I am a wreck, and I'm taking everyone down with me

[countingthestars]

I've been wanting to share this for a while, but it's so hard knowing how to explain and what to say.

I am well aware one of my huge problems is the disparity between the image I want to present to others and the reality of my life. For the most part, people respond very positively to me. I appear friendly, well presented, kind, thoughtful and calm. "Lovely" is an adjective I've often been described with, "steady" is another.

It's an absolute mystery to me how I can be one thing to people who don't know me well yet the reality is so vastly different.

The truth is, I'm a wreck. I actually had some time earlier today and I tried to write things out - a sort of timeline of my relationship - and I realised how many times in my late teens and early twenties I was actually presenting with severe mental health problems: eating disorders and being unable to get out of my bed. I went to university but I completely disengaged and self taught - I didn't attend any lectures apart from a handful in the first semester and only attended seminars after being told in the second year I had to. Even then, my attendance was patchy.

Somehow, I came out with a 2:1, which is a strange side to my personality: when I really focus on something and decide I'm going to do it, I have absolute steely determination and incredible strength of character, but I have to want it so much and for something to click into place (unfortunately, this tendency has also meant I've been battling eating disorders for most of my life.)

My relationship is so problematic because my husband tries to "save" me from myself by tightening up the control. I think, possibly, it stemmed from a good place, many years ago. but now it's become a habit and a bad habit.

Part of me wants to break free. I want to live my own life, be my own person, as at the moment I am not.

Part of me doesn't. Part of me doesn't want to be my own person because I am afraid that person isn't particularly nice or pleasant. And I suppose in the back of my mind is that we get the love we think we deserve and I deserve - what? Nothing.

I'm sorry - if anyone can get to grips with that disaster of a post, I'd be incredibly grateful!

Hi, and thank you.

I have done some "research" and I am really not at all convinced I have bipolar or borderline - I think I possibly have some traits but in the same way that we all do. Borderline in particular seems mainly to be characterised by numerous suicide attempts. I have never done this, ever.

Kimmi I do have a loving husband but I am scared of him too.

I need to identify who I am, and what I need.

Not sure which source is saying that borderline is characterised by numerous suicide attempts- certainly not true in real life! Sounds like a prejudiced author.

Do you think you can find yourself whilst in such a controlling relationship? I can’t imagine how you can tbh.

www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/managing-suicide-risk-borderline-personality-disorder

None of the above even remotely describes me. I don't even usually take paracetamol for a headache!

"Ms A, a 22-year-old, was brought to the emergency department (ED) by ambulance; she had overdosed on zolpidem. After detoxification in the ED, a psychiatric consultation was requested. Ms A told the consultant that she had had a bad day and simply took 5 extra zolpidem tablets to “go to sleep” and that “it was just a stupid thing to do.” While obtaining the history, the consultant noted that Ms A’s therapist had left for vacation 2 days earlier.

The consultant informed Ms A that her overdose was just a reaction to her therapist’s vacation, that she did not have a major mental disorder, and that she was going to be discharged. In response, Ms A became irate, “No one cares about me; I just tried to kill myself and you just want to get rid of me! If you don’t admit me, I’m going to walk in front of the next bus!”

Feeling manipulated but with no other options, the consultant admitted Ms A to the inpatient psychiatric unit. Once there, the staff noted that Ms A seemed cheerful, childlike, and cooperative. In the morning, however, Ms A angrily demanded to be discharged when she was refused a smoking pass. The inpatient psychiatrist questioned Ms A about the recent overdose and suicide threats; she stated that she never intended to carry out her threats but was just trying to get attention."

That isn't me; I've never ever behaved like that, and I never would.

am well aware one of my huge problems is the disparity between the image I want to present to others and the reality of my life. For the most part, people respond very positively to me. I appear friendly, well presented, kind, thoughtful and calm. "Lovely" is an adjective I've often been described with, "steady" is another.

It's an absolute mystery to me how I can be one thing to people who don't know me well yet the reality is so vastly different.

