Struggling with my ex's possible abuse

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

My ex husband was vile. But whenever I read the ‘classic’ signs of abuse he doesn’t fit any of them. He was never violent, or told me what to wear or put me down. But for the 6 years we were married he made me feel that my needs and wants were completely irrelevant to him. I was never scared of him, until after we split up.

The day DS2 was born (after a crash section after I’d planned a home birth) I was in tears in hospital, the midwife offered to find me a private room so that exH could come back in to spend the night, when I phoned him he refused to come in saying he was tired and going to bed. I begged him to come in and he wouldn’t. I have a million examples of this behaviour.

It’s continued after we split up, I have MH problems and he’s used them against me, tried to make out I’m an unfit parent, contacted SS about it etc even though I have full custody of our 2 boys (aged 7 and 5). He’s never even tried to get custody, but just tried to scare me and unsettle me. I’m not scared of him being physically violent but I’m scared of what he’s going to try next with regards to the children. He uses them to get at me, DS1 has told me ‘daddy says nasty things about you’.

He’s living in a 3 bedroom, rent and mortgage-free property on his own (former matrimonial Home) whilst me and his children rent a 2 bedroom flat. Court proceedings have been going on for 2 years now trying to get him to provide for his children.

But when I read of the physical and mental abuse some people go through I feel like a fraud. I was never in danger from him, yet by the time I told him to leave I was on the verge of a total breakdown. It’s so hard to explain because to an outsider he was the perfect husband and father.

I don’t really know why I started this thread, I guess I want some validation that abuse takes many forms and that the ‘checklist’ isn’t the only way it shows itself.

*[Message from MNHQ: We've edited the title of this thread at the OP's request]

I’ll get screamed at I know, but people can be nasty arseholes without being abusive.

Absolutely. Any relationship that makes you feel that badly is immensely damaging, and one you should escape. So well done for all you've done so far.

Bad mouthing you to the children is emotionally abusive of them. As are pointless SS referrals. Poor kids.

Where are you with the financial remedy proceedings?

How do you differentiate the two, Agatha?

Read how does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and look at the water torturer. It’s a recognised type.

Of course that's abuse, don't question yourself.

Your partner does not have to be actively "abusive" for a relationship to falter. They can be just unpleasant and selfish, or the two people can be incompatible. Good grounds not to waste your whole life on them.

MrsBertBibby

I will find out this week whether the consent order can be signed off next week or if we have to go back to court again.** He’s agreed the on the amount he’ll hand over but is insisting that the settlement money goes in Trust for the children. His legal team drafted the trust document which basically said he and his brother were trustees, I had to get their consent to buy anywhere, or get their consent if I meet someone and want to jointly buy anywhere. And they can call in the money from the trust at any time. And add other beneficiaries if they want to. And I’m responsible for any running costs or tax bills that arise. Obviously there'll be a cold day in hell before I accept such terms.

My legal team have drafted a different trust document which is much simpler and basically makes me and exH the trustees.* His legal team is making ‘appropriate amendments’ and I’m waiting to see what they are. It’s listed for a 5 minute mention on 8th November but we HAVE to agree on terms before them.*

Sorry, don’t know why that all went in bold.

I guess I don’t really know where to go to get help in processing this relationship, various professionals have said he was abusive, who know far more information than I’ve put on here, but as I said, I feel like a fraud, and when I read about the Freedom Program or Women’s Aid I don’t really feel it’s applicable to me.

Why the he'll are the funds in trust at all? It's your share of the Family home. Why are you agreeing to this utter nonsense?

That is financial abuse, plain and simple.

He is abusive. End of. Wake up!

Do not agree to it going in trust!!! It’s your share, not just for the DC - YOU need housing as well. Do not share anything with Home such as trusteeship he will continue the abuse through it. You need a clean break settlement end of.

Have your lawyers even broached the tax implications of a trust arrangement?

Nonsense on bloody stilts.

I don’t have a choice about the trust. In theory I don’t disagree with it because I just want to get this over with so I can get a house for me and the boys. He and his family will throw endless money at solicitors (he brought a barrister to the first hearing) to ensure not one penny goes to ME. If I don’t agree to a trust this will drag on and on. It’s cost him over £40k in legal fees already and we’re talking about a settlement figure of £155k.

He inherited the house (which was a completely wreck and we renovated it) and he never lived in it before we all moved in but he sees it as HIS house and therefore I’m not entitled to anything.

If I had endless funds and energy I’d fight the trust but I don’t.

The first offer his solicitor made was that ex’s parents would lend me £100k for a deposit for a house but I had to pay it back if I:
(a) got married
(b) cohabited for more than 3 months
(c) moved more than 3 miles away from where I was living

I live in the SE and £100k wouldn’t have bought me a shoebox. I work PT and the majority of my income comes from benefits, how I was supposed to get a mortgage I don’t know. But the £155k will enable me to get a shared ownership property so at least we’ll be secure.

Well make sure he has to pay all the legal and accountancy fees and tax payable by the trust. For ever.

At most this should be dealt with by an undertaking to leave by will.

It’s bloody ridiculous, this could have been dealt with by a charge on the property. But he can’t bear the idea of me getting one penny personally.

The trust issue is clouding the bigger issue. I don’t know how to process everything that’s happened.

If you two were married shouldn't you get half of all assets? If you're in the SE I would have thought a 3 bedroom house would be worth for than £300,000? Can you not force the sale of that house and take half the money? Sorry, am no expert (despite user name) and perhaps you've considered this already, but it sounds as if you're being short changed here.

Re: abuse, it can take many forms. I would second PP saying read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You can be abusive without raising so much as your voice. And it is very, very common for women who have been abused to feel like frauds. They will look at women who have had it worse and say 'she's a real abuse survivor; I didn't suffer like her'. Sometimes, i still catch myself wondering if my ex was actually abusive, or if he was just an arsehole. Abusive behaviour is on a continuum and at the more 'benign' end of the spectrum it does kind of drift into generalised cuntishness. But I reckon the book should clear it up for you. FWIW, his family sound really controlling, which is probably where he gets it from. You can have some money, but only if you basically remain celibate, and live in the next street from them? I would tell them where to go.

Have a chat with Womens Aid.
They can let you know contact details of counsellors that specialise in this kind of thing that are in your area..
You could also do the Freedom Programme.
Also google 'narcisist personality disorder'
As another PP said read the book 'Why does he do that?' you will find your Ex in there.

Like the pp's I'm concerned about the proposed trust, which is so contrary to the best interests of the you and the children. Has your solicitor taken Counsel's Opinion?