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Original poster

Did the deed, and.....

42 replies

Saffron2018 · 31/10/2017 18:43

I’ve been seeing this amazing guy for about two and a half months. We met quite organically, just by chance, rather than online dating or anything.

Anyway, our relationship began with a pretty intense mental connection (literally hours upon hours of conversation right from the start) but there was also plenty of physical attraction as well.

We didn’t have an official “what is this?” relationship talk. However, he told me a few weeks ago that he is not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. I’m not sleeping with anyone else either.

We finally had sex this past weekend. The sex was AMAZING. The best sex I’ve ever had in my life.

But now some insecurities are setting in. The very first time we had sex happened very spontaneously. Neither of us were expecting it exactly, it just happened. And he climaxed in something like 90 seconds and seemed really ashamed of that. Despite how quick the whole thing was it was actually seriously hot. But he seemed to think he’d disappointed me. We had sex again later that evening and he was able to last longer and it was amazing. But after sex he seemed distant. He wasn’t cuddling me as much as I’m used to (although we’d not previously had sex we’d slept in the same bed a few times). We talked a little and it was sweet and then we both fell asleep.

In the morning he initially looked really fried, like actually shell shocked and he seemed more distant than usual. Then we had breakfast together and he started going back to his usual self. But he seemed shyer than before. He’s set up the next date and has also discussed various things he wants the two of us to do or see together over the next few weeks. He also referred to himself as “your boyfriend” and looked sooooooo shy when he said it. The thing is, he didn’t used to behave all that shy at all before we had sex, so why now?

Before we had sex I was CRAZY about him. Now that we’ve had sex I’m just blown away by how amazing he is (in and out of bed). But I’m not sure how he feels. I was a bit worried about how he became distant, although as I said he more or less returned to normal in the morning. Is it normal for a man to become distant briefly immediately after sex?

OP posts:
ElephantsandTigers · 31/10/2017 18:47

Maybe he's freaking out at how brilliant everything is and is shy as he doesn't know how you feel.

AdalindSchade · 31/10/2017 18:50

Sounds really odd. You need to talk to him about it!

BubblesPip · 31/10/2017 18:51

Ask him maybe?

I had a somewhat similar experience with my exh. After our first time he went very very quiet, turns out he though he was a let down. This trend continued until we were able to relax a little more.

Dragongirl10 · 31/10/2017 18:53

I think you are overthinking this....it sounds like he really likes you and is a bit overwhelmed....cut him some slack... he sounds lovely..

beesandknees · 31/10/2017 18:56

I wouldn't ask anything. Let him be, give him some time, watch what he does next.

Don't worry yourself over how other people feel. Worry about your own feelings, what you think of him, etc. and let the rest happen organically.

overnightangel · 31/10/2017 18:59

“Don't worry yourself over how other people feel”

Sounds like terrible advice

letsdolunch321 · 31/10/2017 19:03

Don't over analyse any of it, just enjoy what you have.

If you like to be cuddled after sex tell him politely

Autumnskiesarelovely · 31/10/2017 19:18

I’d take it easy. Sex opens up intense emotions. Go with the flow, don’t analyze, chill with your man and give each other a little space.

He’ll be back for more!

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 19:21

Perhaps he needs some reassurance?

Original poster
Saffron2018 · 31/10/2017 19:25

@mummyoflittledragon I've not seen him since yesterday. I want to call or text but don't want to seem pushy.

I'm not sure if he realises how happy he makes me feel 😍😍😍

OP posts:
Original poster
Saffron2018 · 31/10/2017 19:26

@autumnskiesarelovely sex opens up intense emotions for men? I've often heard that men don't attach emotion to sex at all

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 19:30

tell him?

Mrsemcgregor · 31/10/2017 19:32

My (now) DH was similar after we first dtd. I have since found out that it was because he had built it up so much that when it finally happened he felt kind of lost, like he had nothing to focus his mind on. That sounds terrible, I can’t really find the words! But that was 10 years ago and we are still very very happy!

Flyinggeese · 31/10/2017 19:35

Hi OP it doesn't sound like there's anything at all to worry about. This part of a new relationship is so exciting!

