Stay or go?

[nojamforbaby]

I've changed my username but have been around these parts for quite a few years and have finally plucked up the courage to post.

This may be TL;DR but let's see if you can make it to the end.

I met my DH 10 years ago, we got together and I fairly quickly got pregnant, got married when the baby was a year old.
Things were okay to begin with, marriage was good until DH got very ill. When he got ill sex almost immediately stopped. I could understand this, but also lack of affection completely disappeared.
We drifted apart I guess (or at least I did) and his health deteriorated until 2 years ago he almost died and had a transplant.
The transplant saved his life and I thought everything would return to normal. Or a new normal as it had been so long with him being ill and we'd never really lived with him not being ill.
We're now several years in to our relationship and we still have not resumed any sort of affection or sexual relationship.
We're very much just two people who have a kid and live in the same house.
I have had a couple of crushes on people but it's been a fantasy I guess to get me through the loneliness, nothing has ever been mentioned to the these people.

I just don't know where to go from here, life seems to be speeding past and I feel stuck. I'd love more children and he doesn't (which I can understand) I just feel very stuck.

Do you want to resume a sexual relationship with him? If so, I would sit him down and have a serious chat about it. Is the problem psychological or physical? Would he see a GP/ see a counsellor? Is he willing to work on it? Nothing will change unless you precipitate it. Do you think he is still depressed?

If you are done sexually as a couple then I would be looking to seperate, especially as you want more DC. Also, the lack of affection is a killer of self esteem. You will probably become more resentful and depressed as time goes on.

It will be hard (maybe think about it a lot and write your points down before initiating the discussion) but what is the worst that could happen?

Thanks for the reply, we plod along and now I don't really want him to touch me. After being constantly rejected for years for a wild variety of reasons I just don't want him near me.
We get on well sometimes, but it just doesn't feel like enough.
I suppose because of what he's been through I feel guilty at the thought of leaving.

Writing down points seems like a good idea actually.

It sounds as though your DH may not be very happy either. He may be glad of a discussion.

nojam i think it is really understandable that you would feel guilt about leaving. It is hard to think about the notion of "abandoning" someone who is ill. However, yoour need for affection and desire for more children and an intimate relationship are just as valid as his needs. He knows the situation but has done nothing to address your emotional well being - how hard is it to give someone a touch or hug, a smile? You are supposed to be his beloved wife not the housekeeper.

Perhaps your husband is, like MXY said, also unhappy. He is not meeting your need for affection but equally does not want you to leave - you may be his crutch. so he is sticking his head in the sand about your situation and hoping you will plod along.

Does he have parents or other support netwoks if you split? Could you afford to have counselling on your own to explore the consequences of leaving and your feeling of guilt around it? It could help to talk it over with someone outside the situation for a short solution based course of therapy. It is such a difficult and heart rending situation for you. You sound like a really lovely, caring person.

I think you should go. This isn't much of a marriage and you may be better parenting, instead of being in a relationship.