I don't think I take much more of this and I'm scared of the alternative

[lostspirit]

My DH suffers from depression and although not currently on medication, he seems to be falling into some sort of dark pit of despair. I try to be sympathetic and understand when he's feeling bad but quite frankly, we don't seem to be able to communicate any more without bickering or arguing. I often get accused of having "spoken to him in a bad way" and showing him a total lack of respect.

He's always been very sensitive and I found that out not long after we met. He's a kind and loving man most of the time and when we 1st met, I had no idea of what he'd been through in the past and that he was suffering from depression. He hid it well with his sunny personality and joker style. I also used to very outgoing and a happy person but for the last two years at least, I've begun to feel repressed and low when in his company. I no longer look forward to weekends off together which is terrible as he's trying to find a job, which gives him the weekends free to be with his family.

The poor atmosphere between us spoiled our holiday last month and ds didn't help with his pre-teen mood swings (and he is a prime cause of a lot of the arguments we have). I found myself basically agreeing to everything dh suggested we do so as to avoid bickering. Even then, we had a massive row one night because we went out to dinner with family and I left him to look after dd who was demanding attention and he never got a look in on the conversation. That's his version - mine is that he chose to sit with dd and he couldn't control her and I didn't want to interfere and make him look incapable in front of everyone.

Last weekend, I had a girlfriend over whilst DH was at work and we took our dd's out. For the 1st time in ages, I felt alive and free to behave like the old me. We were dancing in the park and basically being silly. like DH and I used to. However, that evening it all turned to despair as once again we rowed (over a disagreement about ds's behaviour when I was accused of being too harsh with him). The row blew up totally and I ended up saying that as ds and DH were joined at the hip, why didn't the pair of them leave as I'd be far happier bringing dd into a happy environment, as opposed to one filled with bad vibes, rows and tears. We had a really shitty row, which went on for ages with lots of tears and nasty words exchanged. The upshot was that we finally agreed that we didn't want to part as we do love each other and the good times are good. He explained that his past relationship experiences meant he'd never allow himself to be walked over or to be made unhappy at the hand of another person. He didn't want to be single again, but if that meant he escaped the unhappiness he feels at the moment, then he would. We made up and for a few days things were better although there was still an atmosphere understandably.

Anyway, on Saturday night, we ended up having another minor argument and when we went to bed, I tried to initiate sex and was rejected. I turned over to go to sleep and then 10 minutes later I get a "nice to see you're happy to go to sleep on a bad atmosphere" comment. We ended up talking till 2 in the morning with both of us crying. Him saying how depressed he is, wants to quit work etc etc. I didn’t dare say how unhappy I was for fear of being accused of not understanding him. He accuses me of twisting things he says to make everything that happens his fault.

I really don't think I can take this for much longer. We've only been married four years and I can't face the next 40 years living like this. I love him dearly and when things are good, they're great but this constant underlying atmosphere and self-pity that he seems to have is pushing me to breaking point. I told him that he seems to seek the hidden (non-existent) double meaning in everything I say and he just retorted with "that's coz I expect you to be getting at me the whole time"

I think I'm in a no-win situation but I really want to help him to return to his old self rather than abandon him to what he's become.

I don't have a lot of experience in this, but I do think that you won't be able to turn himself back into the old him. I think he will have to do it, either through therapy, medication or group work. If work are being good to him, then keep the job and see if there are any work related health benefits you can use to get help. You can't work this out on your own and for the sake of the family, you must try to get DH to get help. I am also sure there must be support groups for family of depressives and your GP or health visitor might have a number. Once you and dh have an action plan to help his condition, at least you have something you are both working towards. good luck

Poor you, I know exactly what you are going through. Everything you've said reminds me of what I used to go through with my husband. He sounds very badly depressed and I think now you have to be cruel to be kind. He does need to see a doctor for some ad's or to see a therapist because this is not a problem with you, it's with him. You could bring it all home to him and said 'ok, here's the bottom line. If you don't get help I have to leave with the kids.'

My husband was just like that and I got the hidden meanings and I think that people with a bad past (like my dh's) tend to second guess everything as a way to protect themselves. That doesn't excuse it at all and you have to be strong and tell him how you are feeling because unless he sees what he is doing he will just keep on acting like this, and you will find yourself getting depressed. I know it must be difficult for him not being able to find a job, but he has to be shown that it is not your fault that that is the case and while it's ok for him to be upset over the lack of a job, it is not ok for him to take it out on you. Sometimes people like your husband act the way they do to their spouse becuae it feels safe, because they don't think that you are going anywhere so they can take their problems out on you. You have to tell him that that is not ok and you are not responsible for his feelings.

I am sure you fell like you are treading on eggshells, but don't try and do what I used to do and say sorry just for an easy end to the argument because that just justifies his actions in his mind (don't know if you do things like that but it sounds bery similar to my past situation!).

