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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse

26 replies

Babby123 · 29/10/2017 21:19

I have to keep it fairly short but I'm pretty sure it is abuse.

Started years ago. We've been married ten years with kids. Main examples are checking messages, interrogating, sulking, not letting me sleep when I need to/ waking me to ask questions, accusations of affairs with no basis in reality. Name calling eg bitch, moron, idiot. If I disagree with his view I'm a looser, an idiot and I get told to fuck off.
Mood swings are rapid so I'm never sure whether it's Jekyll or Hyde I'll get. My stomach churns constantly and I'm anxious and get tearful. He's intelligent, charming and very very well liked. He hates my family and has been so rude to them ( them only) and so he's iscolated me geographically and socially from them. I feel like a shadow of my old self. I don't know how to move forward. I keep hoping he'll change. Can he? When he's nice all sign of previous nastiness goes away. But it always comes back. He has a look on his face and I know it's going to kick off again. Almost a sneering look of pleasure. Need to do something as I'm becoming ill now

OP posts:
Original poster
Babby123 · 29/10/2017 21:27

Not really sure what I'm posting for. Just don't want to be alone with this anymore. I've kept it well hidden for so long. Just a bit of support, anything would be gratefully received x

OP posts:
Runlovingmummy81 · 29/10/2017 21:30

Give women's aid a call. They are really helpful. Start getting your finances in order. Set up a new bank account and email address and make plans to escape.

Mumof41987 · 29/10/2017 21:31

Ltb

Runlovingmummy81 · 29/10/2017 21:31

He won't change as in his eyes he won't be doing anything wrong. It's all your fault. You make him like this.

Have a look at narcissists and their behaviour traits.

Sounds to me like you've had a light bulb moment and you realise it not right. That's the first step. Be strong.

Original poster
Babby123 · 29/10/2017 21:38

Thanks for advice. Yes that's exactly what he does Runlovingmummy81. It's always me that ends up apologising because I'm such a depressive, I'm boring, I pursue the wrong hobbies ( which I've now given up). He used to be very cruel to me about me not contributing when the children were babies. Now I work full time he is still just as nasty and refuses to help most of the week . He does nothing in the house. Works long hours but if something comes up that he wants to do he can miraculously get out of work . Would the abuse part make any difference in a divorce?

OP posts:
Runlovingmummy81 · 29/10/2017 21:45

Not in my experience. I divorced my ex on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. Prepare for it to be hard going though. Mine took over a year and we ended up in court over the kids too. He's gaslighting you.

Original poster
Babby123 · 29/10/2017 21:47

Do you mean pretending I'm in the wrong?

OP posts:
Runlovingmummy81 · 29/10/2017 21:52

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief. Sound familiar?

Original poster
Babby123 · 29/10/2017 21:58

Yes very much so. I often start to think it must be hard for him to live with my worrying and anxiety . Then he says " say sorry " repeatedly until I say "sorry".

OP posts:
Runlovingmummy81 · 29/10/2017 22:02

This is classic emotional abuse. You are better than this. He needs you more than you need him. You are better off without him. So are your children.

greenberet · 29/10/2017 22:10

Babby it is definitely not you - the bit that got me - he says say sorry repeatedly until I say sorry - he will be causing your anxiety - your stomach churning- it is abuse no doubt - he is probably narcisstic - the charming and very very well liked - but deep down he despises himself - I'm going to try and find some links for you to read - how are your dcs?
You sound like you need a hug - the divorce will probably be difficult - he will most likely want to make you suffer _ you will need RL support - can you reconnect with your family. Women's aid is a good place to start

Sorry op you have been living like this - these men are bastards x

longingforalife · 29/10/2017 22:12

Babby
Yup
sounds like emotional abuse to me.
Mine kept on doing it. Wouldn't take on board that his behaviour was unjustified. Nearly divorced (still in same house til it sells) after final straw 13 months ago. Has lost his power so is much less unpleasant and seldom in same room. Still says that basically my behaviour drove him to itHmm
I also say to ring Women's Aid - there is a great forum on their website.
You don't have to put up with being treated like shit.

moonmaker · 29/10/2017 22:19

He sounds like a classic narcissist to me- read up on narc behaviour and traits . They don't change and you need to set yourself free .

