Shuts me out

[user1499288566]

Has anyone had a relationship where your bf just goes distant after a fight, small texts that don't say much, you ask stuff but he dances round what you ask so you are left not knowing where you really stand , they won't make time to call to clear the air even when you ask them to .they act like you are already over .they work away so without them being willing on the other end of the phone your left hanging studying while they are prob kept busy and not worrying .and I'm left looking after our 4 yr old on top .would you say that's mental abuse ?

If i could we would share a family home , he would come home every night, and general all round loving guy. Instead of a place I rent alone in my name, me dealing with that and our child alone, he just coming weekends and just 100 pound a week towards stuff .it should all be 50 50

Ok, so you are already a single parent.

He isn't going to buy a family home, marry you and be 50:50. You know it in your heart, right?

You need to accept that you are a single parent then get tough for the sake of your child.

He can't just come into your flat at the weekends. He has to get his own place. Cheeky sod using your electricity, sleeping in your bed.

Do a CMS calculator to see how much child maintenance he should be paying? Get every benefit going for yourself as a single parent.

I think I do know hun deep down, just hurts your heart making an official separation, I fear the day he rocks up with someone else, I worry I will care. Pathetic I know

I'm in bits breaking my heart I carnt hold it back anymore, I think my relationship is over, we haven't spoken on phone since he left for work Monday morning. All iv had is texts .for the first time today iv been calling him texting him saying I need to talk, I need to .and he won't, he won't pick up he texts to say he don't want to talk, how can I get my thoughts out there and feelings when he won't talk to me? Right now I don't know if I'm in a relationship or not, it's mentally cruel letting me fester this way what do i do

I sympathise. My DP is the same and it's soul-destroying. I thought I was going crazy. Passive aggressiveness is horrible. No advice really, though. Only you know how much you can take.

He just keeps texting texting I'm sick of it and soooooo frustrated by it, I just want a conversation

When I was 17 my aunt introduced me to her husband's nephew, who took me out while I stayed with them. We were an instant hit. The next summer I arrived and my aunt said she had told him I was visiting and she had never seen anyone so keen. We spoke on the phone, he asked me out, til there, fine. When he arrived that night I could feel right away something was amiss. He just wouldn't talk, didn't say hello, wouldn't talk to me when I asked him. I was gobsmacked. It seems he had had a row at home and was quite happy to let that ruin his date. He stared at this whiskey and I was bored out of my tiny mind. Then I made him laugh and he changed and wanted intimacy. By then I was soooo disappointed I said no. He then totally withdrew and just said " now we go" and got a taxi and sat as far from me as he could, not one word. I have never forgotten him or what happened. I read about passive aggressiveness recently and it was him to a jot. His family were really nasty to him always comparing him unfavorably to his brother. My aunt said he was really nice but it would do him good to move away from his family. Anyone who marries him will be a happy woman my aunt said, why do I doubt that, when he is upset he is a stonewaller. He has two kids nowadays, but am curious to know if still married. My cousin doesnt know.

You are flogging a dead horse.

He doesn't want to hear your thoughts and feelings.

You have no chance of getting him to listen, understand, care and change. None. No chance. Getting those thoughts and feelings into him is not going to happen.

There is one very easy way to know whether you are in a relationship or not. End the relationship yourself.

Recognise what you want. It isn't a conversation you want, it is for him to acknowledge your feelings and change his behaviour. He won't even listen, which is a very strong statement that he will not give you want you want.

Annie & RunRabbit have nailed this.

Stonewalling is abusive as it invalidates you.The payoff for him is that he doesn't need to be honest.He has what he wants so why would he change?

Arguments are ok if they are constructive and allow resolutions..if not you just end up feeling disconnected and will stop caring for him.

Please read The Verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans.It will explain the tactics he is deploying.Once you can name his behaviours it starts to make sense.

Please try not to get angry or text him.Ask him once for a conversation and then leave him to respond.He wants you to get angry as then he can blame you for being crazy and irrational and who needs to speak to a crazy person! It's likely he will use your justifiable anger against you so it just plays into his hands.

You can't change him..My ex grudgingly accepted he was PA and went to counselling which just made him openly aggressive.

He doesn't have a communication issue
Its his faulty thinking, a relationship isn't about being a team or true partnership.For him it's about who is in control, who's agenda dominates, who makes the sacrifices.
Once you realise it's about power and control your eyes will be opened.

I don't know if childhood or society creates these men but its sadly reasonably common, which is why so many women can relate to your experiences.

I know you are all right .He has once again just text to which I haven't replied, I told him I wanted a conversation this morning it's the end of the day, and he still int called just text so I'm not replying anymore and not asking anymore

You are single, but he uses you for a bed on the weekends and doesn't pay maintenance. I'd stop letting him in and seek maintenance.

He pays 100 pound a week but it's still not 50 50

You are already a single parent. There is nothing about your living situation and his behaviour that indicates you are in a relationship.

I think it's the lack of consideration that's hurt. Still haven't spoken to know where I stand. He knows I'm looking after our child and I'm prop stressed. Yet he still don't talk to me. It's so hard just carrying on like normal when your head and heart is so heavy

You do know where you stand. You just don't like it.

You are a single parent living in your own flat, supporting yourself. The father of your child comes round at the weekend and stays in your flat. He gives you £100.

He is not your life partner. He is a bloke taking advantage of you for a warm bed on the cheap. Does he expect sex? Laundry? Dinner?

Of course he doesn't want to talk about your relationship. He knows you don't have one. He knows that if he says it out loud he will lose the cheap warm bed and might have to pay proper child maintenance.

He has said in the past it would only be around 30 pound a week. But that carnt be right

Do you know his gross income? It's 11% of his weekly income reduced for the number of nights he might have your child.

He would have to have a pretty low income for it to be £30 per week.

It varies from week to week it could be 400 to a grand depending on shifts

Dump this sorry excuse for a human and find some dignity woman! You deserve better than this and so does your child.

How do you go on facing them when you are still healing