My husband didn't go down the ad's road, (I did) but he did change and that was because I just got stronger. I came to a point where I thought 'what do I have to lose' because I wasn't bothered about me leaving because it got so bad, and I think that's when I started just saying what I thought. Just remember, you can't help him to return to his own self - only he can do that.

Oh lostspirit. Do you know what is at the root of his depression? Elements of your post do sound familiar. Normal interaction becomes you 'getting at him' which is frustrating for you, and doesn't help him.

Sometimes I find a 3rd party can help - a friend or a brother or someone - just to say 'no,actually this is unreasonable behaviour, she wasn't getting at you, it's not unreasonable to ask what you want for tea for example'. Talking to other people definitely helps I think - keeps things in perspective

If the depression really is a serious problem, would he consider counselling? Or could you have 'counselling' sessions, where you detach from being his wife, and become a confidante? Then it is not personal to you, and would not turn into a row. Especially if you set a time - say 'for the next half hour you are going to talk to me as if I were a professional counsellor' and try and work through some problems without the emotions getting in the way.

I'm really sorry you're having such a bad time.

You poor thing. You are right, you need to deal with this now or it will blight your life. I have some experience of this with my father, who has been very badly depressed for several years. He was always a very imposing personality, great fun in a good mood and awful in a bad one - my mother has tiptoed around him for most of their marriage and now that the depression has taken him over he is awful to her, never a nice thing to say about or to her and after 40 years of marriage she is terribly unhappy, but feels she cannot leave him because he is ill (apart from the depression).

Depression makes people very very self-centred, I think. They cannot help it. They aren't able to see beyond their own unhappiness, and they see even (especially?) their nearest and dearest as part of the problem. In my dad's case, he quite openly resents my mum for her health and blames her for every little thing that goes wrong. Your dh won't hear your unhappiness until he deals with his own. It sounds like at least he recognises there is a problem, which is a good start. It might mean he is amenable to the idea of getting help - see your GP for a start. If you think he's likely to put on a front for the GP (my dad does this), then see him/her yourself first to explain the situation and the effect it is having on you.

You sound very supportive and I am sure that with the right help he can come through this, but he must realise at some point that you have needs and feelings and rights too. Don't walk on eggshells to the point that you lose yourself - that will do none of you any favours.

If you ever want to talk, then find me through contact another talker.

Thank you all so much for your messages. I can't post for long now as I have to go out to a meeting but I just wanted to say that I don't mean to make him out to be an ogre or anything. He's never agressive in a physical way. However, when he's low, he's at rock bottom and he doesn't seem to be able to see clearly or think rationally about things. We have a row and then I end up thinking so carefully before I open my mouth in case he reads the wrong thing into what I'm saying.

I'm no Angel. I'm loud and feisty. I have a low patience threshold and particularly where ds is concerned I end up shouting all too easily. Whilst I've always been quick to bite, I've not been as bad as I am lately. I think I'm just fed up with it all and I can't be the mum or wife I want to be.

He is a really lovely person and I feel I'm letting him down by feeling so helpless about it all. He does so much for us all. He's brilliant with he kids, although he does get impatient when stressed, but often it's him that takes over from me when the going gets tough.

I just can't stand the feeling of being criticised constantly but when I challenge him on this, he says he doesn't do it.

I really don't know what to do. When I told him to leave and we made it up, I suggested mediation and he refused because he says he knows what the problems are. After the last row on Saturday, he told me that he knows it's not all me and he adores me and knows I'm a great wife and mum. But next week, something at work will upset him and he'll be morose all week.

He wont go back onto a.ds and says counselling doesn't work.

I have to go now but please keep posting with your advice.

Thankyou.

lostspirit, I used to be like your dh years ago, I was so damaged by my past that at times I would be in agony, and couldn't explain. The picking an argument thing is a huge cry for help. The only things that changed all that for me were 1, psychotherapy...NOT counselling but proper psychotherapy. I didn't want someone to say 'there, there', I wanted someone trained to help me unravel the roots of the damage that was eating away at me.
2, my dh who used to hold me all night when I cried, even when he didn't understand and when I was too cut up to even speak a word. I once asked him why he stuck with me and he said because I had a heart of gold and that he could see the lovely person inside who would come out when I got over my past. I said, what if I never get better, and he said, 'We will learn to live with it.' I hung on to those words many many times when I thought I was too injured to go on.

A few years down the line, I am now the strong one while my dh is having a breakdown. He asks me why I love him even though he has done things, as a result of his stress, that have hurt me.

I remind him of the words he said to me then. If not for him, I wouldn't be able to be here supporting him now. I would have fallen apart long ago.

If you love each other, try to hang in there and get him some proper therapy. Be patient - you know this is not the real person but a very bruised and battered version. Don't give up on him - help him find himself again. Good luck.