Should I leave my emotionally abussive partner

[Tooeasilydistracted]

Hi everyone. I've just joined this page. I'm from Darwin Australia. I'm 36 and have a 5yo. I'm currently unemployed after getting a generous redundancy and live with my son & his father who I reluctantly call my partner. We've been together nearly 7 years. It was a whirlwind romance. We met in January, moved in together in march, were engaged in May & I was pregnant by in June. He seemed like the perfect stable guy (a cop) and I really wanted the whole white picket fence crap. He changed when I got pregnant. He is demanding, critical and easily frustrated & angry. I would need a novel to describe all the awful ways he's treated me but I left the relationship emotionally when I caught him having coffee with his ex when he told me he was at the gym. About 3yrs ago. I have no love or respect for him but when I plan to leave he cries and promises to give me the life I want & I feel terrible. I feel scared to break up a family & support myself. I have anxiety and depression & so constantly doubt myself and my abilities & have no idea how I could cope on my own when I can have crippling panick attacks. I have no family for 3000km.He promises to give me little money if I leave and demands 50% custody of our son. My son has behaviour problems at school and at first they thought he had adhd but the jury is out. My partner dismisses all his behaviour and criticises me for taking him for assessments and specialists etc and has suggested I over medicalise him because of my own mental imbalances. However I have the complete support of my sons teachers and support worker. It has been raised that our relationship & the mixed signals our son gets are contributing. I completely agree but his father is very reluctant to participate in any family councilling to get us on same page. I can see my son is suffering & it seems I have to pick between a broken family or an unhealthy one. My partner is constantly asking for a 2nd child and I was considering having another as this is probably my last chance but I know I would never survive & I already feel constant guilt that I'm failing my first. So I have given up on that fantasy. I wonder f my anxiety & depression are caused in part to the relationship or cause my issues with my partner. We have tried couples counselling on off for 3 years with small improvements but he is who he is even when he reigns in some of his behaviours. He has little respect for my feelings & boundaries but tells me it's just because he misunderstands my feelings & anxiety and isn't the jerk I make him out to be. Please help 😣

You sound very unhappy. He does sound emotionally abusive. Do you have any friends nearby? It does sound like you and your son would be happier if you left the relationship.

I have friends and I talk to them regularly but they are all going through their own struggles having young children. In my head I want to go but I don't have the emotional strength to go through with it

He is demanding, critical and easily frustrated & angry.

You are 36. Can you imagine living with this for another 40 or 50 years?

He is also your son's main role model for how to behave as a father, husband and man. Do you want this for him?

This is definitely not a relationship to bring another child into.

You need to get into serious relationship counselling. If your husband won't take part then you may need to live separately.

I am sorry.

It was my own son who gave me the emotional strength to leave my first, physically and emotionally abusive marriage.

What ever you do, don't have another child with this abusive man.

And of course you don't feel able to look after yourself, he's constantly abusing you and making you doubt yourself.

I suspect you'd feel a lot better, and be able to cope with a lot more, if you left him. Your son would probably improve too.

I don't know what resources there are for you where you live, but take advice where you can get it. Find out everything you can. Collect all your paperwork, work out your finances, get evidence of your husband's salary, etc. Prepare yourself without saying anything to your husband. Send copies of everything to a friend who will keep them safe for you.

Even if I leave my son will still need to have a relationship with his father. I worry if I'm not there it will be worse for him when he is with his father.

Your son would at least get a break from his father's abuse while he was with you, though. So he'd have an idea of normal, kind behaviour, which would enable him to understand how wrong it is, and how to behave when he's an adult. And his father might not bother much with him if you do separate.

Here is what helped me come to my decision. Confide in someone - I know it's hard because you will probably feel ashamed and be blaming yourself (that's part of living with abuse). Start reading up on domestic abuse. Phone a domestic abuse helpline - they are there to talk, they won't be dragging you into a refuge or forcing you to make decisions. Just air your worry. When you are ready, find a domestic abuse counsellor.
DO NOT have another child with him.
A 'broken' family can have problems but at least you would have the chance of happiness some of the time, and not have to watch every little step. You could argue that a family with abuse is already broken even when they live in the same home.

Unfortunately my son had to see his father every other weekend and it was hard. But the 12 days out of 14 that he was with me more than made up for it.