How would you interpret this?

[Susurro]

What would you take it to mean if someone you had been seeing for a couple of months said that they think you are amazing and you are definitely in a committed relationship but they are 'taking it slow emotionally'? I am not at the stage of making (or expecting) any grand declarations myself, but I am developing strong feelings and am now worried that it's going to be one-sided. I'm asking for advice/clarification as I don't really get the 'emotionally slow' thing; I either feel it or I don't, and usually quickly, but i realise that's me and not everyone is the same. So I guess I just want to know that if someone says this a couple of months in it doesn't necessarily mean that the whole enterprise is doomed?!

To give a some context and avoid drip feeding... Met online, clicked online and also in real life - amazing chemistry, very compatible, values and outlook in line, all good on that score. Two hours distance involved but talk every day and seen each other consistently every 10 days or so since mid-August for either one or two days/overnights each time. He's late 30s with a young DC, I'm mid-30s, no DC.

His last relationship with the mother of his DC was a bit of a mess. She was EA, I don't want to give too much detail but it really wasn't good, although they now co-parent amicably for the most part. They stopped living under the same roof a year ago. He is, in his own words, very bruised by the whole experience (I can't give the whole story but he really had a horrendous time of it and it has had serious ongoing effects on his career) and this is the cause of the 'taking it slow emotionally' thing now. He's been through an emotional wringer and after DC, ex-relationship and work stress there's 'not been a lot left'.

Plus points, he is affectionate, consistent, honest, always proactive and keen to see me, great at keeping in contact, says he thinks I'm terrific, kind, funny, smart, beautiful etc. and that he wants to be in a relationship and have more DC etc... but emotionally he is holding back at the moment. I have not said anything heavy to him regarding my feelings at all but they are definitely there and growing and I guess I just want to know if I'm wasting my time here. He says I'm not but it's just quite alien to me in terms of how my emotions work so some insight from anyone who has experienced the same (from either side) would be really helpful.

I don't see the problem with having a sexual relationship without commiting emotionally though.

I'm not sure where the 'introduced early to DC' thing has come in. As I said, I have only met his DC once and it was a very casual encounter in a neutral and very busy location. They're very young yet but I wasn't introduced as anything other than 'this is a friend of Daddy's'. I don't think it even registered with them as there was so much else going on where we were and so many other people. I could have been anyone that Daddy was just talking to. I haven't seen them since, I've never been at the house while they are there, we don't message all day when they are there and only speak on the phone after they are in bed etc.

MyDearAnnie what you said about the person you were seeing for 12 weeks where you wanted to take things slowly, that is more or less the situation I'm in although I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. What I really was asking was that if someone feels like/says that, does it mean that it's never going to happen, they're never going to fall for the person in question because they're just not that into them, or that they do (potentially) see it happening but it will take time? This is really my only concern about the whole thing.

Think the poster was saying that sometimes people introduce DC in this (“a friend”) way partly to encourage their gf to think it’s a signal of “progress” in the relationship, when it’s not.

This man is not offering you much at present, which is fair enough on his part and he’s being honest. The problem is the DC/fertility issue

Does he do half the travelling?

OK hold on - I missed that you are mid thirties and want more DC.

I think give it until three months and then you need to outline for sure whether he's serious about getting more serious and potentially having DC. Otherwise, you need to cut it off. No faffing, no "Oh but I need to take it slow" - fine, but you don't have the time to wait and see if his slow burn makes it or not.

Another six months is far too long! That's eight months in total.

I am not saying you need a marriage proposal in another month's time but you need to have positive and clear signs and an idea of a time scale. Not vague maybe-in-the-future musings.

No it wasn't like that, it was an 'I happened to be there and they swung by' type thing. There was no big fanfare or emphasis put on it.

We do split the travelling equally yes. I've gone to him one more time overall as my work is a bit more flexible, but otherwise it's 50/50.

He is very kind, considerate and affectionate towards me. He says nice things and his actions match up. I know he cares about me, I don't doubt that, the question is just will it ever be more than that?

Writing that I realise that short of a crystal ball the answer is 'who the fuck knows' The 'taking it slow emotionally' thing has just thrown me I guess.

Bertie I want a DC, not more, I don't actually have any yet :/ I do know that he wants a long-term relationship and he does want at least one more DC, he's told me that... I just don't know if he'll want it with me!

What I really was asking was that if someone feels like/says that, does it mean that it's never going to happen, they're never going to fall for the person in question because they're just not that into them, or that they do (potentially) see it happening but it will take time?

Honestly? Well I obviously can't speak for your situation, but as far as I'm concerned, I have no idea.

All I can say with any certainty is that I like them enough to spend some of my precious free time with them now.

But I don't want any more children and it would take someone pretty fucking amazing for me to integrate them into my life.

I've not met that person yet and I have children to consider, so I'd be giving myself an awful lot of time to decide if they were that.

Although that probably doesn't help you!

What I would say is that I'm less forgiving than I would be if I were emotionally attached. So it's far easier to walk away if I'm not happy.

Yes, sorry, I did clock that, I just mistyped for some reason.

I think the "does he want it with me" question is key. And I wouldn't give any longer than a TOTAL of six months to work that out, and only extend beyond 3-4 months if you genuinely think it has legs. It takes time to invest in another new relationship, meet another person etc - if you give 8 months to each person who might be a good bet, then say take 2-3 months to get over them and meet someone else, they turn out to be crap early on so it takes another month or two, that's over a year...

I know it seems unemotional and cold but if you want children you are going to have to be methodical to some extent. As he already has a child it's perfectly sensible for him to put them first, and he doesn't have the same urgency for future children that you have.

No I know you're absolutely right, it's a bit of a shit situation really, feeling that everything has this time pressure on it and the background worry that it's never going to happen or not until it's too late. Ugh.