What would you do?

[Finla]

We've been married nearly 2 years. I have a DS from previous relationship (5), we have a new DD (7months)

Always had a fiery relationship and been a couple that do argue but we've always had passion. We've always gravitated towards each other but since the baby has been born we have grown apart. He has given me no help with the house or baby care, not one night feed or helpful load of washing. It's worse than that with no affection to speak of, no kisses or cuddles. We have dtd twice but not in an affectionate way, more a quickie kind of way instigated once by him and once by me.

He says he is fed up of me moaning all the time which I can kind of understand but I'm only moaning because I don't feel cared for at all and I feel lonely and trapped. The final straw has come recently where in an argument he has said three things:

1. You need to accept your job this year I.e mat leave is for looking after the baby, plus him, plus all the housework and cooking (he does do the garden)

1. Does it feel like I love you anymore? Does it feel like I want to be with you. This was screamed at me

yesterday.

1. I'm paying for you to have a year off. This is really quite laughable as I have an excellent job, have supported him in the past and have saved up enough money to support myself and pay my car etc while I'm off work. I've paid for a holiday next summer and still but the food etc. It hurt though as being independent with money has always been important to me.

Anyway... I'm not upset, I'm just very very deflated. I can't talk to him as he will never consider my point of view and as he's basically said that he doesn't love me anymore, am I being a complete doormat by just staying?!

I'm not a doormat, I'm a really independent woman but the birth of my second child knocked me about a bit physically and also the thought of leaving and then having to pass her around when she's so young makes me feel physically sick.

He suffers with anxiety and depression which doesn't help. It's odd behaviour as we have an amazing winter holiday planned which he booked and yet it's like he can't stand me. Go figure. I'm totally at a loss of what to do.

What would you do?

I would be looking for the other woman.

Take care of yourself and build your strength and independence.

I wouldn’t put up with being treated like that. I certainly wouldn’t be doing a damn thing for him anymore. Only you know if your marriage is worth it, but if you stay with him then he needs to start acting reasonably and not like a tantrum-throwing child.

I was you. I'm so sorry. Its an awful time.

Please go to Women's Aid and please read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

He's controlling you with his temper and he's making sure you can't take care of yourself by keeping you out of sorts.

Pm me if you want.

I would be making sure that this attitude that he was “paying for me to have a year off” was squashed immediately. The cheek of him!! I wouldn’t end it at this point until I was sure we couldn’t work things out but his attitude is abysmal.

He's paying for you to have a year off?

That's excellent news, it means you can put all that money you saved into the bank for when you leave. Change all the house related debits to his name, and inform him how much you'll need for the car etc to be paid in to your account, and when.

Secondly, ask him to look at the definition of maternity leave. Because it isn't called 'maternity housework and spouse care leave' for a reason.

You're caring for a young baby which is just as much of a full time job as going out to work. After that, it's all equal - good partners split the work (cleaning, cooking, admin etc) based on what makes life easier for everybody. Not just what makes life sweet for the giant screeching man-baby.

Fuck him - what an arsehole.

Maternity leave is pay to care for your baby, not to become his personal maid and chef. Looking after a newborn is harder work than any bloody job. My last job was exhausting, insanely long hours and very demanding and it was nothing compared to looking after my twins.

My husband is far from perfect but there's no way he expects me to be his bloody maid, and there was no way he was getting out of night feeds and changes either.

He needs a massive kick up the arse.