DH who is mostly brilliant but clueless in other ways

[TammyswansonTwo]

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 7. We have a great relationship in almost every way, communicate well and he's a great dad.

The positive things: he works from home and will help out when he can, he loves spending time with the twins, is fine with me having a nap on the weekend if I need it, puts the boys to bed every night, if he's around happily chips in with feeding, nappy changes etc, happily gets up for night feeds / early mornings (we sort of take this on an adhoc basis depending on who wakes up first / who's most knackered).

All sounds great right? I have way more help from him than a lot of mums do and I am massively grateful for that... but it makes me feel completely unreasonable to bring up the things that he does that massively annoy me. To me some of these things are pretty fundamental but I still really struggle to raise them. Here goes:

• he hasn't made a bottle for 10 months. When they were 2.5 months old one was admitted back into hospital and I had to stay with him so husband had the other one at home. He had to do everything for him then including making bottles. Since then, he hasn't made one. We have prescription formula which is a bit of a pain in the arse to make admittedly and he says he doesn't really know what he's doing - wouldn't you want to learn though? I make up all the bottles for the day at night, so he could easily watch / ask questions.

• one is on important medications and he has never once drawn them up. Not once. I have brought this up multiple times to him and said he really needs to learn in case something happens to me. He agrees, watches me do it once and then that's it until the next time I bring it up.

• the same twin needs his blood sugars testing throughout the day. When he was stuck in hospital at two months old he gave this big speech saying if they would just teach him how to test, he would happily test him as often as needed at home. Right. In the 11 months since, he'd probably tested him twice until last week - then I had to go to work on a day he was having an episode and so he had to test him while I was out. He hasn't done it since.

• we've had our washing machine for a year and I swear he doesn't know how to use it.

• he's never taken the twins out on his own, and I've only left him on their own with him when I've had a few work things I can't take them to and medical appointments. I'm going a bit crazy as I never get a break (don't have any family around to help etc)

• he will only do the bare minimum sometimes - e.g. If he is the one to give them breakfast or dinner he won't remember to brush their teeth

• if one of them leaks on their clothes, he will shout for me to find new clothes because he has no idea what will fit them at any one time (nearly died of shock when he found new clothes for one of them while I was in the bathroom recently so maybe that one isn't an issue now!)

They all sound trivial compared to what he does do and generally he's an excellent husband and a hands on dad so I feel like I should let these things go. But some of them are really starting to drive me mad. I've been in a lot of pain this weekend (endometriosis) and he did send me to bed yesterday afternoon for a few hours, but I've had to endure loads of pain making bottles and prepping meds both days because he doesn't know how.

At this stage I can't tell if I'm completely out of order or not. We can talk about anything but feel if I raise this yet again that I'm diminishing everything he does do. And it's not that I'm expecting him to do these things all the time, just be able to do them if the need arises. He does work full time and I work very part time so I'm happy to do all this stuff most of the time, but surely we should both be able to do everything they need when necessary. I can't emphasise enough how brilliant he is with almost everything, but these small issues are starting to really piss me off.

What are your thoughts? Is there any way I can bring this up without undermining everything he actually does do?

One thing that struck me is that you say you 'communicate well' but you have a huge list of things that you seem to resent him for not doing, yet you haven't said anything. Plus, the medication thing you have told him many times but he still refuses to do it. It doesn't sound like the best communication tbh. It is something you can work on but will be easier to start by admitting that the communication in your relationship is not so good and something you both need to address.

You shouldn't have to tell him to make bottles and sort his child's medication though. Do you think anyone would say someone was a fantastic mother if they hadn't made their baby one single bottle in almost a year?! Or hadn't never once sorted their medication, despite it being pointed out to them numerous times.

Also, the all sounds great, right? No, it sounds normal/what is to be expected when you have a young baby, especially twins and especially when one is unwell.

Your expectations seem quite low and maybe that's what is stopping you discussing basic things he should be doing like bottles and washing as you are so 'grateful' to him for doing what is completely normal.

Sorry, I should have said we communicate well about other things - we've been through some really difficult stuff together and have always been able to talk about things, which has saved our marriage on several occasions. For some reason I'm really struggling to raise this stuff though. I realise it sounds like my standards are really low and I'm fully aware that they are just as much his responsibility as mine, but I'm also aware that many women get no help with things that I completely take for granted so I don't want to come across as unreasonable or unaware of all the things he does do. Looking after twins is almost impossible for one person so we've both had to throw ourselves into it and I definitely feel he does that in most areas, there are just a few (I feel quite major) things that he stays out of completely and that really gets to me.

If you've been able to communicate well in the past then you should be able to find a way to get this sorted. Have you asked him why he refuses to do the meds for his son?

