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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband secret drinking

38 replies

Flossie85 · 02/11/2017 15:58

I've caught my husband drinking in secret over the years (been married 7 years). He drinks in front of me at home (typically beer/wine couple of times a week/ some weeks once or not at all) but for some reason (which he can't explain) he also drinks (vodka) in secret, in the past this has been in the house when I'm asleep. I've confronted him in the past and after him lying initially he admits but says it will be last time. However, today in the car I picked up an empty sports drink bottle - it smelt strongly of vodka, and with the tiny bit of liquid left in the bottle I tasted it. I confronted him and he initially said it wasn't vodka but then admitted to it. He says he can't explain why but sometimes things get too much and he needs a drink (he can't explain why he hides it). He says he bought the drink on the way home from work and drank it over a few occasions in the car outside our house before he comes in ( he promises he has never drunk and driven). I asked to see his bank statement as I don't believe that this is a one-off. From his statement there are regular transactions at supermarkets / corner shops for £10ish which can't be explained with buying other things as all food shopping comes from my account. I asked him about this and he finally admits there is a problem but when I said he needs help and to tell his parents he said no. He thinks this can be solved between just the two of us. I'm fed up of lying and I don't trust him now. Especially as he said he sometimes drinks on bus on way home from work. We have 2 young children and I don't know what to do? I don't want to spilt up over this (been together 12 years) but I can't see how this will stop if he doesn't get help?

OP posts:

Iris27 · 13/10/2018 20:47

I'm sorry to read this. I have been in almost exactly the same situation and it destroys your relationship.

For me, it was more the lying that ruined the trust in a relationship. If he had just admitted he had a problem we could have worked it out. But he was either in denial or did not want to stop.

I'm afraid to say we separated. It's shit but I am a lot less stressed not living around that.

All I can say is, you cannot help your partner. They have to want help themselves.

I wish you luck and I hope he sees sense.

Sjb1873 · 14/10/2018 07:10

Thankyou for your reply I’m sorry you’ve gone through an awful time I hope your getting through it. Yes I agree about the trust issues. My trust has gone. When he’s here I find myself watching him all the time. I’ve forgiven him lots of times and had him back but it lasts a week if I’m lucky then things slide back to him smelling and acting strange. I’m in a terrible dilemma . Do I say that’s it and walk away or do I stay because I have financial security. Last week he told me he needed to stay at his mums as she was ill. Not happened before. He said he couldn’t possibly leave her on her own. That night at midnight he was seen in a bar by a family friend drink in hand. His excuse was he went out late to get something to eat and he needed the toilet so went in there. I honestly see no future I’ve been married to him for 21 years! So sad for all my family.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2018 08:02

SJB

If there is no trust there is really no relationship. Your H's primary relationship is with drink, not you and his next thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. Hence he going to the bar; he never had any intention whatsoever of seeing his mother.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, staying for financial security (and that is probably not as secure either as you think) is NO reason to stay. Nor is the sunken costs fallacy. Are you codependent as well; that state is also doing you no favours. I would urge you to contact Al-anon as well as a Solicitor here and save your own self from more misery at his hands.

BTW this is an old thread of nearly a year's standing; you may want to start a new thread.

banana010820 · 19/03/2022 10:39

Hi, Flossie85. I read your post from 2017, and it could have been written by me. If you're out there, please can you'll me what happened. I am struggling to know what to do. Despite it glaring me in the face.

pointythings · 19/03/2022 14:48

@banana010820

*@banana010820* I suggest you start your own thread, either here or in the alcohol topic or in both. You will find a lot of people who have been through it will come on to offer advice, including me. I'm now over 4 years on and despite things having been very rough, I wouldn't go back.

Clarabe1 · 19/03/2022 14:52

vodka - always the choice of the secret drinker. I worked with 2 women who used to keep vodka in their handbags and swig it at at work. Always vodka because it’s strong and the drinker believes you can’t smell it (you can) OP - this is a massive red flag. Normal people don’t swig vodka in secret. Its up you but I promise it will end badly unless he faces up to the problem and gets help.

