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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why would anyone go for a single mum

48 replies

Namechanger2735 · 01/11/2017 00:12

Really this isn't top of my to do list or my highest priority but I do worry il be alone (with my children) forever.
Why would anyone choose to be with a single mum of 2 under 2 when they could have someone that can be free and fun?
I don't want to go out and drink and leave my children with someone so I can go out and pull so how would I ever meet someone when my life is my kids? I dunno. I just think as much as my kids are my life and I could never be incomplete when I have them, a part of me does want to be loved on a level that doesn't rely on dependence, I want to be myself with someone and they love me for me and not because I'm "mum" (but I want them to love that I am a mum).

Plus, two pregnancies has left me looking like a baggy old bin bag, I struggle to see why anyone would be interested.

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 01/11/2017 17:52

I met dh at a bar. Total stranger - never had a night apart in the 5 years since that very night!!

Namechanger2735 · 01/11/2017 18:50

santa how amazing!

OP posts:
Mrstumbletap · 01/11/2017 22:22

If I were dating again I would be looking for a single Dad. Someone that knows how to parent, someone good with kids, someone happy to go to the zoo, soft play, swimming.

That would be a big bonus for me if I were looking, I would imagine it would the same for men.

Mrstumbletap · 01/11/2017 22:23

They also wouldn’t want me to give them more children, which is a big bonus!!

Jamiek80 · 01/11/2017 22:27

I would have no problem with dating a single mum. I can't see a reason not too you're dating the women not her family.

1DAD2KIDS · 01/11/2017 22:32

Jamiek80 ture but we take someone, baggage and all. Kids have a huge impact on relationships. Whether it be as an existing couple on the arrival of children or forming a relationship with someone who already has them. They change the dynamic and on the whole do make things more challenging.

ZepellinBend · 01/11/2017 22:43

Without sounding like I'm up myself I've had a good few offers and I'm a single mum. I have dated people that didn't have dc but actually prefer dating single parents myself as they understand the trials and tribulations of it all.

I've never met them online dating. My last ltr was met through an online interest group and I'm on a (first) date this weekend with someone I bump into occasionally that randomly asked me out Grin

Jamiek80 · 01/11/2017 22:47

1DAD2KIDS I agree kids have a huge impact but anyone who would rule out a relationship initiatially because of one thing is an idiot. Simply having children is far less of a red flag than say lacking in a sense of humour, not best example but easiest to explain.

Ambonsai · 01/11/2017 22:55

Actually OP, I'm with you.
I'm never going to even meet anyone
Let alone date, have sex or a relationship. Or think that anyone could have a good relationship with my son

anxiousnow · 01/11/2017 23:04

I haven't found that having children put men off. The stalker ex has though.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 01/11/2017 23:07

My DH and I started out as friends (friend of a friend type thing that started to socialise more in the same circle). I was a single mum of 2 at the time and he had a young DS.

The thing is he was quiet open in saying that he has never wanted marriage or kids. He had ended a long term relationship because he didn't want to hold his ex back from those things because he genuinely was not going to change his mind.

After that (he reckons it was some sort of life crisis as he was approaching 30) he met someone else and within a couple of months she was pregnant and he felt like he needed to marry her (he grew up without a dad). It all went horrible wrong a year after marrying (18 months together in total) and they split up. It was about 8 months later we became friends. I had also split from my ex-h so we were going through similar.

Sorry I know this seems long winded!

Anyway when we started to grow closer he was very honest with me in that he had never wanted children (is absolutely besotted with his DS though) or marriage. I was ok with this, having been there done that I honestly just wanted to find 'Mr Right'.

When we got together even his family said they didn't think it made sense to go for someone with 2 children considering his stance on the whole thing. He said he couldn't explain it but it was different with me.

It wasn't long before he started to bring up marriage and babies. Now he is DH and we're expecting our first baby together 😄

What I'm trying to get at very clumsily is that honestly someone will want you for YOU because to them you just honestly are that much more special then every other woman they have met and they will accept your children as part of you. It won't matter. Keep the faith.

free2017 · 01/11/2017 23:32

I am in the same boat as you OP been single for 5 years and I have convinced myself that no one will ever want me . But all these stories give me a little bit of hope Smile

ShatnersWig · 02/11/2017 08:15

I agree kids have a huge impact but anyone who would rule out a relationship initiatially because of one thing is an idiot

No they aren't an idiot. Most people have a dealbreaker of one sort or another and that is perfectly within their rights and does not make them an idiot. I know women who are 5ft 6 and under who won't date men under 6ft. That's their preference, choice and prerogative. There are plenty of people of both sexes who are childfree by choice, do not want children, nor do they want to step parent. As is their preference, choice and prerogative. For whatever reason it is not right for them. Maybe they have dated a single parent and found that the lack of that person's availability, or having things cancelled frequently due to illness, or child needing help with homework, or the babysitter can't make it isn't for them. Totally acceptable, as it would be for someone who wouldn't want a long distance relationship.

