He drives me crazy with his clumsy/forgetful/unorganised ways!

[Mrstumbletap]

Am I doomed to a life of frustration with my DH? I’m convinced he is getting worse, he forgets things, is oblivious to things happening around him, thinks of himself and makes parenting hard work. He is mid 30s and is just as forgetful and organised at work as he is at home. He forgets keys,phone, loses things, doesn’t think to pick things up for DC, doesn’t think ahead, doesn’t plan.

I thought partners were supposed to lighten the load for each other? Am I wrong in thinking that?

Do your partners make your life easier?

Also yes to routine - if he knows that he ALWAYS has to do x, and you don’t ever do it, it keeps it simple.

Lily I had to laugh as my DH is the exact same. My dd has had keys since she was 6 as they once had to break into our own house because I was stuck at work!

Sassy is** right - I also would add that people don’t always have all the symptoms. My DH is very precise and neat with writing, drawing etc. But he cannot deal with emotions in a typical way (has had to find own coping strategies) and has had social issues although to meet him you would think him perfectly confident and polite. He has most of his issues with planning, multi tasking (impossible), organisation and remembering things.

His physical motor skills are also all fine, better than most people in fact. It’s so interesting how it manifests.

It could also be that he has something wrong with him as i often think I do although I've not looked for any diagnosis for myself but it doesn't help to be reminded of it tbh. I think you need to accept that either his relationship will work with you making changes to help your husband help you or you leaving. That's how it is with me. I don't deliberately not cook all week etc it genuinely never crosses my mind but if my husband didn't cook then it most likely would be noticeable!
So sounds like you both need to make changes for it to work. I now have a wall planner and we sit together and write what each person is going to do each week. My bit is still easier but me doing anything is better than me forgetting everything so for example my cook days will be oven frozen food because I don't have to remember to buy it and I can do it quickly even when I've forgotten it's my day. You can also get shared calendar apps that allow you to put reminders in yours and your partners phones, or my husband now says 'spaghetti put that reminder in now and I've got better at putting stuff in immediately.
I had two assistants at work so I got away with it at there! It really is hard work being forgetful and I have to reduce my stress as well by just getting new things when I've forgotten them or leaving something until the next day where possible.
Never allowing your partner to do something on his own won't help him though. It relieves the stress for him to remember instead of sorting the problem

TheGrumpySquirrel It is strange how this condition is in no way typical isn't it? - DS learnt how to do his school tie in 60 seconds flat but his ability to loose coats and jumpers is epic (third school coat of the year so far)
Also odd how it tends to be more common in males.

Those symptoms are very interesting, it is like he is wired differently. He has trouble with time keeping and is late a lot. Just before we are about to go to a wedding/birthday meal etc he will do something random like start moving ladders in the garage. I’m in the hall ready, DS ready, present wrapped, saying “Come on we have to go! Why are you doing that now?’”

Organisation/planning- he is very here and now, Xmas, presents wrapping, food prep, decorations, packing for holidays etc he just doesn’t think of anything that needs to be done.

Rhythm - he really struggles with, cannot dance, looks very uncomfortable, something I have always found strange is that he struggles to clap in time to music, even when sitting down in the kitchen etc clapping in time is quite hard for him, I have never really thought about it until now. He also bumps his head on things regularly, trips over, burns himself, drops things, bashes walls and door frames etc when carrying things and is generally very clumsy.

He isn’t great at listening and sometime seems oblivious at reading social cues or situations/events that happen I front of him.

Does this sound like the symptoms you have described?

Oh my god - I have just looked at the symptoms on dyspraxiafoundation.org and I would say at least 80% of the symptoms are accurate for my DH.

Suddenly everything is making sense.

I was going to suggest Dyspraxia.

At least now he can look at ways to help himself so he is reminded of things.

I have not been diagnosed with Dyspaxia but have many of the symptoms. If I don't have a list, or rather lots of lists, I think I would spend all day, daydreaming and would forget everything I was supposed to do. I need to remind myself constantly what is happening that day

Yep, definitely the “moving the ladders” or some other random totally unimportant thing, when you are trying to get on with something else ! And getting distracted in the middle of tasks... I have had a half polished brass lamp in the kitchen for 6 months (is hoarding also a symptom?!). No system for anything, let alone storing things.

Mrstumbletrap There are websites and facebook support groups that have lots of tips for helping with issues such as organisation. DS now has the understanding that he has to enter reminders and alarms on his phone or he will forget things. Even if he writes something down on paper he will inevitably loose the piece of paper however as his phone is surgically attached to him that works best.

This is seriously a game changer, the wisdom is of mumsnet strikes again!!

I am not a doctor so can not diagnose anything, but I have been reading all about it this afternoon and it is like dyspraxia explains so much. The handwriting, the way he grips a pen, the over exaggerated ways he moves his arms when he walks, not being great at throwing or catching, the social situations.

Can anyone recommend any books?

