Got in contact with mother after NC 8 years

[Ninjawarriorfan]

I've name changed

I reported her missing to the police on Wednesday after going NC 13 years ago. I spoke to her briefly on the phone 6 years ago. I went NC because she was incredibly toxic and angry. When I spoke to her briefly on the phone she sounded like a complete stranger.

She has had really bad mental health problems since she was a child after being in the care system and horrifically sexually abused. She never knew what a healthy relationship was.

I contacted the police after I asked around her family and no one had heard of her in years and that she had dissapeard of the face of the earth. She had tried to commit suiside a few times and I couldn't stop thinking maybe she wasn't even alive anymore

Police found her within 20 mins and got her to text me (well her neighbour did)

She just sounded so bloody normal and greatful I went up to see her today.

I was taken back when I seen her, she is only in her mid fifties but looks a lot older, has teeth missing. She was always a very attractive lady who took care of herself. Life had certainly kicked the fuck out of her.

She had a nice little flat and is on medication that seems to be agreeing with her. She speaks to an elderly lady next door and that's it. Five years she has lived like that.

She was over the moon at my kids as I took them and was happy but I could see she was absolutely fractured. I think really bad stuff has happened to her in recent years too.

On the way drive home I had a bit cry because she has clearly been really poorly and life hasn't been kind to her.

I feel protective over her just of that visit but also feel really apprehensive about having her back in my life. I don't know if it's too much for me to handle with my perfect little life, house, bloke and kids.

I've invited her to xmas lunch

She was very nervous when we met but she could have contacted me at any point she wanted. How can some one live like that? No contact with anyone?

Just finding it hard to process that this bolshy, aggressive, woman is now just broken old lady. She looks damaged

Any advice ?

It is just that I can not understand anyone having a sexual interest in a child. It is not something that I could allow to happen far less do it myself. It is just alien to me. It is stated that the mother was in care therefore SS were there to protect her but that failed. The mother was sexually abused and probably other abuses too.
I think I am being misread.
I do not think Child Sexual abuse is in any way acceptable
I feel sorry that the mother had a rotten childhood and then when she tried to be a mum it looks to me that the results of her childhood bad circumstances led her not to be a particularly great mum and then she is rejected.
This does not mean that I am glossing over the fact that OP's childhood was not great either.
It is a sad situation for one and all involved.
There is a reason why I feel this way but this is not my thread so I am not going to talk about me.

@user to be perfectly blunt (I apologise in advance) you are talking a complete load of s**t.....
You have nothing useful or constructive to add to this post and have no 'experience' to draw on, it is abundantly clear that you don't have the slightest idea or concept of what the OP or her mother have faced, so may I respectfully suggest you go away!!
I think that in the vast majority of cases, it's only those that have faced these difficult situations or at least faced some abuse/trauma in their lives can fully understand what the OP is going through.

OP..... like others have suggested, please be careful. Has the medication your mother has been on changed and settled her or is it more a sort of old age/maturiity and maybe counselling/therapy she has had.
I think that in time you need to try and establish what has happened during the 13 years of NC.
I don't know your mother or the reasons why you and your Brother went NC, but I am a potential believer in a leopard never changes and once the 'damage' of one's childhood (if severe) is done it is extremely difficult to undo without long-term professional help.
I would also ask the question what happens if she doesn't/can't take the medication and maybe how often she sees her medical team/mental health support or outreach team as that will give you some idea of her ongoing needs and any support she receives.
It would be lovely if you could build a relationship with her, but tread carefully for a while....small steps not to overwhelm you both.
Good luck with it all OP. Unfortunately it didn't work for me, I am NC with my mother and plan to remain so for my own sanity and wellbeing.

@user
I also forgot to add that no-one on here and certainly not the OP mentioned any sort of sexual abuse......the OP simply said that her mother had been in care and had a "horrific" childhood
Sexual abuse was a massive assumption that you came to...... horrific is horrific in many forms; it doesn't have to be sexual abuse - there are other forms of abuse, all equally as horrific......
Also I don't know what point you are trying to make as it really is not clear from the jibberish you spouted, but no-one sane or normal in any way ever condones or justifies any sort of abuse in any form to anyone child or adults alike. I just wanted to point that out as you imply in your post that some people seem to be 'condoning' it....i apologise if I have a misconception there, but your posts really are nonsense.

