Feeling family better off if I leave

[stillworkingonit]

I think this is depression talking. I feel like I am being selfish if I stay with DP, because my mental health is so hard to live with. I feel like this is a lifelong struggle and I'm being unfair expecting DP to hang around waiting for the good times.
But I don't feel brave enough to leave. I love DP so much it is awful to see how much pain my own upset causes. I hate myself for being so weak. If I set DP free then I would let DP have the chance of a much better life. It's been about 8 years of low level constant depression, with last 2 yrs being acute ptsd and anxiety with episodes of bleakness. In a 20 yr relationship.
I am in treatment for my MH and it is a bit better, but in some ways worse. Although I have more properly good days I also have much worse lows. I have a lot of suicidality that I would never act on but I know is scary and horrible to witness.
Has anyone in my situation left and regretted it? Or managed to stay and if so how do you live with the knowledge and guilt of how much pain and distress you've caused your partner?

Bumping for you op.
Sorry no good advice to give but I’m sure others will be along soon.

If your DP is ok with everything , I would leave it at that. Sounds like you have enough problems, why create more.
Have you ever thought that he might just love you whatever?

Grant your dp the respect of knowing what they want. It's not for you to "set them free": they choose to be with you. It's a bit patronising to think you know better what's good for them. It is your depression talking. Let them love you.

Hi op,
I have been suffering from post natal depression for the past 4 years after the birth of my first child. It was horrible experience, my husband had to leave his work and since then became my full time career. I felt the same way he did , but he told me he will never leave me because we promised each other in our marriage through sickness and health. And that has made me love him even more because I know what he's out through,to some extend my health has affected him too. So if your husband wants to be with you ,don't push him away ...xx

I think he would leave if he needed to.

Why do you think mental health problems are weaknesses? Would you say to a friend they were weak if they were unwell mentally? You are not weak, you are strong for coping for so long.

So sorry you feel like this. It's absolutely the depression talking - I recognise this kind of thinking that seems to make SO much sense at the time, but to an outsider is just a warped way of looking at the world.

Your partner loves you and he wants to you to be with him. If he didn't, he would tell you. Keep on with the treatment, you will start having better days where you can see these thoughts for what they are - the depression taking over your logic.

Thank you for all those kind replies. It is the voice of depression. It is so convincing that I need some way to challenge it. I hate how tortured my mind gets. It's helpful to have internet strangers tell that voice to stop. to everyone who''s been in this.