I need advice

[mumx3]

I need advice-
18 months ago I decided to stop talking to my sister.My Dd1 was,at the time,not speaking to her either,Dd2 raised her eyebrows and said'that's inconvenient'(I don't know what that comment meant)Dd3 had not been happy with the involvement of my sister in our lives for quite some time.
Dd1 now has a baby and is back talking to my sister(issues she had with her were not resolved,just ignored)
Dd1&2 do not understand that I feel hurt by their current relationships with her.I have never asked that they follow my lead.Both of them bitterly resented my sister being around so much when they lived at home.they have also both said recently that they know that she is manipulative and two-faced,so I can't understand why they feel the need to have her in their lives now.
I have been accused of being childish(/)and jealous(?),I guess that's how it must seem to them,to me it feels like a convenient label to give me so they don't have to acknowledge that I may be justified in feeling the way I do.
I've read some of the threads on here about depression,and that people in that state can be self-centred,irrational and self-pitying-is this me?I dont know what to do or how to deal with any of this.I've spent the last week in tears,feeling my head's going to explode with thinking about it all.Maybe it would be best if I just let them go on with their lives and I just keep away from them completely if I can't resolve this in my own mind.
Do I need to be on some sort of medication?
I'm so confused and unhappy.
I'd be so grateful if anyone has any insights or advice for me.

What a horrible situation for you. You can't stop your daughters from seeing their aunt, but it does sound like they are being insensitive. She's obviously done something to win them over, so you need to make sure you do nothing to turn them against you. Is it possible to keep your sister out of your life and your daughters in it by just not enquiring about or discussing their relationship with her, and trying not to reopen the argument with your sister? Effectively, saying that their relationship with her is up to them, and you won't interfere in any way. Easier said than done, I know, but I am sure you don't want to lose your daughters over this.

I think you should consider how you are in yourself, though, from what you say. You might well be depressed, or heavily stressed, but either way you should go to your GP who might recommend medication or almost certainly some counselling if you feel it would be helpful. Depression can make people self-centred and irrational, as it makes you think only about how you are feeling. But you need to remember that it is an illness, and that's just what it does to you, same as measles gives you spots. So please don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling.

thank you so much for replying MrsF
I've tried what you suggested for the last year,but just last weekend Dd1 let her take the baby overnight-her reason was that that my sister hadn't seen him for a while,why would Dd1 do this when she's always asked me to have him?I don't know if I've done something wrong-I know this does seem like jealousy,but why would she let a person that she has expressed such dislike for in the past take her baby off for the night?

It does sound odd, I agree.

It can't have been an easy decision to cut your sister out of your life in the first place, perhaps your dds don't realise how hard that was for you. After all, she's their aunt not their sister, it's not such a close relationship and at that step removed, any disagreement is bound to be less keenly felt, so perhaps they have found it easy to make up enough to be friendly and underestimate what it has meant for you. (long sentence, sorry!) I wonder if there is a way you can get that across to them, and whether that would help them to understand your feelings and be a bit more sensitive.

I just can't believe your post MrsF-that's so exactly how it was/is.I think I was almost grieving for a year after the decision,everyone thought that I wouldn't cope but I just couldn't begin any sort of relationship with her again

• she was a sort of parasite within my family unit(sorry if that sounds too strong) But how do I get them to understand????????

I can't believe just how good it suddenly feels to get this all out,I've not spoken to anyone else about it.I've thought about posting this for quite some time,a nd today I was actually shaking and feeling quite sick when I finally pressed the post message button,

I don't know how you make them understand, to be honest. If they don't want to see it, they won't, and the more you try to tell them the less they will listen (daughters are notorious eye-rollers where their mothers are concerned - I speak as an accomplished eye-roller). I'm sure they would not be doing anything to hurt you deliberately, they just don't get how hard it is for you.

Are there other family members involved, or is it just you, your sister and your dds? I just wondered how it affected any extended family and if there was anyone to support you.

