Did something wrong happen?

[TryingToUnderstandItNow]

Name changed.

About 18 months ago, my DH had an affair and we separated. I was completely broken.

Not long after this, a good friend had a birthday party. At the party, someone in our friendship group who I’ve know for many years was being a bit flirty. This had never happened before, but I thought that he was just being kind because he knew how low I felt and how badly my self esteem had been affected and I flirted back. We all got drunk, had a good time and at the end of the night, a couple of us went back to stay at flirty friend’s house, as arranged beforehand.

I went straight to bed in a guest room. I was really drunk and tired and just wanted to sleep. I fell asleep fully clothed, all I’d taken off was my shoes. I woke to find him in the room, pulling down my tights and pants. I asked him, “What the fuck are you doing?!”. He said, “I’m shagging you”. I was so drunk, that I couldn’t even lift my head off the pillow. He had sex with me. I didn’t make a noise because his children and our other friend were in the bedrooms next door. I couldn’t believe it was happening.

The next morning, he just behaved as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened and I went home feeling confused.

I confronted him about it a week or so afterwards. He laughed and told me that it didn’t happen like that. I know it did though.

We went on to have a relationship for about eight months, during which we had consensual sex. He was very controlling and manipulative during the relationship and it ended badly, with him telling lies and causing huge rifts in our friendship group.

I acknowledge that it was a bad relationship and I’m glad it’s over now, but I am still struggling to process that initial night. I am full of rage that he just decided that he was going to have sex with me and then did it. How fucking dare he? I don’t want to stir anything up again. The whole business was awful and I’m so relieved to be moving on from it, but I can’t stop thinking about this. I don’t know really what I’m asking. I think I just wanted to say what happened ‘out loud’. I know if I were to tell any of our friends what happened, he would just laugh it off, like he did with me.

He raped you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're well rid of him now. Focus on processing what happened, rebuilding yourself and your life and avoid relationships until you're in a strong place again.

Yes he did rape you

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I hope you find closure.

Similar things have happened to me with different men. Why do we brush it under the carpet so? I just think a whole generation of women seems to have been conditioned to let men have their way and for them to expect it.

I feel so sad.

Yes he raped you. So sorry OP.

It was rape OP. I'm so sorry that happened to you

It can be a very hard word to hear. Are you OK?

You had a relationship with a man who had raped you?

Lots of women are in relationships with men who rape them Undercover

What's your point?

Yes Undercoverbanana. I was in a very bad place emotionally and after I confronted him about it, I felt silly and embarrassed. I’d known him for a long time and I trusted him. His own wife also had an affair and he was the only person I knew directly who had experienced infidelity in their marriage. It felt like a relief to be able to talk to someone about it who really understood, without having to find the right words to explain myself. He was kind to me in the beginning.

Genghis - I was asking for clarity. OP wanted to talk it out. I wanted to clarify the nature of that relationship as, to my mind, it must have been dysfunctional and psychologically damaging. I may be very wrong - that's why I thought it might help the OP to examine that situation.

I have read before about women who are raped who subsequently have consensual sex with the same person. It is about normalizing what happened.

OP you might want to phone Rape Crisis to get advice. So sorry this happened.

I acknowledged in my opening post that it was a bad relationship Undercoverbanana. I’m ok with that. Well, as ok as we ever are coming out of bad relationships and I’m moving on from it in a healthy way. Does it change what happened the first night though? Your questioning of it makes me think that maybe I’m wrong then and it’s normal.

You are NOT wrong and it is NOT normal. It's up to you what you do about it. I suggest you talk to a professional if you'd like to get some reassurance. It's a difficult one when you realise you've been raped and it's not what you expected. We're so used to thinking rape is about obvious violence and a stranger etc.

It changes nothing at all, OP, and I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. What a nasty, manipulative man he is.

I hope you are able to find support to help you deal with this. I second contacting Rape Crisis.

Sending you lots of hugs. I think a lot of the stuff in the news recently has brought up lots of things for a lot of women, and many people still do not understand that sexual assaults and rapes aren't always clear to the victim or the perpetrator at the time.

When I was 20 I was assaulted and / or raped by four sexual partners in a row. After I was raped by the second guy, I started to accept and believe that this is just how most sexual relationships were. It became so normalised to me that I ended up engaged to the first guy who came along that didn't assault me. I honestly thought it was my only chance to be with someone who respected me, even though we weren't really in love.

I'm now happily married to someone else - we've had our problems but he would never treat me this way. I've only just told him about all this as it's taken me a long time to really accept what happened to me. I know those guys didn't see what they were doing as assault, they just thought they'd got away with something, no harm done. It's horrific.

So glad you're out of it. Hugs to you x

The cultural 'idea' of rape is so different to its reality that it's often only in retrospect that we realise why what happened felt so wrong. to everyone who's had to make that realisation.

Thank you for replying. It feels such a relief to ‘hear’ someone ‘saying’ the way I’ve been thinking and feeling.

Meant thank you to everyone who’s replied.

I'm so sorry that happened to you OP It is good that you are working through how you feel, it will be hard and painful but ultimately it will help you in the future, and your post may help others who are struggling with similar situations.

I was raped by my boyfriend as a teen after a drink and drugs fuelled party, I woke up sore and asked if we had had sex as I couldn't remember getting home, he confirmed that we had, and that he and a friend had carried me home unconscious. I stayed with him for years afterwards, it is only now with hindsight that I realised that he raped me. I'm still coming to terms with it myself, there is an assumption (that I also held as a younger woman) that rape happens when a stranger corners you in a dark alleyway, the more insidious and probably more common rape within relationships or at the hands of men who you know is brushed under the carpet.

It wasn't our fault that we were raped, and it isn't your fault that you continued to see him. Our society has a lot to answer for, so many women are walking around everyday having been raped, and not realising it. I do think we need to talk about it and raise awareness, and support the other women who have had to experience such a horrific violation.