When your b****** ex is in a successful new relationship...

[101trees]

First ever post! Spent a lot of time reading excellent advice from this forum in the past and it helped me define boundaries in the past when I really needed them - thanks for that.

I've been separated from my ExH for nearly 4 years, we have one DS (8) together. He has a new partner and 2 additional children with her as well as her DS (9).

He was a real arse, self-confessed lack of empathy or understanding of people's feelings, fits of rage, constantly berated me for not being good enough at anything, essentially being an inadequate person.This is really the tip of the iceberg - there were times he pressured and pretty much forced me into sex, the time he pinned me on the bed and shouted in my face, friends he insisted I never see again, relationships ruined forever... the time he threatened to beat (then baby) DS because he wouldn't go to sleep... the list is endless.

Doubtlessly he was an total twat and I did the right thing in leaving... I've never felt the level of stress and emotional break down at any other point, I'm not sure how I survived it. He was in a furious state of disbelief when I left him for a long time.

I built a new life with my DS, we now have a great life and relationship with each other and all has finally stabilised. We have shared care which is OK, DS feels he is loved by all involved, loves his new siblings and feels we all get on..

The issue I now have is - how oh how oh how is his new relationship so successful? Does this mean it was me in some way? Why is she OK where I wasn't?

I feel so lost and confused about how to make a connection again with someone new. How do I put this behind me enough to seriously consider someone new in a relationship? I've dated plenty of people since then, one for 8 months who was lovely, but I don't seem to be able to consider someone as an actual partner. Suspect I may now have the dreaded commitment issues

Sorry about the length of the post - thanks for reading, any help much appreciated...

POF - that's really hard. I understand the upset that you feel about the family man issue. It's so sad to read that.

I wish I had an explanation of why he speaks to her in a better way than he spoke to you. If it's any consolation - at least your DD can see that the way he spoke to you is wrong and hopefully she won't tolerate that in future/ speak to others that way.

My DS is a bit mixed up about it all now. He describes me as 'you like to be a calm person' - which I am, but not extraordinarily so, but really it is the contrast he is pointing out. It's difficult to explain to him without inadvertently putting his Dad down - which I never want to do.

Thank you 101 - sorry I made my post all about me but I so get everything you are saying!
I too worry about future relationships and can’t ever see myself trusting anyone again for all the same reasons you have identified especially the questions about my own part in “tolerating” the abuse.
I do take comfort from my DDs words but also know she has a very low opinion of men generally, due to him which is sad in itself. My DS has distanced himself from my ex - this is obviously how he deals with it. However at least he appears to be in a happy and healthy relationship himself. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to slate your ex to your child but still wanting them to understand what is and isn’t ok.

I think people do act differently in different relationships- my ex has shown characteristics with the woman he left me for which I never saw in or 13 years - I think they had more of a ‘passionate’ ‘extreme’ relationship than we did.

They are not together now.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. It's so good to have some thoughts other than the same ones I have had for years spinning around in my head. It's a strange feeling to open the lid on all this stuff. It also feels odd to hear the word abuse attached to his behaviour, I hadn't really considered it that way.

Funnily enough I don't think it is trust issues I have about a future relationship - more a lack of faith in them bringing benefits which are worth the compromises which are necessary and a lack of faith in my own ability to make good choices. I've always been determinedly independent until I was neck deep in a poor relationship which I felt utterly trapped and controlled in. Now I feel I keep deliberately putting people at arm's length or sticking them firmly in The Friend Zone because I'm more comfortable with them there. Ultimately though I do want a full and intimate relationship (and hopefully more lovely children) so I find myself trapped by self sabotage.

I agree with Natalia that it may have been the way the two of you interacted that was the problem, although I don’t in any way mean to minimise the way he treated you.

I used to fight and argue all the time with my ex boyfriend, even when things were going well between us. My relationship with DH is so much calmer - we literally never argue - maybe once a year or less. It’s funny to think that I am the same person, as the way I relate to them is so different!

So it may not be the way you handled things which is different from her, but more that something clashed between you and your ex’s personalities.

I doubt the new partner is any better off. The perceived ‘failure’ of divorce does tend to make abusers act a bit better to the new partner, but it’s temporary. He likely has found new ways to abuse or control her. Maybe it’s financial abuse, maybe it’s verbal - my aunt’s ex beat her and on the surface treated the ow really well but actually she was getting verbally abused (and quite horribly to). A leopard can’t change it’s spots!

Clicked submit too early! My bf dad used to control her mum through money, and after he cheat on her and left her with ow started beating the ow after 5 years!