The idiot is someone who thinks it isn't perfectly reasonable for someone not to date a single parent if they don't want to, Jamie

dothetwister · 02/11/2017 08:24

Im not a single mum, but I think men prefer women with DCs. Genuinely.
Men like women who are in control of their own lives and have other focuses. Men don't like silly girls, they like strong women who know what they want and dont waste time with what they don't want.
From what I've observed over the years, I think single mums get more attention than single women.

demirose87 · 02/11/2017 08:33

I was a single mum of three, including a 7 month old baby when I met my partner online. He took on my three as his own and moved in and we now have our own baby together too. I showed him this thread and he said he would never have actively sought out someone with kids but he liked my profile and from meeting up, straight away he knew he wanted to be with us all. I've never had a problem finding men while I was single to be honest, but its sometimes more difficult to find the right man who is going to gel with your family as I think it takes a certain type of man to take on another man's kids and make sacrifices for them.

maddiemookins16mum · 02/11/2017 08:54

Many years ago, a single mum I knew had three kids under 6. She was in her 30's and had been single a long time.
She met a chap through a work colleague, they began dating. They eventually married and the chap adopted all three children and they took his name.

That single mum was MY MUM.

I remember a very special thing happened when they gathered me and my siblings together to tell us they were getting married.

I uttered some words that she said were the most lovely words ever, I said to the chap..

'Ooh goody, does that mean we can call you dad now?".

They married. Both dead now (some 45 years later) but it can happen, does happen and can be a very lovely thing.

LemonShark · 02/11/2017 10:03

dothetwister "Men like women who are in control of their own lives and have other focuses. Men don't like silly girls, they like strong women who know what they want and dont waste time with what they don't want."

Silly girls? Really? How about the millions of women who are child free (who either want or don't want kids in the future) who are bossing their careers, developing their skills and hobbies, have a wide social life, care for family etc. To imply that the dichotomy is 'single mums or silly girls' is pretty funny. you don't need to tear down other women without kids to make the point that some men are happy dating women with kids.

Also doesn't chime with my experience at all, some men are fine dating women with kids but I don't know any who'd willingly choose a single mum over a child free single woman other than single dads. Yes, men (and women) like a new partner to have their shit together but having kids doesn't make that the case, for example I've heard many men say they'd rather not date a single mother as the ones they have dated have been a bit full on, clingy/quickly dependent looking for a father figure or husband to complete them rather than letting the relationship develop naturally.

YoloSwaggins · 02/11/2017 10:30

Oh also my boyfriend's cousin started dating his GF when she was pregnant with someone else's baby!

They are now happily together with a pair of twins.

PinkTiger · 02/11/2017 13:53

dothetwister

Im not a single mum, but I think men prefer women with DCs.

Men don't like silly girls, they like strong women who know what they want and dont waste time with what they don't want.

From what I've observed over the years, I think single mums get more attention than single women.

This is just whacky nonsense!

There are lots of single women of all ages with no children who are strong, attractive and accomplished - and not silly girls!!

Fact is if you took 100% of men, a lot of them would prefer to date a single woman because it is logistically easier. You don't need to have all the "when should I meet the kids/am I going to be a part of their life" angst. You don't need to worry about when/where you are going to have sex and whether a 4 year old is going to hear/walk in. You can just take off for a weekend in Paris at the drop of a hat. You don't need to worry about plans being cancelled because little Jimmy had to be picked up from school as he's vomiting everywhere!

BUT there are plenty of men (as I said in my post above) who DO actively want to date women with children because it fits in with their lives - particularly if they don't want more children.

NOT all men are like this though. The older market of the newly single 50 year olds who want to have NSA sex with 20+ year olds is rife.

You are really deluded if you think that single women with children get more attention than single women without especially in the online dating market. In really life though how does that even work and how would you know???

Realistic conversation in a Bar:

"Hi Handsome. My name is Sarah and I have 3 kids"
"Hi My names John can I buy you a drink"

Wishingandwaiting · 02/11/2017 13:55

I’m a single mum of two young children.m and honestly in best shape of my life, so I’m not worrying from that perspective.

I will be very independent, there will be no games and I will have set times when it will just be me.

So I don’t think all that unappealing

Sadik · 02/11/2017 15:39

I'd say it can work the other way - as others have said there are men with children who would actively prefer a partner who is in the same situation.

Also IMO there are slightly older men (late 30s / early 40s) who desperately want dc, feel they've missed the boat, and see a single mum with children as very attractive, a bit of a ready-made family. I've had a few friends in that situation (though admittedly they tend to scare women off because they're like 'we could move in together! we could settle down! I really want to be a dad!' by about the second date Grin )

TieGrr · 02/11/2017 15:53

I met DP when DD had just turned 4. We're together nearly 3 years now and are buying a house together at the moment. We met at a mutual friend's birthday and there was a spark there from the very start. He always would have said that children terrified him but having spent time with DD, his opinion has changed.

It takes someone mature, undemanding and with a lot of patience to date a single parent.

1DAD2KIDS · 02/11/2017 16:38

Pink I'm am inclined to a agree in general to what you have put.

But of course not all men are the same or in the same personal circumstances. There is a market for everyone however market forces in each market applies

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