know for someone to behave so badly they must be very unhappy and it makes me feel so sad for him and all he has lost.

Did/do you feel like that too? How do I stop this?

You are all so helpful. This thread is really sorting my head out.
I can't write more now but will when I have time.

Iloveclothes OMG. Really? Do you really think that? Fk.

You are all so helpful. This thread is really sorting my head out.
I can't write more now but will when I have time.

Iloveclothes OMG. Really? Do you really think that? Fk.

Yes i do think that. The night i left my x i cried for how he'd be feeling. I wasnt sufficiently connected to my own needs and feelings to feel anything helpful for years. I felt chaotic and shameful. But it was years before i was in touch with my own needs and wants again, to really hear my own inner voice and recognise it and respect it. In the run up to that point i was always left with such an uncomfortably unsettled feeling because he judged me and thought i was selfish etc...

Yes. I've cried buckets for how he feels too. That I can't fix it for him. That he has to live in his skin and that he is such an unhappy mess. I find it so difficult to separate from these feelings. Do you think its time that makes this change or did you make yourself get better?

You are suffering from codependency. There are courses and treatments to help people like you manage their codependent traits. There is an awful lot on the internet for free too. Google "codependent no more" or "codependency recovery"

Think about what he has put your innocent children through and then ask yourself if he deserves your pity.

If you don’t deal with these feelings of sympathy you have for him, you’ll attract more people like him and repeat the cycle.

I thought it was on here that op you had said you were an empath but I have just reread thread and see it is not - I'm not sure which thread it is on now but I think this description relates to me.

I have another view on this that we meet people for a reason and each person we meet can teach us something or we can teach them. I had already started to question things and was realising that the materialistic world does not provide all the answers. I think I was slowly starting to change - whether the x sensed this or not - I don't know but the catalyst for our marriage failing was his dm dying and from this he ended up in an affair and left to be with OW.

How things would have panned out had his dm not died who knows - but our main failing is that we had stopped communicating.

What I'm meant to say is if I am an empath then I will always be destined to meet people I can help - but I am also interested in this co dependcy and have one of the books to read. So I will think more on this

Oh no. Lemon, how do I do this? I couldn't bear to go through this again. And you are definitely right about my innocent children.

Thank you everyone. This is very helpful. I don't know about codependent or empath. I consider myself to be very independent and strong so I find it strange to be associated with such traits. I will definitely have to look into this.

Try this quiz www.codependencynomore.com/new-site/codependency-quiz-2/

Pretty much everyone who is codependent thinks they are the strong one. The right one. The one who knows what others just need to do in order for everything to be fine Wanting to fix him is a one of the traits of codependency. As is being a martyr and a judgemental (not an accusation - I can't tell if you are or not from your posts).

I feel similar having left my dreadful ex this year, sometimes I do feel terribly sorry for him, he had a fucked up childhood and always see's himself as a victim (of everybody and everything)
I would never have him back, am well aware of his faults, but I've moved on already, don't dwell on the bad times, Just wish overall things could have been different.

It makes me feel sad he will never take any help to try to overcome his past and will probably end up a lonely old man whose kids will maybe visit out of a sense of duty rather than love..

I think that my feelings are simply because I'm a decent person

I'm told he hates me, I don't hate him, it would take too much energy and hold me back in the next stage of my life, he's a bitter old twat and yeah, that makes me a bit sad for him.

It will pass, for me and for you too, it's just a stage in the process

Watching this thread. I'm just the same with my stbex h. Feel more compassion for him than i should. He sounds just like yours OP. It's so hard when you're a compassionate person.

I've just read that - can you be co dependent and a narc

Like you op I would say I was independent and strong certainly at the start of the relationship

This is an empath - interestingly there aresome crossovers but a co dependant seems like a negative connotation where empath seems positive
www.eggshelltherapy.com/being-hyper-empathic/

Oh dear I just took that quiz!!

I've already thought about the co dependent thing in therapy and I know it fits for me.

It took me a long time to get past being the victim and seeing my role in our unfortunate dynamic.

That's not to say you fit "co dependent" like I do OP, but I do think it's useful - and empowering - to be able to see your own role and behaviours.

FWiW - only my opinion - I think there can be abusive behaviours without everything else being a fabrication or manipulation etc. I know there's a cycle but I don't think it's all consciously manipulative.

This is such excellent advice. I'll write more later. Maybe I am an empathy? I'll have to do that questionnaire. I do t know how that excuses his behavior, or explains maybe rather than excuses.