Is this cheating!?

[Laurie22]

I am on holidays right now with my boyfriend, feeling completely distraught and have no one to talk to.

I met him over a year ago and we started dating. When we met, I was moving overseas for 5 months- six weeks after we had our first date. We had known each other a few months before that and both had big crushes on each other(through work), so things got serious quite quickly. I held back more than him as I was so overwhelmed at the strength of our feelings, but before I went away we had told each other we loved each other, and agreed that we would be together and stay faithful while I was gone etc. He pushed for this in particular. We didn't use the terms girlfriend/boyfriend until I moved away and he asked in a phone call, could he describe me as his girlfriend. I said yes, so we were pretty official.

Anyway, things went fine. We were in constant contact. He was more full on than I was. There was definitely worry on his part that I would meet someone out there. I am quite a bit younger than him (41/31) and he seemed to feel in some ways that I was 'out of his league' and would attract other guys. From my part, I was completely faithful. I was out a lot etc but never even flirted with another guy. I would never have done anything like that to him. I also trusted him 100% completely. He is a really principled guy and I was very sure of his love for me. He saw me as the one etc.

So I moved home, and things have been pretty good. I am very much in love with him. We have had issues in terms of our compatibility, we are very different people. One example is that I am more adventurous and he is more of a home bird. We are also from different parts of the country. There's a big part of me that knows that he would have preferred if I was from his city and more into the same things as him. From my point of view, differences made no dent in how much I loved him.

The year before meeting me, he had been seeing a girl from his home city for six months, not a very serious relationship. He ended it as despite liking her a lot, he was not in love with her. I got the impression that he wished he had been, they were more similar in personality to us, and she was from his home. I was not in any way insecure about her as I knew that he was not in love with her.

But tonight, I borrowed his phone to make a whatssap call as my phone was not working. I scrolled through his contacts to find the contact I was looking for and saw the name 'Lovely Linda'. As I knew that was her name, even though I shouldn't have done it, I got such a shock to see how she was described that I went into the conversation.

There were some recent messages, just checking in with each other, completely above board. But I scrolled back( there were not many messages) and I saw messages from January and Feb when I was away. In January, they wish each other New Years Well Wishes and reminisce a bit about the past. It's very obvious from them that he ended it and she was still pining after him. He said he wanted then to stay in touch but she was more hesitant as she felt if he didn't want her, what was the point?

But in February, they had met on a night out. He text her the next day to say she looked lovely. She said she had wanted to kiss him so badly. He responded saying he did too and said that talking to her turned him on. When asked,he also said he had feelings still for her. She asked 'where do we go from here?' and he said 'a date?!' She responded that she was unsure as she was just setting herself up for failure again. He said something about how 2nd times often work better and he was up for it.That's where the messages end, I presume there was a phone call or something as the messages after that are a long time later and are platonic.

Since I returned, my boyfriend always seemed to be a little non trustworthy of me. He never says anything except in jokes, but he always asks about the boys who I met overseas and here on nights out.
I always felt he was just a bit insecure, and tried to make it clear that I am incredibly loyal, which I am.

So after reading these messages, I am devastated. In February, we had sent each other valentines presents, he had sent me a card with 'boyfriend on it'. A few days later, he asked her on a date.

I do think I know what he was thinking at the time. I know he really loved me but he was worried that I wouldn't come back to him. He has said this since, that he was very worried that I would meet someone over there. I think that while he didn't love this girl, she was 'perfect on paper' for him and seeing as she was so obviously into him, he was unwilling to let her go. We had only been seeing each other for 6 weeks before I left. But the fact is, we were together.

He knows there is something wrong but I don't want to fight and break up on holidays. We are home in a few days, and I think I will wait until then. I feel so let down, I honestly didn't doubt him at all as I knew how he loved me, and he is so big on honesty and integrity. But I am so angry that he was untrusting of me when I was so loyal, and then he did that.

Is this a betrayal, cheating, or am I overreacting?

The other possibility of course if that they were sleeping together through that gap in texting and he's deleted the texts during that time but forgotten to go further back.

I'd have to bring it up.

I am going to leave it until after we are home as for me, I don't want to have to spend all that time together once we have broken up. I will want him gone and to be alone. The thought of travelling back together when I am that devastated would be too much.

It's almost funny. I had searched that girl on Facebook yesterday. Last night, I showed him something on Facebook and her name popped up in my searched. He asked had I been in contact with her? I said no, I just was curious. He looked a bit uncomfortable.

Not just being naive pp but I don't think it did go any further, just based on the messages. The next day they have very stilted texts on his side and she is obviously annoyed with that, they make a bit of small talk and end the conversation. Maybe they met again on a night out but I don't think so as there was no texting about anything like that.

Anyway, it makes no difference. I am so disgusted and upset anyway, so it's over.

Did you confront him op?

I don’t know how it all turns out for you OP - but reading your post I couldn’t shake the feeling that I am reading something written by a teenager.
And your BF doesn’t seem much more mature either.

6 weeks into starting dating - being so sure you both are in-love and ‘the one’ - sure, happens. Mostly in movies.
And then ‘doubting you when you were so loyal’ - and he is 10years older than you is only natural.
So is a little wavering that he had and not acted upon.

And now we are 10 months later. And you actually seem to have made it through and, by now, should actually know each other a bit more, and real feelings may actually be there.

To use that even from so early in a relationship - when things could still have gone another way - this just tells me there is something else wrong between you.
Because insetead of talking about what’s actually wrong - you are using this as an excuse.
You shouldn’t have to. If you are unhappy with him - you don’t need to do that.

Life is not a movie, OP. Things are not black and white. There are many other ways to deal with this situation.
Most of them start with talking with your partner to understand what is going on. How he felt then and now. And explaining how you feel.

OP you wouldn't be doing all this analysing and minimising if you thought there was no possibility of him cheating.

It's way too much angst. When a man makes you feel loved, cherised and secure with him, there's no need for all this hassle.

As for the comments about you seeing other guys - massively disrespectful and projecting. I give you 6 more months tops and he will start with what all love bombers do - start making those remarks regularly and in hurtful fashion. He is preparing to devalue. This type of man always has an adoring woman waiting in the wings, that he can dangle. Hence getting the ex's hopes up, then not following through.

You're second-guessing yourself for a 41(!) year old man that hasn't grown up yet.

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I don't know, it sounds like he has some self esteem issues. 6 weeks is a short time and then you were gone, and he probably felt like she is out of my league and bolstered his ego by talking to an old flame. I wouldn't sell the earth based on those texts but I would hope that you are being deceitful about the ages involved i.e 31/41 because the scenario is worthy dropping on both sides by 12 years. If his self esteem is that bad you may have trouble in the future. This would then not last another 6 months.

Insecure people will always need an ego boost.