Op I hope you feel ok to come back to this thread

OP, I really hope this works out for you and your mother. It's a good thing that you didn't post beforehand for advice as to whether or not you should make contact with her because I'm pretty sure that the overwhelming response would have been to stay away. It sounds as if your mother is getting the help that she needs.

You took your KIDS with you? To this first meeting after 13 years?

You’re not thinking straight. Please take this more slowly, for their sake and yours.

@Flamingstar- if you check the original post third paragraph secondline you will see the words "horrifically sexually abused".
You are free to disagree with things but people are entitled to their views and to state these freely without being subjected to accusative diatribe from someone who has not read the OP thoroughly

Venus, I completely agree. The OP reacquainting with her mother before involving the children would have been a more cautious and sensible approach.

Whoever said ops mother will still be boiling with anger underneath knows nothing about the woman. People can and do change all the time. Maybe her medication is finally helping her. Her childhood sounds horrific no wonder the poor lady had mental health problems. Op take it slowly and dont give too much of yourself emotionally right now its early days.

@user
I obviously missed the "sexual abuse" but, but it doesn't alter the fact that you have nothing constructive to add to this thread. Unless you have experienced first hand the dynamics of an abusive and traumatic childhood, you have little understanding of the complexities and difficulties that brings. Of course you can emphasize but the reality is that you don't know and frankly you were talking nonsense.
That isn't a diatribe of accusations......it is the truth. The OP needs tangible, good, sensible support and advice, not nonsense from someone who has no idea what they are talking about.

@ Flamingstar. I have said and repeat that I had no experience of child abuse. I have said that I do have abuse now. Abuse is wrong no matter the age of the Abusee or even the Abuser. My abuse started around the same time a some very traumatic events for me. Part of the abuse is that I was shown no support or empathy. I dont hope for anything from these people now but the mum OP is talking about is trying to reach out and although I would never reach out now I would hope that some people could and would reach out and be wel received.
My thoughts are no abuse is acceptable. No matter what age group it still hurts a lot

I just feel what if it was that mental health or her extremely bad childhood wired her up wrong that made her in to that person. Shes been ill for a very long time. I don't think that those feelings could have gone it's just that she is just a shell of a woman that she was. No fight left. Seemed like no anger or hate left. Just sadness behind the eyes but very greatful

ninja I think sometimes people do sometimes change. Not often, and rarely fast (unless they've had a life-changing shock) but people can IF they want to.

I think that if you wanted further contact, then go ahead cautiously. But she can never be the mother that you should have had; it's easy when you had an absent / shit mother to still want a mother long into adulthood. If you don't feel like that, or if you can really set aside any longing, then it would be a kind thing to keep some contact.

She sounds such a lonely person and perhaps not past redemption. But please be careful of your heart.

--

as for User02 and ...I do know who went NC when the poor woman needed all the support this world could have given her especially from her nearest and dearest

first ODFOD from me too. You expect an abused child to grow up and stand there and take it from a toxic and abusive parent? Well done on utter idiocy.

That sort of view is nothing but destructive and people like you make abused people's lives a lot, lot harder.

Dear me. Clearly one sided here. That is discrimination.
I would encourage any abused person to leave the situation.
It seems quite abusive being here at the moment.
When you learn that there is more to life than just your own views you will have achieved something

I've been nc with a close family member for many years (their decision ) and I would truly love for them to want contact. I have tried many times with letters etc but sadly to no avail. I would say to you , take it slow. You say your mother has had a very troubled life and mh problems. Tbh asking her to Christmas dinner is a big step and if she doesn't make it try not to be upset. I'd call her weekly for a chat and meet up when you can. Good luck.

I was in a very similar situation and after seven years of NC I made it up with my mum at my brothers wedding and she died five years later to the day of cancer. It is much better to forgive if you possibly can, I'm glad, so glad I did.

User, the OP went NC for a reason. I have a mum who was emotionally and mentally unavailable to me when I needed her most. I vowed, with every ounce of my life, that I would never be the mother to my DC, that my mum was to me. My mum was never there for me. She slated me to others then denied she'd said anything nasty. She constantly called me names, and was very abusive when she didn't get what she wanted. When I didn't do something quick enough, and to her liking, she would call me thick, stupid, lazy, bone idle, a complete bitch and that I'd amount to nothing, as well as being made to feel like a serious inconvenience to the family.

I'm still trying to cut and work my way through the legacy of this maternal negative conditioning.