Celynfour · 19/03/2022 15:11

Anyone who drinks secretly does that because they know ther drinking is wrong - socially , physically , emotionally and for their loved ones .
My ex and I went through years of me supporting and hoping .
Starting with counselling for drinking then years of AA . Then clearly coming home drunk from AA .
I believed and believed and hoped and wished it would get fixed . But you can’t do that and all the support in the world can’t help someone who can only do it for themselves .
I explained so many ‘incidents ‘ away over the years but in the end it was just the alcohol .
It destroyed my self esteem and self worth .
The children and I have been on our own for 10 years and we are safe , happy and busy .
Hope is a powerful emotion but it doesn’t solve someone’s issues with alcohol .
My children were young , I had never spoken about it but they remember far more than I realised they even knew.
It’s not a healthy environment .
Consider putting yourself and the children at the centre of your decisions . Let him sort out his own demons.
In all the years , all the people I met thru AA and Al-Anon , 1 has stayed sober and rebuilt his relationship with his adult children . 1 has got himself well with exercise and strict routines .
I met dozens . Some are dead . Some are living miserable lives . Some are still pretending .
The scars for the families are huge .

Holothane · 19/03/2022 15:16

I feel your pain all of you my ex was like this made me I’ll in the I left and never regretted it.

Nicolarer · 19/03/2022 15:24

Alcoholism is a cruel disease. If you love him and want to help him I would lay down a few ground rules. Number one, no lying ever. I would recommend a book, alcohol.explained by william porter. He has a live Facebook every Fri evening too. It is an awful disease but can be successfully managed, he just has to want it enough. Best of luck, it can be a very hard path, but also very rewarding.

Celynfour · 19/03/2022 16:30

I just don’t think you can rely on an alcoholic to keep to ‘rules’ .
And that creates such pain and uncertainty for everyone . Making ‘rules ‘ is seemingly giving you the power to dictate the terms but then all the power to choose whether they acquiesce or not .
I truly believe people need to recover independently and allow others to live peacefully (whilst supporting from a place they can be independent of the alcoholic for their own well-being )
And please remember that what they tell you will be unlikely to be the while truth . Alcoholics don’t like themselves and will lie to protect their image in other peoples eyes .

banana010820 · 19/03/2022 18:39

We have been married for 15 years and this has happened over and over. He tells me that he just has a large vodka with mixer in his car once parked up because i try and live by a no booze in week rule. The reality is that he finds his way out to his car even on evenings where we are both drinking wine. I have confronted him again and he just says that I am the same because I drink wine to unwind. Recently, I have noticed a change in his behaviour, he is detached and at times, verbally aggressive, calling me names or looking me up and down in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. It is out of character. So, I looked the topic up and saw a thread on here from 2017 that could have been me talking. I feel such sadness, and pain when I consider leaving. Our son is at uni, and our daughter nearly 14. He has a big job and is prob stressed, when I tell ppl what he does, they always remark on how life must be tough for him. I feel so weary and unsure of my next step.

pointythings · 19/03/2022 19:03

banana your husband's behaviour is incredibly damaging. You have a 14yo at home. You owe it to her to get her out of this.

I have been where you are now and it isn't easy, but there are no other options.

disillusionment · 21/01/2026 00:23

5 years of being told by him that his behaviour was due to his diabetes when all along it was alcoholism. I feel so cheated and no longer trust myself to be able to judge whether I’m being lied to or not. His ex work colleagues now tell me he was drinking openly whilst at work operating machinery and driving home. His walks with the dog were just an excuse to drink in secret. His behaviour always changed as the night went on. I was being gaslighted to think I was going insane. All his relationships failed due to alcoholism but he had alternative versions. With hindsight I can see it all now. Such a waste but I’m free now.

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