Maybe ask yourself why you are 'massively grateful' and don't feel you can bring up something as basic as making bottles. You are right, there are lots of rubbish fathers out there who don't do as much as your DH but it doesn't mean you should lower your expectations to the point that you would do ALL bottles, ALL meds, get clothes for you babies as your DH wouldn't be able to find the size (??? I mean, what? How does he thing you figure out what size clothes fit your children?), doesn't remember to brush their teeth, has NEVER taken them out on their own.
It's really bad that he's never given you a break but actually quite sad that you think he's such a good dad

If you read that someone else's DH had never taken their own kids out would you honestly think they were a half decent father, let alone a great one?

I completely take your point, I really do. When I see it all laid out like that, it seems pretty bad. I guess it hasn't seemed strange that he hasn't taken them out alone as when he's not working we want to spend time together... but I think there is an element of fear there, I find it very stressful being out on my own with them and I've had a lot more practice! Like I say, we really have just been in firefighting mode this past year - weekends have been for getting all the crap done that needs doing rather than going out and doing things (we bought a house a few months ago so there's always things that need to be done). I feel like we are finally coming to a stage where we can get into more of a routine and not just be drowning in the volume of work, and I want to address this so I'm not stuck with these things the rest of the time they're needed.

The clothes thing is ridiculous, I agree. It was slightly more complicated when they were smaller as they were in different sizes so there was a good chance that whatever he grabbed wouldn't fit, but now they wear the same size for almost everything it's really not an issue. But like
I say, he did just get on with it at the weekend so maybe this is no longer an issue now that it's simpler.

I had a very bad childhood and my father and stepfathers were about as far from good fathers as you can get. Maybe that's why I am so grateful for him being as involved as he is. I am not sure if he would be gutted or pissed off if he saw this as I'm sure he feels like he does his fair share. This is really helping me to unpick everything so thank you.

Now I'm really thinking about it, this is what he does vs what I do / we do:

His input:

• Works full time (9-6 M-F, and sometimes evening / weekends)
• takes care of the twins on the rare occasions I go out to work (only 15hrs per month and some of that I can take the twins or work from home)
• takes care of them if I'm going to an appointment
• all the bins and recycling since I can't lift them
• handles all the bills and mortgage (mostly direct debit)
• puts boys to bed every night
• cleaning floors
• occasionally driving us places if he can sneak out of work, or on weekends (I don't drive so it's that, walk or the bus)
• errands like picking up medications from the chemist, running to the supermarket for stuff were running low on etc

My input:

• All childcare during work hours
• bottles
• medication
• blood sugar testing
• laundry
• dishwasher
• most of the cooking
• twins mealtimes M-F
• 90% of the cleaning (he will do some occasionally)
• food shopping (online)
• managing hospital appointments and other appointments

Joint tasks

• feeding / taking care of cats
• nappy changes
• night feeds / wake ups
• early mornings
• bath times
• childcare / feeding at weekends

Given that he does work full time I'm not sure it's really that bad, but maybe I'm deluding myself? I get that many of his tasks aren't daily things. There are very few things that he does that I don't ever do, but quite a few things that I do all the time that he never does if you see what I mean. I do think the bottle thing is the most infuriating but hey, at least I'm not pumping any more as the additional prep and washing up was far worse then! Like I say there have been periods where they've been particularly hard work during the day where he's done all night feeds because I'm so exhausted I couldn't wake up properly, so it's not like he's not happy to do his share, I just don't know why there are certain things he just does not do. Maybe he just sees them as my job, and I'm paranoid about ending up in a situation where it seems like I'm asking / expecting him to do what I should be doing IYSWIM. I'm not good at asking for help or accepting it from others (I don't mean him, just generally) so maybe asking him to do these perfectly reasonable things subconsciously makes me feel like I'm failing.

It sounds like you have had a huge amount going on, kids in hospital and moving house are about as stressful as it gets

You say you find it hard to ask for help - It's not helping YOU though, it's looking after his own DC. Do you feel like you are helping HIM when you make bottles/give your baby his meds?

You had to work out the clothes thing though didn't you? He must be reasonably intelligent to hold a job down, surely he could have sorted babies clothes?!

Taking them out; again you have managed to get on with it and manage even though it's difficult. Yes, it probably will be stressful for him but he's their DAD. I can't imagine my DH literally never taking our children out on his own. Honestly, that is really, really bad. Other than wanting to take them out, he should want to give you a break.

I was going to say the same as you, about the things that you do all the time that he NEVER does. Sometimes it's the mental load more than the practical load that's hard - so you ALWAYS have to think 'are we running out of bottles/have I made enough, worrying about the medication/checking time,dose to give,etc. Thinking about clothes-what size fits who, etc, etc'

It's possibly the resentment that he never does these thing that is hard to deal with. I'm guessing you would be happy to do most of the bottles, most of the washing, etc if he at least helped you some of the time.

Hopefully, you will find a way to discuss with him and make him aware of how it makes you feel that he chooses never to do these tasks.

From an outside perspective, it does sound as though you do quite a bit more. However, it's not necessarily who does the most, it's about finding a way to work together and manage in a way that works for you both so you don't end up with one person struggling.

