So called debate

[DaisyRaine90]

Every day my partner wants to debate something I do (slim fast, sweeteners, phone use etc.) and then when he attacks it and I take it personally he has a go at me for being over emotional.

I just don’t want to debate my life choices.
I’m on day 2 of stopping smoking (longer than he’s ever gone and I’ve stopped multiple times but struggle to stay stopped). I am starting C25K this week. And yes my diet could be better. I do use my phone a fair bit as I don’t get much opportunity to socialise being at home with 2 kids.

He eats badly, smokes etc. And then judges my life choices. I don’t know what to do with all his unsolicited advice. I find it very upsetting. I just want to wake up and drink my artificially sweetened drink in peace FFS

Its not "Men". Its your specific man.

My boyfriend wouldn't dream of starting any of this shit. If you're basically just ok with shrugging your shoulders and ignoring it then why bother posting for advice

I have to agree that it’s not men, it’s your man. Mine isn’t like that, he wouldn’t be my man for long if he was!

I’m asking for advice on how to get across to him how it effects me but everyone are just jumping straight to “leave him”

You can’t leave someone over minor things. I’ve always said anything but a beating or a cheating can be dealt with if people are willing to work at it.

We are going to start relationship counselling soon 😊 I don’t want to end the relationship but I would like some advice on how you get someone to not give you advice you have not asked for

& how to stop a row from beginning when the other party seems to want a debate but you don’t and know it will turn into a row

Thanks 😊

You can’t. It’s that simple. You can’t change someone who thinks they’re always right, doesn’t respect or listen to their partner, or is determined to put them down.

With a row I suppose you could just walk away saying “I don’t want a row, I’m not engaging.”

“I’m asking for advice on how to get across to him how it effects me“

But the issue is that if you’ve told him and he’s carrying on regardless, then he already knows how it effects you. He’s just decided that it doesn’t matter.

You’re chasing after the wrong thing here, as many people do, when they’re trying to fix a relationship where the other person doesn’t want to do any fixing.

There isnt a way of making him ‘get’ how much it’s upsetting you, as it’s not a matter of him ‘getting it’ or not ‘getting it’. It’s a matter of him caring about it or not.

Earplugs?

Earplugs sounds good 😂
Or I get in the shower sometimes and say I can’t hear him 😂

Love it when I wake up first so I have time to stop feeling fragile before everyone else wakes up

Sorry

Man 🙄

I'm not saying you should leave him - I get how easy that is to type when in reality it's hard if you have kids. You're setting the bar pretty low though if the only thing you'd really leave for is cheating or beating.

What he is doing isn't normal, it's not typical man stuff, it can't be explained by him being a morning person. He makes a conscious choice to start the day by attacking you and doesn't pay any attention to you telling him to stop and that it upsets you.

I'm not sure what the answer is because honestly it would destroy all my love and respect for him over time. Perhaps suggesting that you each start the day by saying something positive and kind to each other? I wouldn't be telling him to leave his criticisms until the evening or you've had a coffee though and promising you won't be so emotional then - I'd be making it clear it has to stop completely.

You can’t leave someone over minor things.

You've had a few threads recently (I recognise your posting name and use of emojis) and its becoming increasingly clear that you are not in a good relationship.

It's not minor things. It's a lot of things which all add up to an overall picture.

Anything but beating or cheating?

Love you are going to end up in some miserable relationships like that

He sounds a total bore and a dick!

A debate requires 2 or more people to engage. Don't engage and walk away

SonicBoomBoom
All the same issues- rows, criticism, everything being a debate

Because I was asked previously why I am still with him... (in no particular order)

He took my DD on like his own and he’s really really good with her
He’s a brilliant Dad
He supports me when I’m ill, in my career goals and university
The bedroom stuff
He always makes time for me
He cleans my house from top to bottom every day
We share the same values and aspirations
We have a lot of fun together
He cooks me dinner
He mows the lawn
He’s committed
He’s romantic

We also have horrible rows and I often feel he criticises me.
He’s bad with money 💰 sometimes

Sometimes I’m a bitch too I’m sure

So yes, I was having a rant again about the bits that aren’t working but there’s lots of stuff that is. Best relationship I have ever been, the rest have ended due to beats or cheats x

I don’t believe this is unsalvageable by any stretch of the imagination.

We all have issues though right?

Nope. Not everyone has issues with their partner. Honestly.

If you find a way of changing him - permanently, not just for a few days - patent it. You'll make a fortune.

A debate requires two participants. I think you mean he lectures you.

*SonicBoomBoom
*
I wouldn’t want to be with a “yes” man and enjoy being mentally stimulated and having a debate. However the lecturing is probably the issue 😂

*DownTownAbbey
*
Bang on the money!
He said he’ll change it but I’ll see and I guess at some point if I can’t live with it I will realise that.

He’s been kind loving and wonderful the rest of the day and looked after me as I’m feeling sick (shop runs, most of the childcare, bringing me lemsips etc)

He’s just an arsehole in the morning
Right now the good and bad balance out.

I’ll tell him to shut up and walk away if he tries it again though. No more morning debates. 😂

I meant the good supersedes any bad x