Oh god Raving - that's awful. I sincerely hope that's not the case here.

I felt bullied and squashed, and he admitted that's what he was doing - he just felt there wasn't anything wrong with it. It was his way of making sure the things he wanted to happen happened, if my opinion was different it was just not the right one yet. I shy away from confrontation and dont deal well with pressure and shouting and I don't think he understood that softer way of communicating - it was like we spoke different languages. So I guess that Catalufa and Natalia are right in that respect. It's good to hear you found a better suited relationship Cat.

The thing about it was that it wasn't like that at the start. The more angry and pushy he became - the more reticent I became. We changed in response to each other.

It's an interesting point about the percieved failure of divorce influencing behaviour.

O gosh I feel like this too:

When with me he didn’t work, didn’t socialise, didn’t parent, didn’t do a lot really.

I left and he has a relationship - got a job, parents her kids, goes to parties.

I feel she has the benefit of what I endured & in darkest moments that I made him like that - that I was really toxic in some way.

Then i visualise him picking his toenails & remember that she’s welcome to him 😂

It doesn’t mean it was you. It’s not possible for it to be you given the description of his unacceptable behaviour towards you - there could not have been anything you did that should result in that.

My eldest two’s dad seems to be in a relatively successful relationship now and honestly I’m quite glad. Horrible as he was to me I don’t want him to compound that by being horrible to more women.

He’s been married a few years now... no sign of it being unhappy, though I wouldn’t really know. I hope that he does well and they are happy and loving. That would be the best outcome for our children, me, his wife and him (in that order).

Yes I agree Offred. It's a strange position to be in really. I'm definitely not wanting the same situation to happen again with someone else and my DS enjoys a more involved relationship with his Dad due to his new family man-ness so I wouldn't want that to change - it's just the insecurity in me really wondering about whether if I should have done something differently.

I do understand what you mean Reflex about enjoying the benefits of your suffering. I wouldn't put it quite like that myself - but I do feel like I was the learning relationship in a way - learning that actually, people will walk away in the end if you behave like that. Having said that - maybe they are just more suited, or indeed, maybe the same relationship problems exist. Either way, my feelings for him have long since gone and I struggle to see now anything in him which I would find attractive - improved version or not.

I think the thing I have figured out by posting is that really what I am concerned about is my view of romantic relationships and trying to view them as positive again.

I guess we do all have emotional baggage by this point in life, I'm just trying to understand mine a bit better. It's been helpful to hear others experiences / opinions.

So it seems like it is most likely simply a problem with you not being in the reality that he abused you.

When you say you struggle to think of it as abuse that’s what makes me think that is the problem.

You probably would benefit a lot from accepting that your experience of him was real and it was abuse.

I was lucky enough to be picked up by WA shortly after XP and reprogrammed (to a certain extent) so I went through this kind of recategorising process pretty quickly after the end of the relationship.

Sometimes people want to just forget about it and move on but then it comes back to bite them in the arse later when they feel safer.

The comment that losing me might have made him change his ways is one that haunts me a little - he kept telling me when I left that he had learnt his lesson but by that point I didn't believe it

But (if he has learned anything) it's very possible that it took actually really losing you for him to learn. If you had taken him back, it most likely would have been the same abuse again, but with him trying to block your exits to keep you from leaving again.

It's also possible that he hasn't learned, and that he either already is abusing his new wife or that he eventually will. It's possible that he learned to be more subtle in how to be a controlling piece of shit, so she hasn't realized it yet. You don't really know what is going on with them. You don't know how much of a happy face she is trying to keep up.

It's possible that he wants you to think everything is perfect with them as a way of getting back at you.

What is really important for you is that you left. You stopped the craziness in your life and your son's life, and made a sane life.

Thanks Offred, there could be some truth to that. I'm certainly now just entering a place where things are stable and safe (there were some other unrelated events which happened around the same time and took a while to resolve) and I did glaze over things at the time because it was necessary to just get on with it all make things work. What is WA?

Agree totally that the important thing is that life is now calm and peaceful and that I got out of the situation which really was bad for all of us. I remember at the time thinking that all I wanted was to be able to extract all 3 of us from a situation I knew was wrong and that all I really wanted was for each of us to come out of that in one piece and be OK.

The thing is, now that the dust has settled and I'm in this calm and stable (starting to sound a little like Theresa May) environment and everyone is OK - I find that I want more, I don't want to feel stuck. I want to move on and truly put things behind me, I want a successful relationship for myself.

Not all that glitters is gold op.

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