So do abusive husbands ever change!.?

[Ladiesfirst]

History from of "us" met 8 years ago married after 6 years. Two pregnancies losses within 5 mins of marriage the first one quiet horrific as totally shocked to be pregnant and then shocked to be told baby wouldn't live. 2 years later DS born by IVF, I rapidly developed pretty bad PND ... Much unresolved from first preg loss. Baby 2 arrived last July after more IVF and also had another bout of PND not so bad and feel over it now.

DH is not an easy character. Always the smart arse, wants to be centre of attention, pulls me up in every single little thing I ever do wrong - in his view ( untidiness/ lateness / forgetfulness typical) stands over me frequently at bathrobe telling m whether the kids should or shouldn't have a hair wash, wants to have or DD curls cut off as doesn't like untidy hair ,,,, it is beyond wearing now and I wait every day expecting him to start at me for something ... Even the other day he was sitting in bed saying chop chop yOur are going to be late for work again later,, even though I was on time ,,,...

Today he took the kids out as I needed to get a lot of stuff done on a Rare day off, first thing he said when he got in was the my new shoes were digusting and he thinks that's a joke ,,,then stands over me nagging me that I am not gardening fast enough. Always eager to have a. Row - he is a barrister. This has been going on FOR 5 years and we started counselling between her kids but I asked to stop as I got pregnant( I know I am not perfect) and couldn't take the emotional drain of it.
Flip side is he is a very good dad - if. Very Impatient and easily angered. He cooks cleans tidies shops and supports me in my career. I think mostly he does this so things are done his way - I often buy the 'wrong kind' of toilet paper/ cereal etc ....

Things have been the same on and off for five years and I have had enough and a, just about feeling strong enough to walk but part of me thinks if I could make the marriage more bearable it would be better for everyone. That said there has been no sex since DD was conceived and I am not interested in him - he was very accusatory about me/my body etc when we were trying and failing to conceive and he doesn't really care for his OWN appearance at all ... And I do as it's me feel better about myself ... It's my armour .,, without wanting to sound too vain and self obssessed.

He was married before and his wife left him he says because of an affair .... Other have told me it because he was controlling ....,stupidly I never questioned it anymore

We have two young kids, two full time jobs, I have no family in the country and my dad at home is dying of Alzheimer's so have to flit home to support my mum who is in her late 70s and his carer. I don't I want this to sound like a sob story as many have lots of responsibilities. I also saw a lawyer a few years back but bottled walking away as didn't want to not see kid every day and would be heartbroken if this was the case with my little one year old now who surprisingly wants to be mostly with me,

All thoughts welcome x

If you divorce then you can do as you damn well please in every area of your life.

You were stuck in abused person thinking when you wrote We didn't make decisions as a team as everything has to be his way and if we divorced how could we manage anything? I don't know how j could sensibly have a constructive relationships with hi,for the next 20 years if we divorced

Mediation and courts would make most of your big decisions in the divorce.

After you are divorced he doesn't have to be involved in many decisions. The ones remaining would be about say holiday childcare and Christmas. Thousands of women across the country deal with twat exes on such matters.

He's not a god. You can live your life and make your own decisions about yourself and the children even when he doesn't like it.

He won’t change..that’s a fact. I was exhausted reading your OP. How anyone lives like that I just don’t know.

You can afford to split, I’d jump at the chance basis what you’ve described as your ‘regime’ you live under. You cannot put a price on peace of mind..utterly priceless.

Somebody once told me 'you cannot and will not change his actions, only your own'. Wise words.

So do abusive husbands ever change!.?

I wouldn't hang around long enough to find out. Your DH sounds like an utter pain in the arse, his 1st wife was smart to bail out. You must have the patience of a living saint I'd have got rid ages ago. What a way to live. No brownie points for being a good dad. So what? Apparently even serial killers were good to their families. Abusive is abusive, and life is way, way too short to put up with this mess

I bet the DCs get away from their "good dad" as soon as they're grown and you will barely see them. If he gets more and more impatient as they grow, don't think you will automatically be deemed a brilliant mum by them. They could very well resent you for staying and causing them to grow up with Mr Shouty Abusive, and blame you for not leaving

If you are hoping he will change, you are wrong. He's a grown man with his ways already. All you will be doing is storing up years of misery for yourself, then later the years when you will be much, much older, relenting that you didn't leave him years ago. When the DCs grow it will be just you, and him. Is this man, who is not the only man in the world, really worth all that? Think about it

Staying with unkind people never ends well

Just a comment from my own experience, practically any barrister I've ever known has loved to argue, includes my neighbour who has ruined many parties by picking someone, finding what gets them going, and pushing every button they can find.

May be good at their jobs but I'd say hell to live with.

Yours sounds like he'd fit in with the worst of them, my sympathies.

You can't change anyone, and he doesn't want to change. So he won't.

He's not going to change, and I suspect you already do know that but are scared of what you are going to have to do it you acknowledge that reality.

Don't be scared! Be strong and resolute!

Take back your life and create a happy and relaxed home for your children.

Contact Women's Aid, seek help, take all support offered, including posting here to share your thoughts.

Ladiesfirst: I posted a similar question about my ex, I think you hold out so much hope they will change, but in reality you are just wasting time. The relationship sounds toxic and you sound miserable. I left my ex in feb after the last 3 years of hell and 21 year relationship. Of course it wasn't always bad.

I will tell you its been the hardest year of my life to date, BUT I am 100% happier, and more comfortable in my own home. I have to see him still as we have two kids, but its becoming easier. I can detach now, not let his shit bother me so much (its still does at times) but I don't have to live in day in day out.

Write a list of all your fears and deal with them one by one, find your energy and decide what you want to do. Want to live like this forever? or do you want to be able to be autonomous and not feel like the joy is being sucked out of everyday life?

Good luck.

Oh an ex used to "control" how I managed the kids. So he would do similar things like I would get the boys dressed, and he would make some shitty comment about how it was too hot, too cold, not smart enough etc. Many a times we had to go back upstairs to get them changed. My 9 year old has joined a football club and got his club kit on Monday, on Tuesday he wanted to wear it for school, so I let him (no uniforms). If we were still together DS wouldn't have been allowed, ex would have some reason to spoil it (like it needed to stay clean for practice or something). This has only really been in the last few years, when DS1 was small, he didn't get so over involved. The shift was because he wasn't working.

He once stood over me telling me how to cut pizza. He would re-stack the dishwasher. If I chose a table in a restaurant it was always wrong, he found a critisism in everything. Its so goddamn soul destroying. I rarely was able to do anything without a comment, in turn what happened was I did things for an easy life and stopped being myself.

It is the illusion that abusers will change that keep women in abusive relationships. I was there once. You DH seems like a narcissist, do google this.

Yes, anyone can change if they are prepared to put the work in, face their demons and live through a shitstorm.
It takes lots of hard work, and dedication, and most of all willingness.
Do you see your husband in that picture?

Op, even if you can't see a better life for yourself, PLEASE don't continue to out your children through it. Let then see you chose happiness, it's the best life lesson you could give then in their situation.

I know it will take shit loads of resolve and self belief, which is exactly what your husband us so good at depleting in you. Get support, contact women's aid. Get a plan for the practical side, get a shit hot lawyer.

Life is not meant to be about waiting to be hectored. Give your kids and yourself freedom.

Wishing you all the strength and resolve you need to do this op.