Are you both usually in touch every day or is this a normal amount of time to go before hearing from him?

I'd definitely leave the ball in his court and see what happens next. Take it slowly. Enjoy this bit!

luckyDuvet · 31/10/2017 19:35

Don't worry yourself over how other people feel

I think that's pretty good advice actually. I think women spend far too much time overanalysing what men think of them. What will be, will be.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 31/10/2017 19:35

The chemicals released after sex are different for men and women. Women release oxytocin- making them feel loving, bonded and wanting to cuddle. Men have a huge drop in testosterone- making them pull away, feel sleepy and a bit distant.
Hormone levels do restore fairly quickly though.

Sex does change things massively though for both of you. Perhaps you're both feeling a bit insecure and vulnerable, which is normal I think.

beesandknees · 31/10/2017 19:39

Yeah, by "don't worry yourself over how other people feel", I don't mean "you shouldn't care about the feelings of others". I literally mean, do not fret over the emotions that you believe other people are experiencing. You've no control over them, you can't even know whether you're reading their feelings correctly, and at an early stage of a relationship, you don't even know them well enough that they might want to talk about their feelings with you in any detail.

Focus on yourself, follow your own sense of manners and ethics and wait and see how the other person fits in with that.

Don't run around pre emptively trying to be the person that you predict the other person wants you to be
Don't wonder about what the other person is feeling
Just let them exist in your vicinity, let them be who they are, and watch and learn what kind of person they are.

THe last thing any woman needs is a man who requires her to read, predict, interpret and then succor his emotions, without him having to say a word. That way madness lies

Smeaton · 31/10/2017 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/10/2017 19:40

Seems pretty clear to me. He probably thinks he didn’t last long enough or whatever and was reserved because he was worried you’d be disappointed.

You just need to both compliment each other to give each other confidence. Be honest, if you feel like he’s amazing, don’t play games and deliberately not send a text cos you don’t want to seem to keen. Text him, tell him how much you enjoyed yourself and you then open the lines of communication so that he can feel he can say “I thought you might be disappointed because it was short and sweet” or something.

You can’t appear too pushy to someone who’s really into you - they’d be made up. In fact that’s how great relationships start - both being honest, taking a bit of a punt that your feelings are reciprocated and just going for the whole thing. The start of a true love relationship is AMAZING, don’t pussy foot around playing games.

Teddy7878 · 31/10/2017 19:41

I would tell him how you feel as it might make him relax a bit knowing you're really happy. Just put something at the end of the next text you send him along the lines of "you make me really happy btw".
He must be ultra keen if he's wanting to see you so regularly so I wouldn't over analyse things.
My OH went weird after the first time we slept together too and he eventually admitted he really liked me and was scared I was going to hurt him and be disappointed with the sex. Our sex life has always been amazing so he's never had anything to worry about. Think he's just insecure deep down

Booagain · 31/10/2017 19:47

He sounds like my husband!
We had an incredible first date and talked for hours, had amazing sex (still is amazing!) and then for the next few months of dating he retreated a little - we still went out but he was shy. As I got to know him better, I found out he was talking with friends about how he felt and how he didn’t want to mess anything up and was just anxious.
married and 2 kids later - I hope there’s a happy ending for you too ;) xx

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/10/2017 20:05

YES I just remembered! My then boyfriend went quiet and wierd and wouldn’t look at me in the eye when he picked me up to take me out on our first Valentines together (it was exactly our first year anniversary of going out, too)

He acted so withdrawn I actually thought he was going to bin me! Was odd all night and then later back at my flat I found out why - he proposed completely out of the blue and had no idea how I would feel about the idea so was incredibly nervous and anxious.

Been together 20 years now.....

AdalindSchade · 31/10/2017 21:18

I've often heard that men don't attach emotion to sex at all

Oh dear Hmm

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2017 22:14

Sex is not that big a deal really. I think you could be overanalysing & overthinking this

Original poster
Saffron2018 · 01/11/2017 00:26

We've now been in touch again. All is good

OP posts:
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