Sassymuffin sorry x post was typing when you wrote that. Thank you I will look on Facebook, do you have the name of the group?

Yes my DH will loose the piece of paper, he loses cheques, he once lost one for £200 as he just put it in his back pocket. I was livid at the time as we sold something and he was supposed to take it the bank. A £10 note fell out of his jeans the other day in the car park he didn’t even notice until I told him. He is a great person to walk behind, you would make a fortune!

There’s me thinking all the times he bumps his head must have been affecting his brain

Most books are directed towards understanding Dyspraxia (or DCD - Development Co-ordination Disorder)

Amazon do have a few books such as:
Dyspraxia: Dyspraxic Adults Surviving in a Non-Dyspraxic World: A Dyspraxia Foundation Adult Support Group Publication.

Living with Dyspraxia: A Guide for Adults with Developmental Dyspraxia - Revised Edition

if you Google Dyspraxia on Amazon these options should come up.

Sorry posted to soon Facebook group that may be helpful is - Dyspraxia Foundation National Adult Support group

www.facebook.com/DyspraxiaFoundationAdults/

Sounds very like my husband. My son has attention defecting disorder and I’m sure my husband does too.

Forgetful. Disorganised. Unable to make decisions. All the same issues. Also not particularly clumsy, but will fall over things because his attention is focused on anything except what’s in front of him. Easily distracted. If he’s doing something that needs concentration is has a hissy fit if interupted as it throws him completely. Yet he can concentrate intensely on something for extended periods. Gets irritable easily as he realises how distractable he is. Doesn’t like to take responsibility but will offload it all on me and say ‘just tell me what you want me to do’ so I end up doing all the mental work like planning and juggling.

Also men generally will do this offloading planning and organisation onto the wife over matters in the home and children, regardless of whether she is working or not.

Another negative is the more you take responsibility for organising him the more helpless he will become and the more he will rely on you.

So...I’d research ADD and see if he can find coping mechanisms for the disorder. Will make you both happier. Refuse to organise him on anything other the important stuff. Give him a list of his weekly duties like taking the bins out and don’t nag. Nagging builds resentments in the nagger and the nagee. Just say look at the list. Don’t organise his work life. He can find his own phone and keys. If he messes up there let his boss kick his arse.

Ffs! Attention deficit disorder.

Hi all,
This is a very interesting thread for me as my partner is dyspraxic. We have two young girls and have come seriously close to splitting up this year. It is unbelievably hard being the one to always be organising and planning and taking initiative. Especially when you have young children and are sleep deprived. I think the thing that I find the hardest is the emotional detachment and him getting distracted from tasks that I consider vital to our relationship, such as planning a night out or holiday or some quality time together. Invariably he ends up in his safe space (IT programming) and forgetting my needs and my sadness. It’s very lonely. After months of unsuccessful relationship counselling I’ve realised that a series of very boring and practical things could be the key to us surviving as well as me trying not to take his behaviour personally (which is the hardest part for me..). Grumpysquirrel I’m very interested in the practical solutions you have put in place and how you manage to stay calm. It’s really tough to live with...

Cardeyscat it is really hard to deal with and hard to not take them mags personally. But I honestly don’t think my partner is lazy and he doesn’t do anything out of spite. I can tell he doesn’t mean to do the things he does. BUT It doesn’t mean it isn’t bloody infuriating at times though. He winds me up beyond belief and I want to scream.

I think a week with him is actually a bit much without a break as well. I’m going to read up on it and actually find some strategies because I do love him and want to be with him.

What boring and practical things are you going to do? Maybe I could use your ideas if you don’t mind sharing them?

Good luck OP, hopefully you can identify some coping mechanisms, if not get an official diagnosis.

@cardeyscat sorry to hear that.. it is VERY frustrating and at times I do not succeed in keeping my cool! However after seven years of trial and error (and I have a dd who was 5 when we met) we have the following systems / agreements in place (what works for us of course may not be the same for everyone but hopefully gives some inspiration...):