Original poster
Babby123 · 30/10/2017 08:23

Thanks so much All. Your kind words made me cry. It's such an effort having to put on a brave face to the outside world when I feel like I'm crumbling. I can hardly believe there might be a better life out there for me. I'm nervous of being alone and making decisions again. He's done everything. Even if I bought an ornament he didn't like he'd move it or bin it so I never get anything without asking if he's ok with it.

OP posts:
longingforalife · 30/10/2017 21:54

Tosser.
He has really done a number on you.

Just imagine feeling brave and free and making your own decisions. You can. And you will.

Hardest one is bringing yourself to the point of no return. Keep posting, listening, researching, reaching out to Women's Aid, local support services, a solicitor, for advice and support.

I also suggest you try to start talking about this to someone who cares about you in Real Life too.

juwayriyyah31 · 30/10/2017 22:04

Sounds like he has mental health issues

GsbMaxi · 16/11/2017 13:27

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Our situations sound almost identical, my OH started his "rages" about 6 months after we were married and it has gotten progressively worse through the years, which is almost 9 now. He name calls, screams, throws things, breaks things, has cheated.. you name it. He is controlling and will tell me how disgusting I am if I haven't worked out, if I wear certain clothes, etc.

I am seeing a lawyer just today. What made me snap was a couple weeks ago when he used my ds (5yo) and told him to tell me I was a "fucking cunt" and ds stood up to him to say stop saying bad words and yelling at mommy.

It is going to be a long road for us both, and these men are exactly like jekyll and hyde. Sweet and loving one minute, calling us stupid idiots the next. It's a nightmare come true.

I wish you luck and will watch this thread! I have one going with nearly the same discussion, it's unbelievable how many of us are going through this nonsense

CousinKrispy · 16/11/2017 14:22

You aren't alone. I am going through this at the moment too (but mine is milder I will say). Good luck to both OP and GsbMaxi and keep working towards getting free. It has taken me ages but it helped a lot to have some friends and family I turned to secretly for encouragement--make sure he can't snoop on your communications though.

SandyY2K · 16/11/2017 14:50

What made me snap was a couple weeks ago when he used my ds (5yo) and told him to tell me I was a "fucking cunt" and ds stood up to him to say stop saying bad words and yelling at mommy.

That's horrendous. Thank God you're leaving this nasty man. Your poor DS has lived this all his life.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 16/11/2017 14:54

They really don't change. I left my prick and the sun hasn't stopped shining since.
To lose that deadweight is bliss

pudding21 · 16/11/2017 15:31

OP: you are int he first stages of acknowledging the man you love and care about is indeed emotionally abusing you. i was you, almost everything you have said rings a bell with me. Once I came into our lounge and noticed one of my things was burning in the fire. It was a wooden print stamp that my sister bought me. It had been in the cupboard as we had nowhere to put it at the time, but I wasn't intending to throw it away.......

If you feel anxious, like you are walking around on eggshells you know it isn't good for you or your children to be in that enviroment. My ex was also nice at times but they got fewer and far between.

It took me three years after I first realised our relationships was "wrong" to leave. I just had an offer accepted on a new house today, 9 months later (I have been renting with the kids, he has them every week for overnights). I have finally got to a stage after 21 years I can make my own autonomous decisions and you know what.......its a wonderful thing.

I am not saying it will be easy, it won't, but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere. Good luck.

DJBaggySmalls · 16/11/2017 15:37

Prisoners have more rights than he gives you. Call Womens Aid, this isnt a marriage and he's training your kids as well as you.

Eolian · 16/11/2017 15:39

What a nasty, abusive scumbag. He sounds like he thinks he is so superior. I hope he gets a nasty shock when you kick him to the kerb, OP. You deserve much better.