Not sure what to expect tonight

[sickatthethought]

I’m going to a party tonight, and now it looks like my ex will be there.

On the one hand, I want to go, look shit hot and have a great time with my family, and lots of old friends who will be there. On the other, I feel like I’ll just look shit, feel awkward and possibly get pissed out my head with nerves.

I’m not sure if he’s got a GF now. I’m not even really sure I care. If he’s there with someone, I doubt he’ll speak to me. If he’s not, he will.

We have been on/off more times than I can count over many years, and never got to the point of anything concrete. He’s basically a total headfuck. But he’ll probably always have this effect on me.

Help 

Go to the party if you want to.

Have fun.

If your ex comes up to talk to you, make excuses and walk away. Just don't talk to him.

And make sure you don't drink too much.

I know, it seems so easy when you put it like that.

I know I won’t make an excuse and walk away. I’ll be blunt and tell him there is no reason to talk to each other, so let’s not. I don’t know if that’s best, or bitter? I can’t fake nice with him, or anyone who has treated me so shit.

I do want to go. I didn’t think for a minute he’d be going.

I think you should go if you want to but you need to be strong enough not to crumble when you see him. He might chance his arm and charm you into bed which would put you back to square one with the head fuckery.

If you think you're over him and his presence won't ruin your evening then go and have a good time with your friends and family. Go over to him straight away with "nice to see, glad you're well, have a good night" to get any awkwardness out of the way and then concentrate on partying with your friends.

Just seen your update! If you don't want to speak to him, that fine. Try to avoid a big row at the party though. It sounds like you're still feeling hurt and raw about it.

I’m guessing you’re not over him? What do you want to happen? Do you want to get involved with him again? Will you be disappointed if he’s there with somone?

In an ideal world, yes, I’d like him to turn up at my door, apologise for all the hurt he’s ever caused me, and tell me he loves me. But that’s pretty much happened before, and then he hits me with some “it’s not you, it’s me” shit. He’s had his issues in the past, and I don’t imagine he’s resolved those, but they’re also not the true reason he treats me like shit. I believe that’s just because he could. So no, getting involved again is not an option, unless there was cast iron proof he had changed. And there never is, is there?

I have no idea of what his true feelings for me ever were. He was doing AA during our longest “on” period. He’d tell me he was falling for me when he was drunk, beg me to tell him how I felt about him, but then we he was sober, he could be so down and distant and hard work, but not always.

Alternatively, I’d like him just to admit “yeah, I was using you, and this is why...” It was me who really messed things up many years ago, and I’ve always felt like he’s punishing me.

Anyway, i imagine he’ll have a new GF. Whether she’ll be there, I don’t know. That might be hard to watch.

He's treated you really badly and he won't change. You deserve better than him
If he does have a new gf then perhaps you need to feel pity towards her for being hoodwinked by his bullshit and lumbered with all his issues.

I think your friends will understand if you don't go. If you do, just avoid him like the plague.

Thank you ILost

I think my biggest fear is thinking he sees me and is laughing at me, how desperate and gullible I’ve been where’s he’s been concerned. But I’d genuinely rather be those things and be the one who got hurt, than be the selfish user hurting other people.

Have you got a wing woman? I’ve had a few of these situations over the years. I make sure my best friend is there, fully briefed.
Slightest hint of awkwardness and suddenly we’re needed at the bar/on the dance floor/by suchabody that’s just walked in.

Go to the party with your head held high, look fabulous and enjoy yourself with your friends. So what if he’s there. Just ignore him / pretend he’s not there. Be the belle of the ball

My wingwoman won’t be there all night. I’ll be with family, mostly. No one that I feel like going into details with.

I’ll be fine. I am looking forward to it and I am going. My friend is moving away and I’m not missing saying goodbye just because of somebody who has repeatedly made me feel shit, despite him being an actual real life shit. I can hold my head high. If he thinks he can, that proves how crap a human being he really is.

Thanks all! I’ll have a triple vodka and tequila shot to you all. I kid, I kid

If you’ve got good support (you mention friends and family) then I’d definitely go.
When I know there’s a chance of seeing my ex out, I go for my best version of me look. Nothing too out there or try hard, I just take some time with my hair and makeup and choose a outfit I look good in but feel comfortable as well.

And definitely don’t get too drunk, that never ends well!! unless drunken declarations of what a fucking idiot he is and then throwing up in his bathroom is a good look

Emboo happy with my outfit. Would change the face if possible, but it’s workable, I guess

Last time I had a proper drunken strop, I ended up sleeping on my own couch and leaving him in the bed. Not* at all prone to cutting off my nose to spite* my face but at least i wasn’t sick on it!

Oh the very best of luck. Whenever I've been in the company of an ex I always say a quick hello and let them seek me out if they want to chat. That way I always feel in control and like I have the upper hand. Definitely don't drink too much and enjoy yourself.

Good on you for going. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Remember Classy Unavailable Ice Queen if he speaks to you

He wasn’t there, and I had a great night! Thanks all