Big argument in front of dd WWYD

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

Myself and dp have been niggling at each other all day and it’s culminated in an argument in front of 4yr old dd leaving me sat next to her crying (me not dd) and he has gone for a drive. It started when I made a comment about having a mark on my jeans when I thought they were clean and he said well you haven’t done any Washing this week. I snapped because I am always Washing and drying and putting away. I do all DD’s ironing and some of dp’s. So I shouted ‘yes I have!’ I’m not happy I shouted. But it feels like dp does this quite a lot. He will get my back up until I explode, or walk out of the house. Anything to make me look bad in front of dd. Anyway we had dinner which I had slaved over and he barely spoke to me. I was trying to be normal. Then he made chocolate brownie and didn’t give me any. When I asked if I had any he said well you can help yourself but I thought you were on slimming world. So I lost it a bit and started crying. DD said ‘you’ll love this’ and I said I wasn’t having any. Anyway it was all really childish and I’m quite ashamed of myself for getting upset and silly I front of her but I feel like dp is doing this to me. What should I do? We are ok most of the time it just seems to be every few weeks we end up like this. And I don’t want dd seeing this all the time. Reading this back it sounds really ridiculous but it’s actually really hurtful at the time.

What's done is done and cannot be undone. What you need to work on now is the future. Make a pact with yourself that you won't rise to his taunts in front of dd again. She'll be fine. He sounds like an arse and would be in the doghouse if he tried that with me.

I do think you both have to be very careful in from of your dd. I have four year old and they pick up on everything.

It seems like you both rub each up the wrong way. Tell him calmly do don't want him to wind you up about the washing etc

Relationships are hard I know. But try and sort it .

You dragged your dd into it.

You're both extremely childish and if your kid is getting fucked up, your partner isn't doing that alone.

I can’t get her happy little face out of my head saying ‘mummy you’ll love this’ and then it dropping when I said I wasn’t having any

That was all you OP. You can't use a four year old in your childish squabbling. You're both pathetic, you for crying over cake in front of your child and him for goading you and going for a drive.

I'm assuming you're both young and rushed into a relationship/children. You sound ridiculous.

I'm afraid I'm with Frillyhorseyknickers OP.

I think you both sound as bad as each other. It wasn’t fair on your daughter to make her feel shit about the cake to prove a point. If you and your husband are going to act like twats then do it when she isn’t in earshot.

Basically what you did was to use your dd to score points against your dp by making her upset about you being upset. That's not acceptable and very damaging actually as she will feel pulled into it. And why the hell are you having relationship discussions with your child fgs? She's telling you that you might be happier without daddy? She's a child, not a fucking relationship expert.

Agree with frilly I'm afraid.

I don't think you deserve all the criticism you're getting OP. Your DP sounds like a bit of a knob. Your partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. What's the point of someone who says negative things all the time? He should think about the impact of his words. If all he does is make you feel bad about yourself what's the point of him and his nasty comments.

Thanks hiddley and wobbly. I appreciate the replies some are a bit more understanding than others. We got together young but been together 15 years so definitely not rushed into anything. However parenting and relationships don’t come with a guide book and we’ve obviously picked up some crap habits. FWIW I’m only telling you about the bad. We are also happy most of the time and dd has a lovely life with us. She’s doing brilliantly at school. But this is our weak point and I’m holding my head up and saying it needs resolving. I just feel he isn’t listening to me.

Actually hiddley you seem to have turned on me after what others have said!

Turned on you? Do you always have this victim mentality?

Thanks Pompholy. I’m trying to get across I know we are both to blame and I feel like I sunk to a bit of a low there. That’s why I know things need to change. DD only said that to me after I asked her if she was ok.

Yes, when I read your subsequent posts. You're using your daughter!

Maybe I’m not explaining it correctly then. Tbh I think I have better things to do than argue with you. I came here for advice. I got some.

I think your 4yo is right, you’d be happier away from daddy. Very sad though that she is the only mature voice in all this.

OP you and your partner have a very unhealthy relationship. It isn’t going to get better on its own. You guys have to do the work (grow up!) or move on if there’s any hope for your child to maintain good emotional health.

You are awear of it so that's a good thing. Just stay mindfull while dd is around and don't react to him if he starts. Easier said than done I know, but it's worth it for you dd

You need to protect your daughter, not use her.

You fought over a brownie and your crying? Is this serious. You both sound as bad as each other. And when you asked about the brownie he told you to help yourself. So why didn't you?
Instead you decide to drag your dd into it by making her feel like shit when you shit her down too. You need to grow up.

Shot*

I'm sorry but NO 4 year old child would make that observation to a parent 'you'd be happier not living with daddy' or whatever she supposedly said.
A child that age would not have the insight or empathy to even consider separation as an option unless she's been exposed to the concept by somebody.
if she did say it then someone has been putting words in her mouth.
Poor little girl is being used as a pawn in your ego drama.
You could have taken a small slice of brownie, it's presumably your home and kitchen too, you don't need his permission.
Hopefully this was a one off and she won't have to witness this passive aggressive sulking and bickering anymore.
If you really want to stop just stop. Failing that get counselling individually or as a couple.

So you must be at least late 20s?

I'm really sorry but you and your partner sound very very young/ immature. Your poor daughter. Is there alcohol or drugs involved in your evenings at all? I'm trying to understand why your behaviour sounds like you are both in your teens at best.

Did you both come from very chaotic / young / alcoholic families maybe?

I think you and your partner probably need to split up, or at least you need to learn to have some basic relationship skills. Can you talk to a social worker, gp or similar and maybe get on a parenting course?

That is so far away from the truth! Thanks though it’s made me realise how ridiculous this all is and how we need to change our ways. Definitely no drugs or alcohol involved. We are professional people and just had a silly argument that shouldn’t have happened. We have talked it through and it comes down to some anxiety issues I’ve had and some issues dp has had and we will be ok. I’m glad we’ve worked it out before it’s got worse. Thanks!

Oh and jelly I think she got that because her cousin’s parents don’t live together because she started talking about them.

Clearly on both sides there is an issue here. Shouting is not the way forward and, to be honest, I can easily imagine you coming here to complain that you are on slimming world and your DP is undermining you by offering you brownies....

He is an arse about the washing and I am great believer in adults doing their own washing. And a walk is better than driving to be honest. Far less dangerous.