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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you call this when someone does this?

50 replies

Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:38

Random acquaintance - friend of a friend I met on a couple of nights out where I used to live. I’ve moved since and haven’t seen them since.

See my friends but this person was on the periphery so I haven’t seen them.

They are unwell physically and quite depressed with it I think - I have empathy for them, but the constant negativity was irritating me.

Last week they posted a rant about the NHS and how crap it was and they wished ill on some unspecified members of nhs staff who have been involved in their treatment.

That was the final straw for me and I unfriended them. I’m a stupid plonk and didn’t realise that unfriending them on facebook didn’t take them off messenger.

Anyway, 5 mins literally after I unfriended them they started facebook messaging me -

I see you have unfriended me

I’m sorry if I have done anything to upset you can you tell me what I’ve done

So I told them that the rant against the nhs staff member was not acceptable to me

Now I’ve been getting messages every day and they are

I’m sorry you feel that way

I don’t want any hurt between us

I’m really sorry that my words hurt you

I don’t want to feel I upset you

And on and on and on in the same vein.

I have forwarded the messages to my friend who is friends with them (god that’s complicated even to type!) and suggested that they get them help with their MH as it’s clearly an issue but what’s it called when someone does this?

They are clearly very depressed and unwell and the physical issues the doctors can’t find a reason for they have suggested are psychosomatic (sp?)

They are messaging and messaging I am not responding (I have had 4 messages in the space of writing this post) - what do I do? Will I make it worse for them if I continue to ignore them?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 28/10/2017 09:40

Firstly, you can also block messenger.

Secondly, I don’t think it was kind to forward their messages to someone else. You could voice your concerns without breaching their privacy like that.

SassySausageSupper · 28/10/2017 09:40

Block them.

Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:40

By the way the messages aren’t constant but they come in clusters - so I’ll get 4/5/6/7/8/9/10 one after another and then none for a day or maybe an afternoon and then another 4/5/6

And this is in relationships, but if you think there is somewhere better for it then can you suggest me somewhere to move it

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:41

I took a screenshot of a cluster of the messages and sent them to their best friend (who has shared similar with me in the past to ask my advice)

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:42

But quite prepared to admit that might have been the wrong thing to do - it’s just something their best friend has done with me in the past so I didn’t think this morning when I got up and got a slew of messages one after another.

OP posts:
NumberEightyOne · 28/10/2017 09:44

Why don't you just accept the person's apology instead of making this into a ridiculous drama?

TheStoic · 28/10/2017 09:44

It’s not your responsibility to save them.

Can you even respond to their messages? Usually it says something like ‘You can’t reply to this conversation’ if either of you have been blocked on FB.

salsah · 28/10/2017 09:45

God knows what it's called but the reaction is the opposite of what you were hoping for - ie removing negativity from your social media feed. I would write back once only and say,
I am trying to remove negativity from my FB hence removing you after your comments - no hard feelings and no need to apologise.
Then block her messaging. Life is too short for this waste of time drama - she's not even a friend.

Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:46

I answered the first message - they have kept messaging since - and I was clear in my reply that I was done.

they are making it into something by messaging and messaging me. It’s a bloke I met twice or three times on nights out. I don’t really know what I’ve done for him to be saying ‘’I will always think of you and love you as one of my best friends because you have been there for me when no one else has’ I literally have done NOTHING other than like an odd facebook post or put up a comment along the lines of hope you get better soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:47

If I block him on messenger will I lose the messages does anyone know? That’s why I haven’t blocked him so far.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 28/10/2017 09:50

Does it matter if you lose the messages?

amistillsexy · 28/10/2017 09:50

You don't have to involve anyone else. They can't help.
If you really want to have nothing else to do with them, then you need to engage with this person once more (and only once!)
Tell them:

A: You disagree with the stand they take on NHS workers, and that once she made that stand, you knew there was no going back.
B: You accept her right to have whatever views she wishes. You also have a right to disagree and not associate with people who hold those views.
C: Wish her well, and make it clear that you will not respond to any more messages.

Then block her from everything and take no more notice.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/10/2017 09:52

I think in her depression, she has fixated on what she perceives as your rejection of her. Her depression means she has way over-reacted, and not your job to fix, but for future reference, no, it wasn't very nice to forward the messages. Salsah 's message is good, I would do that, then block.

Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:52

Just in case I needed them to prove harassment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:53

It’s a man not a Walkman

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 09:53

Bloody phone!!! WOMAN.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 28/10/2017 09:55

Just screenshot them. Then delete the conversation, and block.

Gemini69 · 28/10/2017 09:58

block.. then end Flowers

Madreputa · 28/10/2017 10:06

Just tell her: Look, why do you care that I deleted you? We've never been close. Move on!
Then block her completely.

Original poster
Notanumberuser · 28/10/2017 10:09

It’s a man, not a woman.

I have screenshot and blocked thanks all

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 28/10/2017 10:30

You don’t lose the messages. I still have messages of people I’ve blocked.

TammyswansonTwo · 28/10/2017 12:51

On the one hand, she's being a giant pain in the arse from your perspective so block her on messenger too since you obviously don't know her well enough to support her or have any interest in that.

On the flip side, just because doctors have not been able to diagnose her yet, that doesn't mean her issues are psychosomatic. That word is plastered all over my medical notes for the ten years between going to see the doctor and getting formally diagnosed with endometriosis. Average time for diagnosis for that condition is 9 years. There are a whole host of conditions that are very difficult to diagnose even when you have doctors on your side.

If her health has been deteriorating and affecting her mental health too, she's probably gradually been ditched by most of her friends and there's nothing she can do about it. If she doesn't have supportive medical staff either and if she's been to yet another appointment where she's been fobbed off, patronised and insulted, she's probably angry and very frustrated. It's an horrendous thing to go through. I've wanted to post rants like that many times but don't think I ever have. If you'd ever experienced the attitude of some consultants, when you've been pinning all your hopes on an appointment for months and then they treat you like shit (and not for the first time) you'd maybe understand where she's coming from.

If it were me I'd try and offer her some support. You have no idea how isolating health problems like this can be. She's probably heartbroken at losing yet another person she considers a friend. It's really devastating, and all of this could happen to anyone at any time.

If you have no interest in being a supportive friend to this person, and want to make rather unpleasant statements about them and share their messages with other people, it's probably best just to block her to be honest. I'm not saying this to be unpleasant, but some people can't / won't empathise with someone in her position and those people do more harm than good. I personally detest this cult of positivity nonsense - life is shit sometimes and having a positive attitude can't change that - and only really fortunate people are able to eradicate negativity from their lives, and generally cause a lot of hurt along the way. I've always thought the point of friendship is to support the people you care about when they're struggling but it seems many can't be arsed with that, it's too much work.

You say she's more of an acquaintance - is that how she sees it? It seems like she's very distressed about you blocking her.

TammyswansonTwo · 28/10/2017 12:52

Sorry just seen that it's a man - doesn't make much difference to my point unless you think they're sexually / romantically interested in you I suppose and this is more of a harassment issue.

Seti · 28/10/2017 13:13

How did they know you’d unfriended them?

NotTheFordType · 28/10/2017 15:24

It's pretty obvious when someone's unfriended you if you have mutual friends.

Mutual friend puts up a photo, you comment on it, the person you unfriended hovers over your profile photo and gets a prompt to "Add friend".

Or, if they're in the habit of visiting your profile page, suddenly they can't see any photos or content.