• it is pointless to try and get his attention while he is doing something else - he literally DOES NOT HEAR ME. I stopped taking it personally but I also made sure that he doesn’t expect me to drop what I’m doing for him either (thus avoiding resentment due to double standards — but I have to actively stop myself because I’m very reactive to others’ needs!). If I need to talk to him about something I have to actively get him to disengage from the task and focus, so I save it for only v important stuff that requires an action.
• We both get alone down time to do our own thing. Potter around randomly in his case. Yoga in mine. Several hours each weekend at a minimum.
• strict rule - car keys go back in a certain drawer as soon as you get in. No exceptions. He doesn’t carry anything of (joint) importance when we are out and about. He can lose his own stuff, I don’t care. I have had to lend him my spare credit card on occasion, funnily enough he didn’t dare lose that one. I no longer get annoyed or “join in the stressing” when he loses something, I let him fix it (I will help if I can - took a long time to feel this generous about it though, and I don’t let him rely on me to fix it all the time) and move on.
• rule: whoever puts their night out / weekend away / work evening event in the diary first gets to go. Or the other has to arrange a babysitter. We use outlook calendars for work and “invite” each other.
• separate domains of responsibility so that you don’t go insane trying to “work in a team” with someone that disorganised.... but this means you need to accept that his domains will not be optimally run (yes I am an efficiency mad planner / control freak married to a dyspraxic,...!). So my DH meal plans, shops and cooks. I never ever ever do those things. I don’t think about them. I do organise our calendars, plan social/family visits etc as well as pay all the bills and do all the other life admin, organise the cleaner, dd school trips etc, and plan our holidays. Sometimes I get a bit irritated if he is preparing some weird meal that requires obsessive attention to detail and it’s a school night and we don’t eat till 9pm, but in the grand scheme of things it’s a great deal. And I don’t resent all the other stuff because I feel he is pulling his weight.
• I don’t email or text him if I want a response that day/year. I speak to him on the phone or face to face. His friends have given up and his family call me instead... I’ve had to accept my role as social secretary.

It’s not perfect.. but we try to play to our strengths. He’s much better visually than with text. I’m the opposite. He’s creative, I get things done.

Keep a routine, and avoid the temptation to meddle in the area(s) that are his responsibility. So if you would like him for example to plan and sort your DD’s lunchboxes you need to let him see the consequences if it doesn’t happen (and the consequences should NOT be you getting angry...)

I’m sure there are more ideas but that’s all I can think of for now

Grumpysquirrel - some really good tips there! I have a teenage dyslexic son who also has many dyspraxia traits and I do worry how he will cope in adult life with the organisation required - what a great system you have developed. Hope he meets someone as understanding as you!

Grumpysquirrel are you happily married? Sorry if that is a bit personal, feel free to not answer.

What I have been thinking last night is now I know there is a reason, I know, I know he doesn’t have a diagnoses but it’s just accurately similar to the symptoms listed. we have been together for a decade and I have always just thought he was unique with his little traits and found them unusual/funny/strange and never known anyone like him.

But I already feel a bit differently and more positive about our marriage because it’s not personal and him being selfish=meaning he doesn’t care

I am a complete control freak, I don’t like change and like to plan, so can it work? Can we be happily married? Or can we just co-exist better but with all the organising and me having to manage the bigger things but then the sexual attraction goes? That is my fear that if I manage things, he then doesn’t seem like a capable/mature man and I won’t fancy him.

Or is that ridiculous?

@Mrstumbletap I would say that we are happily married (it’s been a year.. we have been together for seven.. did not feel ready to get married before that). It’s taken a long time to negotiate a kind of harmony but yes it helps to realise they are not doing it because they don’t care. My DH knows he has to acknowledge how his behaviour impacts me and take steps to manage it (for example if he lets a work meeting overrun despite needing to be home at a certain time and will not check his phone or think to excuse himself to make a call during the meeting - as he just won’t think of it) I’ll be really pissed off. This is a crappy impact on the other person regardless of intention. If it was not due to his issues, I would interpret that as really rude / disrespectful.

In this kind of situation he would be really apologetic and try to make it up to me. The dyspraxia isn’t a blanket excuse to wreak havoc on others’ lives. He does make more effort in those areas that impact me eg he will always phone me when he leaves the office so that we can plan our evening / tell me what is for dinner if I’m getting home first (despite not having read any messages during the day). If I’m feeling overwhelmed with life admin he will take on certain tasks (this isn’t that successful but at least he tries).

You need to feel like they care about your needs and are pulling their weight. Also certain “projects” he has delivered on (although I cannot bear to witness the way he goes about it) such as he has successfully planned 1 holiday for us and it was fine and he also chose and ordered all of our wedding flowers (terrifying for me to delegate this but they were so beautiful and he did great!).

And you need to find areas where he IS capable and let him demonstrate those (eg my husband is amazing at DIY and has made built in cupboards for our living room and laid an oak parquet floor). I then feel admiration, respect and appreciation. He is just good at different things. I am a planner and organisation freak but being with him has mellowed me a little and I think it’s healthy for us both to meet half way a bit.

Hi OP, the thing that has helped most has been getting a shared calendar app which maps out plans and can be used for lists (mine and his) and can send reminders if he has a job to do, like picking up the kids. It means that once it’s written down, it’s a weight off my shoulders and he can check it any time. His memory is atrocious.
Another thing is that I am learning to be much more direct about what I need (my problem is figuring out my needs which is a whole other thread..). He wants that and is a very kind man.
grumpysquirrel it sounds like you’ve figured out a lot of ways to be positive. It also sounds like our partners are very different. Unfortunately mine has never cooked or done the shopping. It has been very hard to see his good points recently (I’m swimming in endless household tasks whilst managing a freelance career with two children under 4) but it is essential to..