Have I done the right thing?

[WhatTheChickens]

Reposted from another board for traffic.....
Some opinions on my current situation would really help me out, so thanks in advance

Been seeing a chap for about 6 months.
We live around an hour apart. We have been seeing each other most weekends and usually an evening in the week too.
I really do like him, and was so surprised that someone like him would be interested in me, a single parent and all. He's very successful, intelligent, we share similar views and values and we have an absolute blast when we're together.

However, I've just finished things because of the distance. I have a 4 y/o DD who has just started school. He has recently bought a house which he is renovating and is his absolute pride and joy. This isn't a run of the mill renovation, its a beautiful old house and he is spending an absolute fortune restoring it.

So we both have reasons for staying where we are and as a result I just don't think the relationship could go anywhere.

My DD sees dad eow and for dinner once a week. She's just started school and made friends, has grand parents, cousins and extended family who are all within a mile or 2 of where we are now. My absolute priority is DD and I just couldn't consider moving her away from all that she knows and needs.

Also, moving would mean looking for a new job for me, I also would not know anyone and lose my support network. But I guess things would improve in time?

We were nowhere near having the 'moving in together' conversation but looking forward I just felt like I didn't want to keep going and getting more invested in the relationship if it just can't go to the next level.

BUT, I am absolutely devastated. Have I done the right thing??
I really don't think I'll meet anyone quite like him again, or at least that would be interested in me.
I feel almost bereft. Its fucking horrible.
Someone tell me I've done the right thing please. Its taking every fibre of my being not to message him and say I've changed my mind.

I think you were thinking too far down the line and should have just chillaxed a while.

I think my sticking point is that its only me considering the impact of a potential move down the line, whereas the idea of him moving hasn't been entertained at all.
The house is the only thing keeping him there. He moved to the town 18 months ago and doesn't have family or existing friends in the area

I think you’ve overthought it. Or perhaps you were looking for a reason to get out ? That’s fine, it’s ok to not be ready for an emotional commitment, but perhaps have a think about your underlying feelings.

It's normal to feel sad IMO and OK to grieve what could have been. That doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do.

Let yourself grieve the relationship them move on and try to find someone who wants the same things.

Your overthinking it.
My friend has a dream home, they've renovated it completely and it's so beautiful you'd never want to leave it.
Except they just have, to move two streets across - partly for a bigger garden and drive, mainly because they just love renovation and were ready for the fun again!
So are you sure the house means he won't move?

I wouldn't move for my fiancé. I love him to bits, he lives 15 mins away. But either us wanted to move our children from their local friends / school. As it happens, that has only delayed us living together by 2 years as his youngest is then off to uni. There's no lack of commitment - the registrar is booked for a month before his son leaves! But we both believe that relationships after kids look different.

You're right to end it though, if he just accepted it.

I don't think I did want to get out of it.
I really did/do like him.

Its a self preservation thing I think - I could feel myself getting more and more attached and as it seemed to not have the future I want in a relationship (properly sharing my life with someone) that's why I ended it.
This house project is a long term thing for him

I think that if he thought it was worth saving he would have been less accepting over me finishing it. I appreciate it sounds like I was testing him, I really wasn't - its just made me realise that if he was so willing to just accept it, that a) moving definitely isn't a consideration for him and b) the house means more to him

I think you are doing the right thing. Your lives are in different places, neither of you want to move, and you do want a cohabiting relationship. It took a lot longer years to get to he point where I could see there was no cohabiting future together with my ldr. We lived an hour away from each other, only saw each other at weekends and 1 night in the week. For me, that wasn't enough, I was still lonely despite being in a relationship . When he bought a house in his town one year into the relationship that really signalled that he wasn't interested in compromising on where he lived. I wish I'd ended it then instead of 2 years later.
Well done on having such good boundaries about what you want from a relationship. Onwards and upwards 😊

Thanks ridiculous

You've hit the nail on the head - I still felt lonely despite being in a relationship.
He's in his 40s and hasn't ever lived with a partner to my knowledge.
He's used to being by himself whereas I'm a very social person and need that regular contact in a relationship

I see it differently. He may have taken your observation as being a statement that you wouldn’t want to compromise and move so he’d have to come to you instead of you both moving to meet in the middle.

I can remember reading lots about ldr on mumsnet before I finished things. Lots of people were of the opinion that 1 hour is nothing, or that relationships don't have to be cohabiting. Which is fine, but for me it was very frustrating. I'd found someone I loved, had a great time with, but was still alone every evening. What works for some people doesn't work for everyone.
I'm back dating again now, and I'm only my looking at men in my city. It's just not worth getting attached to someone who can't give you what you want. And if that means you're single for a while, so what, better that than compromising on what you need in a relationship.

That's exactly it I think. Obviously it was early days so although the frequency 2st which we saw each other was ok for now, there didn't seem to be an end to it.

My reasons for not moving are purely based on my childs needs. Having already moved house 18 months ago following the breakdown of a relationship, and just establishing new roots, new school, friends etc, it just feels incredibly unfair of me to consider doing that all over again, even of it was a couple of years down the line.
I don't think the area is necessarily the biggest pull for him, its the house itself. So a middle ground move wouldn't really solve anything

I’ve been with my dp for 5 years nearly. We don’t live together but I assure you our relationship is not “casual”

Sorry, pressed post too soon. Relationships nowadays don’t have to follow the traditional, meet, date, move in, marry narrative any more.

Bitoutofpractice I agree, relationships come in many forms these days. But I know that what I want, and it sounds like op does too, is someone to share a home with. Wanting either relationship model is fine, as long as you don't settle for something you aren't happy with.
I think that realising the person is right but the situation is not is a very tricky place to be. I still miss my ex, we were together nearly 4 yrs, but I don't regret breaking up, I couldn't deal with having no cohabiting future. I did end it after a year when he bought his house in his town, but he convinced me it was working long distance. But it wasn't working for me. I wish I'd stood by that decision, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

I dn't disagree ridiculous, of course, it's horses for courses

Yes certainly for you DD and for you in that it wasn't ever going to become what you wanted.

I've always struggled with trusting my own decisions - hence why I needed opinions in here I guess. I can't settle in my mind at all if I've done the right thing. Barely slept last night, this is horrible!