Mrs F sorry for taking so long replying-trouble with computer,
my Dm is not getting involved,we've only been talking for the last few months after my sister told her a pack of lies,resulted in my Dm calling me a liar,not to my face-she told my Dd3 (13 at the time)She's said that she knows my sister is 'a bit of a stirrer'
as for support ,there's no-one.

that last post reads as a bit paranoid doesn't it sorry

It sounds so difficult.

From what you say, the cutting off from your sister was something you did for the good of your family (your dds, I presume) so to have them change their minds must be very confusing.

Is your relationship with your dds good apart from this, or is this issue putting real strain on it?

I guess I did it because I was sick of feeling so bad about how she treated me and my Dd3,the only one at home now.My relationships with two eldest Ddrs had gone through the whole 'teenage' thing,I've been a single parent since they were two and three,(except for a brief abusive relationship with Dd2s father) I thought we'd got on to a better footing,esp since the birth of my DGs.Things are really rocky now,I've not spoken to either Dd1 or Dd2 for nearly two weeks,and had a huge row with Dd3 yesterday about it all.
I'm really beginning to sound self indulgent and pathetic,but I guess it's all coming out now!

I think what really matters is that you get back on track with your dds before a real rift forms. Can you see any way of doing this, without getting back into the argument? Somehow you need to talk to them without putting them on the defensive, get them to realise how much they and the grandchildren mean to you.

You aren't being pathetic or self-indulgent, you're having a hard time. It's the cumulative effect of years of difficult relationships, I'm sure.

so do I just forget trying to get them to understand?
I'm pretty sure they must(?) know just how much they all mean,they're my life-there's no-one else but them

maybe my hope of having my family to myself is a selfish one,it seems I'll have to 'put up,or shut up'either way I come out as seeming to be what they accuse me of

I hope I didn't make you feel worse. I don't think you have to forget getting them to understand, for a start if you do then you'll never resolve this, it'll continue to be an issue and it will impact on your relationship with your dds.

I just wonder if it's all got a bit overheated recently, and whether if that's the case they aren't going to hear what you're saying. If so, anything you can do to calm it down and get back on speaking terms is a start - when you've got past the problems of the last few weeks perhaps you can start to make them see how unhappy you have been. They are your daughters and I'm sure they don't want to see you unhappy.

Mumx3, my younger sister is very selfish and spoiled at her 31 yrs, my mum would ban older sister and me from her life if we do/say something that upset younger sister.

Through out our lives we have had disagreements, have stoped talking to each other, and have said horrible things, sometimes when I'm feeling negative I believe that the relationship it's so difficult that it's not even worth it to speak to them but then, something nice happens, a little joke that makes me feel accepted, a little gesture like older sister sending me a pizza the day I escaped from home and at the end, you realise that the beauty of being sisters is that you have so much practice in forgiving that you don't mind to erase the bad behaviour from your memory and start all over again.

Of course I understand that you may have very good reasons to stop contact but, sometimes keeping those reasons alive can hurt us more than contact with a disagreeable person.

Lots of hugs!

Bless you MrsF,
no you've not made me feel worse-you've helped me more than you can possibly know ,sorry if this seems a bit melodramatic,but I never dreamt that anyone would be so very understanding about all of this.As I said earlier I feel 'lighter'just having spoken to someone.I'll sleep on all you've written and maybe some way forward will appear,I don't feel so alone now.Thank you so much,

good, glad I didn't overstep the mark. go and have a good nights sleep!

thank you C,I do understand what you seem to be saying(in you lovely gentle manner),like many relationships mine with my sister has endured many ups and downs.She was instrumental in rescuing me from a violent partner a long time ago,we were so close we would finish each others sentances-but something went sour some years back,she started to treat me as if I had no value.I think it coincided with her getting a new job-she started to get very arrogant,her best friend would not go shopping with her because she was so rude.
I also think that her inability to have children is a factor,for a lot of years I maybe had things she would have liked,not children but partners or boyfriends neither of which she has had.