This will be very outing if anyone I know is on MN, but IMO what you have written here relates completely to personality theory.
If you have any inclination do some research on this, Carl Rogers specifically. Often we are who we need to be to be regarded positively.
I won’t waffle on (although my enthusiasm on the subject wants me to) but I think this may be helpful in which case seeing a specifically trained person-centred counsellor would be beneficial.

I think you believe yourself - your true self - to be unloveable. So you tell people you are someone you are not as a way of hiding the fact that you think that the "real" you is totally unacceptable.

I'm here to tell you that this is total bollocks. The real you IS lovely, full of value and beautiful.

What is happening is that you're projecting another "character" at people, and as they get close they are sensing that you are different and they are pulling away because they don't know where the "real" you is. I'm guessing you have a lot of friendships where people are very eager at first, and then pull away.

If you just stop doing this and be yourself a bit more, I think you will find that your true self is loveable and loved by others, and that they will sense the truth of you and will want to know you better.

You don't need to be controlled by your husband. You need to be freed to be yourself.

Yes, I absolutely do, whisky. I have many people in my past who I have been close to and then the friendship has inevitably waned.

lovein I have tried it ... it just didn't seem very effective for me, and I am willing to concede this was probably me but I don't know how to make it more effective.

You need to trust yourself (your goodness, your worth) enough to be natural and honest with others. You are loveable just as you are. You don't need to hide behind another persona, to fashion your body into an image of thin perfection, or to be utterly controlled to be worthy of care and affection.

Many wise words - now I need to really work at believing them!

@countingthestars none of it describes me either!!!

Not saying you have it all, just saying the source of your information is only portraying very extreme examples of it!

You need help - a good counsellor who can give you unconditional positive regard - to do that. It's hard work undoing a lifetime of internalised criticism.

Op if I may ask how long did you have pct for? The critical component in this type of therapy is an openness and a want to move forward, if you were uninterested or resistant at the time then it would not be beneficial.
Of course I am not suggesting this is a cure all or even what is right for you, just something to consider.

But, Random, I really don't see how I can have it when:

MIND website says:

• You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening. - not really, if anything I find myself sometimes feeling a bit overwhelmed with needy people. I think when I was younger I had a fear of abandonment with DH but that was more linked to the fact he was someone "safe" in my world (I had a troubled time as an adolescent.) Again, even then I sometimes used to try and take myself off, give myself space from him.

• You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident in the morning to feeling low and sad in the afternoon) again I wouldn't really say so, I definitely have changes of mood but for a logical reason and I am able to cheer myself up quite well.

• You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change depending on who you're with. yes, I would say that's fair.

• You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships. yes and no. I have friendships going back years. I have a husband I've been married to for 12 years and we were together before that. My lack of stablity with relationships is generally because I had quite a chaotic life when younger - moved around a lot, and also dh can be controlling about friendships. I've never rowed with anybody since school days.

• You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously). well, I'm still battling the eating disorder. Never taken drugs, not a dangerous driver. I can be impulsive I suppose.

• You have suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviour never

• You feel empty and lonely a lot of the time. sometimes, but only if I am, if that makes sense. If I've been in the house alone from 7 in the morning till 9 at night yes I do; I think anyone would?

• You get very angry, and struggle to control your anger. not massively, I did have a bit of a temper once (my mum wasn't a great role model and I thought it was acceptable to scream and yell) but I really force myself not to lose it now. Generally I appear to people to be very calm and steady and smiley.

• *When very stressed, sometimes you might:

feel paranoid have psychotic experiences, such as seeing or hearing things other people don't feel numb or 'checked out' and not remember things properly after they've happened.* no, I wouldn't say this fits either?

So there are two things that sort of fit - that doesn't seem to be to be borderline.

Re your point about making it more effective, finding the right therapist is key, it is worth searching and having initial consultations to discover if you can work together and don’t be afraid to ask questions.

Well, it isn't an option at the moment anyway, but thank you.