Retired parents do nothing and their health is suffering

[DeltaG]

My parents, despite being in their 60-70s, are behaving like they are 85 and are driving myself and my sister nuts. We could use some help on how to handle the situation.

For a bit of context, Mum is 67 and Dad recently turned 70. Their health is not brilliant - both have COPD caused by 50+ years of heavy smoking (now stopped). Dad is worse than Mum, but both manage it OK. I am mid-thirties with a 21 month old and 7 months pregnant with DS2. I live in mainland Europe and with my DH. I have a younger sister (33) who is married and lives about 45 mins from my parents.

Parents have never been people for pushing themselves out of their comfort zones and it's always been a battle to get them to do new things. Dh and I visit them 3-4 times a year, but this will reduce when the new baby comes. Getting them out here is a hassle (not logistically, but because of their attitudes to doing anything other than they usually do). Both my sister and I have being trying to encourage them to take up more activities for their own health and sanity but it falls on deaf ears and is becoming increasingly frustrating.

Both DM and DDad have been told by their doctors that they need to keep active but apart from Dad playing bowls, they do nothing. They also do nothing to keep their brains active and spend a lot of time hanging around the house and getting on each others' nerves. Dad drives, Mum doesn't, but they live in a big city so transport isn't an issue.

We are at a loss as to how to get them to do new things. At this rate, we are worried they will just wither away and die through lack of effort and it is so infuriating watching this. When we compare them to my DH's parents and my DSis' in-laws, there is a world of difference. They are all of a similar age and some still work, others part-time, they volunteer, travel, do community activities etc. They are hardly ever in the house, unlike our parents who just sit around/watch crappy TV/go to Tesco.

If anyone can empathise or has some advice, I'd be very grateful to hear it.

It is always so easy to see where other people are going wrong.

Apart from telling them what you are worried about - little else can be done.

Bowls is quite a scene though I hear! Seriously it’s good exercise & good social life.

At this age, the number of years is less relevant than the state of health. You say they are behaving like 85 year olds, but frankly, biologically that is probably closer to the mark.
You've made suggestions in response to their moans, but they haven't taken them up. I think unless they actually ask for your help, you really need to take a step back and let them get on with it. Frustrating and upsetting though that is, they are living with the consequences of lifestyle choices of 50 years ago, and having made unhealthy decisions throughout those years, the chances of them now making major changes are very slim.
Enjoy the time you have with them and accept their way of doing things. You cannot force changes on them, and you will just sour the relationship if you continue to try.

I do wonder if my personal situation has actually in away helped my mother post retirement. She is early 70s. Basically when my wife left my mum offer to help with kids because of the nature of my shifts I work sometimes when can't really get child care. I felt so bad about it as she had just retiered, but i was stuck due to my work and the need to provide a roof over mine and the kids heads. Anyway helping me with the kids has brought a new energy to my mum. She is great with them and so playfull. I know this sounds mad but helping me with the kids seems to have made her younger and more energised. It's amazing to see the way She plays with the kids. Almost as if they spark the inner child in her. She is the best mum and grandma anyone could ever have. Think there may be something in having something to keep you active mentally and physically.

OP, what is their financial situation like? It may be that they are worried about the future even if they have a lot of savings and this may make them less likely to do the things they would like. For example a relative of mine did the post MI / heart surgery gym course - no fee for the first 6 weeks, then it was a small charge. They then stopped going even though I offered to pay. If they are at home 24/7, I would expect their heating bills will be high etc. and they will be looking at the next 20/25 years for your mum (although of course none of us know how long we have) and managing their money quite carefully.

I don't think making comparisons is very helpful. Imagine if your DH told you X earns twice your salary, has 4 beautiful and clever children, gets up at 5am to run / go to the gym to keep in shape, is chair of the ball committee etc.I don't think you would be very happy.

You cannot change your parents way of life in any way. Naturally you are concerned about their health, but as adults their choices are their own to make. It is so frustrating when they moan and complain and it also sucks the joy out of any phone calls and visits. For your own sanity I think you should just listen, without comment when they complain. I think I would reduce the amount of time you spend in their company. It sounds harsh, I know, it the alternative is the constant worry about people who refuse to help themselves.

You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. I would cease with the suggestions to try different things; they do not want to know (probably also due to an innate lack of confidence) and its a waste of breath on your part which leaves you feeling more frustrated. You cannot change then and you can only change how you react to them.

They are who they are and you cannot help or rescue anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved.

I would agree really s about stopping the suggestions. The best you can hope for is that some completely random person - their neighbour's cousin from Canada or a locum practice nurse or something - will make exactly the same suggestions which they will immediately implement and feel much better for, leaving you gnashing your teeth

OP is getting some unhelpfull responses when all she's trying to do is her best. Massive empathy from me as I have parents in their early 80's who have spent the last 15 years doing nothing but watching TV, going to Morrisons and arguing with each other.

Now my father can't get out of his chair due to never even walking into the kitchen if he can help it (definitely a case of use it or lose it). My mother listens to audio books, and does NOTHING else. They live near to a town centre, there is a reasonable bus service to plenty of places so they "could" have made good use of bus passes, but they, I quote, "couldn't be bothered".

I could go on, but haven't time as I need to go for my daily walk - I'm almost 60 and if they've done one thing, they have shown me how I DON'T want my declining years to be