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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother broke his girlfriends arm

26 replies

PuppyDogsTails · 13/04/2007 16:00

They have a 6mo dd, they got into an argument in the middle of the night, they pushed each other around, she fell and now has her wrist in plaster. They have always been quite physical with each other, she has blacked his eye more than once.
They live 2 hours drive from me but 15 mins from our mum, who is close to them, but they havnt told her or anybody else that he pushed her. Looking at this in black and white, I have to report this but I dont want to jeapodise my relationship with my brother, or split up their family, the baby loves her daddy and they are good together 99% of the time.
What should I do?

OP posts:
hoolagirl · 13/04/2007 16:02

Stay out of it unless the child is in danger.
Hopefully this will make them realise that physical is not the way to go.

OrvilleRedenbacher · 13/04/2007 16:02

no
you cnar break an arm in error cna you?

Iklboo · 13/04/2007 16:02

If you report it they'll probably deny it to the police/social services - then it's your word against theirs

SugaryBits · 13/04/2007 16:02

Personally, I would stay out of it. Unless you feel that the child is at risk.

Ifonlyhewould · 13/04/2007 16:03

I appreciate your concern but i don't really tink it's up to you to report anything. If your brothers gf isn't going to make a complaint and is happy to live in this situation then it really is her business. If the baby gets hurt in anyway then thats a different matter. Then i would say you had a right and a duty to step in.

custy · 13/04/2007 16:04

anony report to social services.

maybe a social worker visit might make the stupid shits grow the fuck up a bit

tissy · 13/04/2007 16:04

why do you have to report this, and to whom?

this is their business, and unless you have evidence that the child is in danger, none of yours.

You say "she fell"- that may be all it was- a fall during an argument rather than a direct blow.

custy · 13/04/2007 16:05

i think you should

i think we all should now as a society say " no its not right"

we've heard the adverts on the telly and the radio about the neighbour who ignores the wife beating next door.

well although this is 6 of one half dozen of t'other doesn't make it right

report social services

OrvilleRedenbacher · 13/04/2007 16:06

agree

woemn are hopelesss in stiutations liek this
make you ashamed to be a woman when you hear them" oh but i love him"
oh fark orf

Tigana · 13/04/2007 16:10

so the baby wasn't hurt - physically - but it's not going to be good to grow up in environemnt where mum and dad knock seven shades of shite out of each other is it.

So she hits him too..doesn't make it all okay...still domestic violence, by both partners.

Ifonlyhewould · 13/04/2007 16:21

Could you not talk to them both? Tell them you think things are getting out of hand and if they don't make an effort to calm their behaviour you will report them both, not just for their own sakes but for the babies sake too. Maybe the realisation of their behaviour will hit home then.

tigerschick · 13/04/2007 16:34

I agree, ifonlyheknew. Let them know that you are concerned, for them and their child. If you rush in it will probably end up with your relationship with them becoming very difficult.

Ifonlyhewould · 13/04/2007 16:37

Well my bet is that they would deny everything and protect each other so you would be the one that ended up the bad guy. I wouldnt risk getting alienated from their family just in case you need to step in at a later date.

Londonmamma · 13/04/2007 16:50

How about you say you need to talk to both of them and make a set time to do it. Tell them you love them and their daughter, you are very worried they are going to seriously hurt each other and you couldn't bear to think of your neice growing up in a violent home. Ask if they would consider getting counselling. Have the necessary info. with you to give them.

If they get shirty and defensive, justleave and say you'll be in touch.

Then, by phone or letter, tell them that if there is another incident you will report them to Social Services.

Londonmamma · 13/04/2007 16:51

Ifonlyhewould has said the same thing - crossed posts.

Original poster
PuppyDogsTails · 13/04/2007 17:01

Thank you for all your advice. I think that this time I will speak to them and let them know how serious I think this is, and that the next time I will tell social services. They are growing up fast, and their relationship has had massive strains on it placed by baby, housing and lack of money.
I hate the thought of my niece growing up in a house where this happens regularly, but they have done well to stay together in difficult circs. Also without my family's input she would have no support network which she and the baby both benefit from.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 13/04/2007 17:10

I wouldnt report it yet - i would take my brother to one side and talk to him though, tell him you're ashamed of his behaviour and how would he feel if someone teated his daughter like that? Tell him if they dont sort it out (perhaps suggest counselling for them both as a couple) then he will end up being a part time dad because she wont put up with it forever and neither will he and his dd will grow up not being as close to him - she may end up not seeing him at all.

She is in the wrong too of course she is but unless you are good friends with her i would suggest perhaps your mum having a one to one chat with her.

LoveMyGirls · 13/04/2007 17:12

I wouldnt say you will tell social services - say that the hospital may tell them.

If you say you will tell them they may start hiding stuff from you and he might get defensive and instead of accepting your advice and help they may get worse.

madmarchhare · 13/04/2007 17:17

I agree that you should speak with your brother. Make it clear that you will not 'cover' for him again. Make him understand what it could mean.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 13/04/2007 17:19

Talk to her as well - let her know how you feel about the situation and that if she ever needs someone to talk to, etc you're there for her.

warthog · 13/04/2007 18:15

i think you should do something. talk to them and report them if this carries on. it's serious. she might not be in a position to do anythign about it.

WideWebWitch · 13/04/2007 18:30

I'm with the report him crowd
breaking your partner's arm is abuse. He needs someone to stop him. Who cares about 99% of the time if 1% of the time he HURTS her?

nightowl · 13/04/2007 19:03

firstly i dont agree with the people who say as long as the baby is in no danger then you should keep out.

it is incredibly damaging for a child to witness their parents being violent towards each other, even if the child is not being physically hurt...its terrifying for them, and ok..a six month old wont remember it but this is a horrible atmosphere for her to grow up in and it could go on for YEARS.

i dont think reporting or threatening to is a great idea at the moment either. it could be that you end up not finding out about what's been going on, and then you cant help in the future.

i do think 100% that you should talk to them about it though, and take it from there. what they are doing now, should it continue could have a really awful effect on that child and shape the way she thinks and behaves for the future.

Londonmamma · 13/04/2007 19:29

what nightowl said

warthog · 14/04/2007 12:03

what have you decided to do puppydogstails?

having thought about it more, i strongly feel that by doing nothing you are condoning his actions. i would have a word and then depending on his reaction, take it further.

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