I've always known deep down that what my mum put me through was wrong. That feeling was always there, so I knew if I had DC, that I would use my mum's example of parenting and strive to do so much better than she did. But most importantly, be there emotionally, mentally and physically for my DC. To be the parent my mum couldn't be bothered to be to me.

So you see, just because someone has had an abusive childhood in care, and nothing to draw on it doesn't mean they can't be a fantastic parent. I know a couple of people who went through a ton of abusive s* in the care home they were in from birth, yet they are brilliant parents to their own kids. This is because they knew deep down that the abuse they went through was wrong and that they would absolutely protect their DC at the cost of their own life.

People can be good parents after abuse. It just takes them to be bothered to do what it takes to be a good one. Whether that's reading about parenting, or learning from someone who has a child's best interests at heart.

Scuffbags thank you for your very reasoned response.
As mums/parents we can only do our best, we draw on things we have seen and things we have read and try to pick the best bits to apply to our DCs and us as parents. There are times when we have to make fast decisions with not a lot of time to think. Sometimes that goes wrong sometimes often by chance we get it right.
I am frustrated by the constant assumption on MN that the mothers are always in the wrong. There are some others involved who can go wrong. There are absent dads and non paying dads, sometimes these dad are both absent and nonpaying but the mum has to have meals on the table several times a day and sufficient suitable and clean clothes available whether the dad pays or not. Sailing again by the seat of the pants. Sometimes a single working parent with 2 jobs is so tired that they agree to things their DCs want because they just cant fight another battle.
Sometimes despite the mum's best efforts these kids grow up to be demanding adults only this time they are also threatening and emotionally abusive in order to get their own way.
It is not right in my opinon to use DGC as bait to get their own way ie if you dont comply you dont get to see the DGC unless of course babysitting is required.
It is abuse coming from the mums to the parent using DGC/DC. Some here do not want to see anything but it has to be the mother or grandmother who is all bad and definitely not them or their peers.
Thanks again for a reasoned response

Hello sorry for delay in getting back.

Regarding taking the kids - yes in hindsight it was risky and I probably wasn't thinking straight, she sounded so normal on the phone and in past history before the big NC if we had every fallen out we would just meet up and pretend all was well. Thankfully it went well.

I feel I've bitten off more than I can chew tbh. I've had a lot of therapy myself over this woman and I've only just really started to forgive her - only through working on understanding of my own behaviour and why I acted like I did and choices I made when I was younger - I was able to have some kind of understanding of her or empathy (?)

I brought her to my home through the week and we had lunch and she met my OH. It was 'fine' and the kids like her. We've been texting a lot during the day and I went up to see her by myself this morning.

I know I've gone too fast too quick.

Because the kids wasn't there I think she was able to voice some issues that are effecting her, like - when she is around her mother she wants to kill herself, brought up various other stuff, mentioned her sexual abuse and her siblings.( briefly as I pushed the conversation past it)

I was incredibly drained when I left. My anxiety has been so physical today. Took it out on OH and was short with dc. Had a bit of a cry due to emotional build up.

I've worked for a long time on myself to get past my shit parents and my childhood and worked really bloody hard to like me as an adult. Yet I've put myself in a position where I now have to be a support frame to one of the people that massive fucked up my child hood. Which I can do but I can't listen to her wanting so and so dead when there is no recognition of her own failings (does that even make sense?)

I feel if I walk away now I'd be a proper cunt. (Sorry)

I couldn't even look her in the face when I was leaving today.

Absolutely no idea where to go from here

Why is your contact so frequent now after such a long period of NC?
Would it be better to arrange to ring her once a week or so initially - it sounds too much too soon to me.
IF you are going to resume any kind of relationship with her, you surely need to ease into it and get to know the "new" her (and she will need to get to know the "new" you as well). You could and probably should explain this to her - perfectly reasonable after such a horrendous past relationship.

You took things too fast because you are desperate to have a positive relationship with her. That’s understandable but you need to look after yourself first.

Take a step back - what would you advise your best friend to do in your position?

Do that.

OP take a huge step back and stop jumping head first into her problems. (I mean this is the kindest way).
She needs to deal with them herself and may need to talk about them, but not to you. Could she speak to someone arranged through her GP?

Maybe you could arrange to meet once a week but go out for lunch or a walk around the shops instead of in her flat where she can just bombard you. Its far too mentally draining, you'll have nothing left to give and will start to dread seeing her. You need to look after yourself.

Good luck. I really hope you can work it out and have a nice relationship. People can change. Maybe her meds are helping her better?