I can't seem to end it with my lukewarm boyfriend

[misseightyeight]

Hi everyone,

I am an avid lurker of the relationships board. I am looking for some advice please.

I am nearly 30, in a relationship with a guy who is lukewarm. He is smart, and charismatic, but I'm not happy with the way he treats me. We fight all the time. He makes no effort with me, it's always "you can come round if you want but I'm not going out tonight." He's never taken me out to dinner. He never even brought me a single flower despite working at a flower delivery shop.

We have been seeing each other for 10 months, and we don't live together.

I think I want to break up with him but I can't seem to do it. I don't understand why I can't end it. I know he's not treating me well enough. I can't live like this any more. I can't keep having fights every single night. I can't remember the last time I went 24 hours without crying. I'm upset all of the time. I love him so much but I don't understand why.

I don't understand why he has such a hold over me. Has anyone else ever experienced this? What is wrong with me?

Thanks.

Yes I have experienced this. I was besotted with him and the colder he was, the more I wanted to win him over. It got to the point where he would audibly sigh when I rang him. It is horribly corrosive to your self esteem. It won't ever get better and you need a clean, final break.

Thanks for the reply. How did you get yourself out of the situation? Was there a "final straw"? He asked me to come over tonight (refused to meet anywhere except his house) and I said no, but I still really want to see him.

There's nothing wrong with you. You want to be in a loving relationship and you want companionship. But it's never going to happen with this guy and now you just need to accept it. Every day you waste with him is a day when you could be moving forward to find a man who deserves you. End it, block him, and don't look back.

You sound completely entrenched in this. The charisma is probably the problem, one of my exes was like this and I was besotted with him. Do you have many friends? Busy yourself with them, make yourself 100% unavailable for the next week or so. It's going to take self discipline but it'd what you need I'm afraid.
I got to a point where I promised myself I would never ever contact my ex ever again and I didn't. I deleted his number etc etc. It was v hard, but I wa so proud of myself for breaking free. I kept myself ridiculously busy.

It ended up with him admitting he didn't love me. Even then I went back and tried to convince him he did. He became horribly emotionally abusive and when I came over, he would do jobs in his house and ignore me. Eventually I ended it when he turned up at my house after a works night out, drunk at 1am. I had to be up at 6 and I had been looking forward to seeing him after two weeks. I was meant to spend Christmas with him and I realised I didn't want to spend Christmas with someone who clearly didn't care about me. There's no happy ending, I haven't found anyone else and I really did love him very much. But I'm happier alone than being with a man who made me cry daily. You will be too

moon I've got some very close friends, yes, and I am absolutely caught up in this. It's all I can think about. I have an obsessive and anxious personality at the best of times and this is overwhelming me.

I try to block him but I always end up calling him straight away. I have ignored his missed call for all of ten minutes now and it's torturous. Not sure how to get through a whole week.

I know that you're right though, and I know I sound pathetic.

It's an addiction and it may take a number of attempts before you break the habit for good. That's ok, but don't give up. You are not pathetic, you deserve better.

maddingcrowd thanks for sharing. I'm supposed to be spending christmas with his family in another country (something he would never do for me) but I think I'm going to cancel and spend it with my parents.

It does feel like an addiction.

You have to cut contact completely. My ex became more and more depraved as he exploited the power he had over me, until eventually I mustered up the courage to cut him off. It has left lasting damage though, so the earlier you end it, the better

Ive been there. There is no easy answer.

You literally have to eyeball yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that he is not making you happy.

And no one can take steps to make you happy, except you.

Why do you want to cry every day? You do not.

Remind yourself of that and take it one step at a time.

Might be time for you to find a good therapist. Once you discover why you do this, it’s very empowering. You go from an ‘out of control’ feeling, to something much more manageable. And before you know it, you use your new confidence to extricate yourself from relationships that aren’t good for you and you stand a good chance of steering clear of the wrong people in the future.

I think you’d be surprised how quickly things can resolve themselves once you start concentrating your energies on yourself, rather than him.

Therapy-work does take a bit of effort, but it’s certainly less exhausting than this fighting/crying/chasing rut you are in.

Cancel now whilst you're thinking about it. Ring or email your parents and tell them you're going to theirs (or inviting them to you) for Christmas. Then you have started the chain. Imagine yourself being free by new year. You can do it

skittles might be a good plan. I seem to often pursue unhealthy relationships, and get consumed by them.

Counselling got me out of a similar situation/mindset. Totally besotted/trapped. 6 sessions and I was skipping away without a backward glance.
You can do it you really can.

If you have a habit of getting consumed by your relationships, then this is about you and your need for live and acceptance, at any cost. Perhaps you have abandonment issues and/or very low self esteem. Whatever the reason, staying in a relationship that makes you feel desperate and sad is not going to help you long term. Definitely get into counselling. It sounds like you need to be on your own for a while to build up your self esteem. Take care. There's a great book called 'Women who love too much'. I'd highly recommend it to you xx

Ask yourself what you realistically want after only 10 months in a relationship. If he’s not doing that, end it. If you’re looking for Velcro, he’s not the one

You’re hanging on to him because you have no other options at the moment.

Get out there and meet people. I’m not advising you to cheat (obviously), but broaden your horizons a little.

You can bet your bottom dollar he’s only with you until something better comes along.

Cancel Christmas, delete (not block) his number from your phone and delete his account on all social media. Keep yourself busy - go out as much as possible, exercise.Do whatever it takes so you can't brood over him. It will be hard and it might be two steps forward, one step back at times but make a commitment to yourself to end it.

Counselling if you can afford could be a way forward. We often banjax ourselves. My mum was a narcissist and I was the scapegoat child so was always been told I was unlovable, nothing I did or achieved ever pleased her. I thought all I ever wanted was for someone to appreciate me and recognise that I was trying to be a good person and when I found guys like that I couldn't cope in the relationship or with their lovely families. I felt more comfortable with damaged people whose own needs came first and I had to work on challenging that. Perhaps you have some learned behavior you need to challenge? Trying to persuade your lukewarm boyfriend you are great is a pattern you are used to?

Do you ever go out together? How often do you see him? Any chance he's seeing someone else so is concerned about being out with you in public?

Regardless, it's the old "treat em mean" concept, it's a cliche for a reason. The more someone pulls away, the more you chase. It's not healthy at all. This isn't really love, honestly.

Can you, instead of trying to wean yourself off him, wean yourself onto other things, so your life is fuller and more contented in lots of ways? Can you wean yourself onto going to the gym three times a week, going to see a film with mates once a week, or to an evening class or book club or choir or anything that gets you out into the world with people who share your interests, doing things that makes you feel good?

Can you wean yourself onto some home projects - redecorating or decluttering or mending/upcycling etc and really focus on enjoying them?

It sounds like you've become obsessed with him to the exclusion of anything else in life and that's unhealthy for you as well as probably very unappealing to him. You need your own life back on your own terms and then to decide whether you want to be with him.