Some people are more likely to end up in abusive relationships than others, aren't they?

[citylightsoverthehill]

I know what the danger points are, bad childhood, vulnerable when you met them. I feel funny about a lot of stuff and I keep wanting to go back and reset myself so I don't see what's actually happening.

I don't know why I'm posting. Just feel like I need some support.

I'm sorry many of us have been there too. Are you an escapee or still working out how to leave?

People who grew up in an abusive family yes. People who have had a previous abusive relationship yes, people pleasers, psychologically strong people, people who are vulnerable to abuse in some way (low self esteem, lack of adequate boundaries, caring empathetic people).

One thing I will say is it is nigh on impossible to be ok whilst you are in an abusive relationship. You have to make yourself safe before you can be ok.

I feel like I am being eaten from the inside. Leaving is wrong, staying is wrong. I hate him and I love him. I hate myself but i want to love myself. I want to feel like I used to but I can't.

It’s hard and it does feel exactly like being eaten from the inside.

I think there probably is no sense thinking leave/stay at the moment. You are not at the point where you can cope with going yet. Instead try psychological withdrawal and analysis.

Give yourself permission to not decide about leaving or going now. Try to withdraw into your mind when you are around the abuser, self soothe and become almost like a passive observer of his behaviour... and be kind to yourself.

That usually brings you to a point where you have the strength to go.

Sometimes people find that writing down his behaviour here, just as a description, helps. Helps you to gain a different perspective.

That's good advice, thank you.

I never know where to start

There are some really lovely qualities he has. But he's so controlling. I used to think it was because I was a bad person, or not quite as simple as that but I used to think he was controlling because he cared and because I'd proven myself to be untrustworthy in the past. Things like checking receipts and getting grumpy over spending small amounts of money.

It sounds a very normal way of thinking/feeling about being on the receiving end of abusive behaviour.

Have you read ‘why does he do that?’

It’s a good place to begin the realisation that it is abuse.

I know now it is abuse. Does it sound stupid that I kind of don't want to know it?

No, again it sounds normal.

Knowing it would mean being under pressure to leave and accepting the relationship must end. That’s why I think most people have to go through a phase of passive observation. It helps prove you are in your right mind, that the abuser is not right and that is what propels you into leaving IME.

You will be under immense pressure from him to not acknowledge it and from yourself too as above.

In an abusive relationship you are always guided slowly into the abuse... it escalated bit by bit without you noticing. It makes total sense to me that many people have to distance themselves and get some psychological safety before they can accept it.

He can be so, so lovely. I suppose I convince myself that when he's not lovely, it's my fault in some way, or that it's not great but not worth leaving over, you know, and yet perhaps it is, I don't know.

Well what kinds of things does he do when he is not lovely?