It sounds like you do almost all the things that your DC need - food, bottles, clothes, meds, taking them out, making sure their teeth are brushed as he 'forgets' (would he forget to brush his own teeth?!). That's a huge mental responsibility and no wonder you feel stressed.

I don't think he's terrible but I'm struck by what you have left off the list which is the developmental aspects of childcare (interacting, singing, chatting in Motherese which is tiring) the planning and the thinking. Eg grocery shopping involves thinking of the whole family's health and sanitation needs, thinking ahead several days. Plus also relationship stuff which you do because of benefits to the children, eg facilitating grandparent visits, making contact with other parents, biscuits for the twin club. To be fair you've also left off any thinking and planning he has to do for his work.

Thank you, you're absolutely right about all of it. Honestly I never really thought about the fact that he's never taken them out on his own (he's taken one to appointments a couple of times). Now I think about it that isn't good - he needs to get used to it before they're running off in opposite directions!

I think it is just the fact that I feel like the only one who can do a handful of essential things and that adds a huge amount of pressure to my shoulders. It also means he doesn't understand what it's like for me because when he's with them he's just spending time with them, not doing all the other crap I have to do, and if I do have to leave them alone I have to make sure that all the crucial things are done or I worry.

It has been a really hard year and we have just been treading water I think. Now we are settled and they're getting older I think we really need to sit down and look at what's working and what isn't. Honestly it wouldn't bother me if he hardly ever did those things if I knew he could and the pressure was off me a bit.

Annandale you're absolutely right, this occurred to me afterwards. All of the interaction I lumped into childcare, since I consider those things a crucial part of taking care of them, but there are so many other things - like you say, planning meals, making plans in general, scheduling things, keeping track of what clothes and equipment they need, getting rid of old stuff they've outgrown, researching purchases, researching symptoms / health issues, researching approaches to issues that come up... this is all me.

Of course his job involves a lot of mental work too.

I don't want to pile on, but I am really having trouble with the idea of a man who doesn't make up bottles or medication for his children or reliably dress them or manage their basic hygiene as a "fantastic hands-on dad".

Yes, there are some truly spectacularly shit dads out there and the bar for fatherhood in society is set so low that it would be hilarious if it weren't so painful, but I don't think that should or can stop us from expecting that men are capable of performing all basic care tasks for their children if they want to be thought of as good, never mind fantastic, dads. I don't think he gets that cookie until he has demonstrated that he can care for them capably, and meet all of their basic needs, for, say, an entire weekend. And preferably not one you come back from to discover a shit tip of a house and that they have lived entirely off McDonalds since you left - in other words, one where he could have kept it up perfectly healthily as their routine rather than a "just cope until Mummy's back" scenario. If, God forbid, I died, I would have no worries about my DH's raising of my son, and I think that should be true for every dad.

PPs have pointed out your low expectations here and your struggles around vocalising this. I would suggest raising this with him and saying that you need him to start being able to handle all of their care, when needed, without support. Maybe try planning and working towards a weekend away for you, one where you can go away secure in the knowledge that he will care for them capably until you're back. That might look like time for you to go out by yourself on a weekend, say 3 hours at first and building up from there.

This is where I struggle because he is fantastic with the things he does do, but there are these glaring holes in what he does. And lets face it, he's perfectly capable of doing it if he wants to. So why doesn't he? That's what I'm struggling with and what I need to ask him.

He isn’t doing it because he doesn’t wish to and knows you will do it.

He may even regard it all as your job.

He is perfectly competent.

Pathetic of him not to share vital aspects of parenting such as feeding and meeting medical needs.

Enabling it was a bad plan: change the setup.

It may well be as simple as: he's never had to. Most of us, if we're honest with ourselves, avoid doing lots of things purely because we can, because we've never faced significant consequences for not doing it and/or someone else has always picked up the slack for us. You've described him as being fantastic at the "Disney dad" aspects of having fun with the kids, which is great, but it's no substitute for good, dependable, everyday basic care.

I think I have a pretty even distribution of household tasks and emotional labour chez Cupcake, but I admit that there are some areas of emotional labour/planning for our child that I "own". I'm OK with that, actually, because I think the overall split is still fairly even, including emotional labour, and there are significant bits of our shared life that DH totally owns, including emotional and mental labour. I think it IS difficult, maybe even impractical, to COMPLETELY share the emotional and mental labour involved with kids, because you would have to negotiate and discuss and agree every aspect - but both partners should absolutely be competent in basic care, and should be able to parent solo in a capable and sustainable way should the other one be unexpectedly hit by a bus.

I completely agree with you. Completely, hence my annoyance. Like I say, it's not even that I want him to do these things on a regular basis, I just feel the pressure of being the only one who knows what they're doing with it. We have literally no outside support so it's just been the two of us and we have muddled along trying to get through the last year as best we can. I'm sure he has similar gripes with me, I probably have blind spots too. I think we just need to sit down and talk it out. Hoping that's all it takes because I know he isn't lazy or a shirker in general, I think anxiety is behind a lot of it (although I don't believe for a second that he's anxious about laundry!)