estranged dd's, illness and inheritance

[usernamestaken1]

I have (dd1 52 and dd2 50).

my dh of 28 yrs is their stepfather.
through the decades he has always supported me through their life crisis , which have been too many to mention.

at this critical time in my life, I have been forced to accept the reality of my dd's lives.

dd1 has always been a ruthless/ manipulative/ liar ,bullying me financially . dh was always there to "pick up the pieces" when the misery became too much for me.
yet after each drama she professes to love me.
as self protection I have chosen to go nc with her.

dd2 has always been emotionally unstable, frequent threats of suicide, although apparently appears to have a more stable life now.

although through the years she has gone nc for a year or two ,got back in touch, then repeated the nc sometime later then says she loves me.
4 years ago she went nc with me and I hadn't heard from her since then.

this has been a pattern for them both.

each time I was devastated with the nc, but so happy when it all appeared to be resolved(it was events in their lives that it seems like they used me as their emotional punchbag)

dd2 was nc with dd1 for many years, but recently they "made up and forgave each other"

both dd's had every kind of support I could offer through the years, yet it was as though they would hurl emotional grenades into my peaceful life.

it has been a nightmare never knowing what turmoil was round the corner.

now, please I need help.

I have a life threatening illness, both dd want to come back into our lives (love?inheritance) .

I am afraid to allow this even though I would dearly love to see them and hug them, but am afraid that they will both cause me emotional fear and unsettle my dh with what time I have left.

I emotionally shake with the thought that one of them, or both will be standing at my front door.

I am the same age as one of your daughters and my mother has also a serious and probably terminal illness. My brother is estranged from the family and I too wonder if he will rear his head shortly - whether for a potential chance of an inheritance (like you there isn't millions) or just because he geneuinely wants to see my mother again.

I have wondered how we will feel and what she should do if he does and he hasn't even maed contact so even from afar he's on my mind! So even without contact I fear you won't have peace of mind so you just need to grasp the mettle, discuss with your DH what you would both prefer and go with it trying to keep the control.

If you want to see them one last time and give them a hug, then do. They ought to be on best behaviour so hopefully won;t cause too much hassle. When you arrange a meeting be very clear in the email that you thank them for the offer but you won't be needing help in attending hospital appointments, that you have a system that works but of course you would ask them if required.

I know you say youdon;t see why you should meet them outside your home but I might be helpful as it will avoid bringing the emotion into your home and keep it a "safe" place for you.

I wish you luck - I can't decide whether I'd like my brother to be bothered enough to ask to see my mum or not!

Ttbb makes me wonder what my mother did so very different with him than me or my sister

And obviously it's absolutely nothing to do with genetics or adult choices or even their father - nope Mother's fault. Bad Mother!

huh,
I have turned myself inside out blaming myself over the years, what could I have done differently, was it all my fault?

on the occasion the relationship was good, they would both say, independently of each other, what a good mother I have been, always there to support them, the "best mother in the world".

then when things went wrong in their lives, be it financial, abusive partners/ friends etc, I would be their punch bag, and it would all be my fault.

but each time I went back for more, hoping they would be like I would want them to be.

both dd's were estranged from each other for years , totally opposite characters, one strong and ruthless, the other unable to cope with life.
maybe I didn't have strong enough boundaries, I should have made them stand on their own two feet instead of "rescuing" them each time their lives fell apart.

so any blamers don't worry me, I have explored that many times over, but now I have to make the decision , will it be to anyones benefit to bring anxiety into my life at this awful time.

Op don't justify yourself to ttb, it sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'm having a similar ish situation in that my mum's been ill and after 25+ years of my brother doing a disappearing act, he's rearing his ugly head. Mum's not daft though, she knows who and what he is, he's showed us enough times. Just make sure you have all your affairs in order.

You could meet with your daughters somewhere neutral, see how the land lies. You don't have to meet with them again if you don't want to.

Enjoy your time together with your husband

I think as far as a Will is concerned, you are married and so anything you own will go to him. What might make things easier is if you left something small to your daughters in your Will so that they couldn't say you had forgotten all about them.

Are you the poster whose DD had moved abroad and then came back to be with her abusive ex?

If it is you then you need to keep them away. They bring nothing but pain to you and your husband. As bitterly disappointed you must be that your DD’s aren’t able to be normal human beings they are toxic to you. You still love them I understand that. But right now if they came back into your life you would be questioning their motives, and dealing with their issues.

Your illness would become their problem and about them. You don’t need that. You need some peace you have tried for years. This time won’t be any different.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Get a good lawyer to draw up your will.
Ensure you make that lawyer the executor of your will.

You know not to engage with your DD's.
For your own sanity and that of your DH.
Don't even attempt to go down that road.

I would want to see my DDs whatever they had done to me. It is up to you and I don't know your history but it feels wrong not to see them, sorry.

I had no contact with my mother for 20 years (her choice not mine) and when she became ill I wanted to be their to see her because despite all she put me through she was my mother and I still loved her and she wanted that to. It wasn’t about getting her inheritance (I didn’t and even if I did I would not of accepted it)
They are your children and despite what they have put you through surely you want take up the chance to Fix your relationship?

I would send each of them a letter stating that as your dh has been your husband for 28 years you will be leaving him your entire estate, just as you would have don had it been a ‘nuclear’ family.

I would then say that inheritance issues aside, you would welcome a meeting with them (only if you decide you would).

That should answer any doubts.

So sorry to hear about your illness, OP.

I'm in two minds about this one.

If there's even a small possibility that they want to see you irrespective of inheritance, should this be given a chance? So, to see them, give them a hug and agree (if you can/want) to let the past be in the past. But if they raise the inheritance issue be completely ready with a stock response (broken record technique): "DH will be inheriting everything. This is not up for discussion".

I too would want to see my children before I died. They don't need to know your intentions with the will, but perhaps they are feeling remorse and would like to make peace. Refusing to see them now may well cause them further difficulties & distress during the rest of their lives. Would you want this?

How do you feel about the idea upthread of leaving them a bequest, perhaps personal item of sentimental value?

If you do see them, make sure it's on neutral territory e.g. a cafe. Don't give them free reign at your home, they have lost the right to that.

And they don't need to know what's in your will.

I can’t imagine ever being in this position with my mum but through most of their adult life my mums siblings were estranged from each other and the parents. When my grandfather was dying it brought everyone back together - the fights and battles seem less relevant when you are faced with the thought of never seeing each other again.

A few years later my grandmother died so the money came into play then but other than some minor squabbles there was no issue. In this case 10years later and the reconnecting with the family is still in place and everyone remembers how their fathers dying brought them back together - sad it took this but the wanting to be back in touch was genuine despite there being quite a lot of money at stake.

FYI none of them would have been cut out of the will either way.

yes, I have read all of the replies, and have thought really carefully what I should/need to do next.

it's true both dd's need to see me, I would hate to think the rest of their lives could be affected not being able to say goodbye, (hopefully not soon)

I am still thinking............

You do need a will. In England at least, some money will go to your DDs which could put your DP in the position of having to sell up. If you make a will, you can be clear about what you want.

If I were you, I’d decide that first. Then when it is in place reply to the DDs explaining what the inheritance position is, and ask if they still want to meet. Then fix a single meeting in a neutral venue. Don’t do it at home, that needs to be a safe haven for you.