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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Alcohol ruining our marriage

20 replies

Lipandblush · 27/10/2017 17:07

I have been wit my husband for nearly 17 years, married for the past 9, we have a child aged 5.

My husband goes to the pub every single day without fail sometimes even twice a day e.g he will get home at 6 go to the pub till 7 return home have dinner, then will probably go out at about 9.30/10 for another hour. When he is at home between these times he will pour a glass of wine or open a can of beer. So he drinks 7 days a week without fail!
He has always liked alcohol and a good drink but the past few years it has got more and more. I feel it's totally distroying our family life and marriage. I don't like being intimate with him as he is either drunk or smells so bad of alcohol!
I drink maybe once or twice a year and it will only be a glass of wine at a time because even the smallest amount makes me feel unwell so it's not worth it.
My biggest concearn is our little one, it breaks my heart knowing that he is surrounded by alcohol and that he probably sees it as a normal way of life. I myself grew up in a family surrounded by alcohol and it was not a happy child hood.
I must stress that in no way is my husband abusive towards me when he drinks just crashes out and doesn't make any conversation. It has caused some serious money issues and he has spent our past savingings and kept it a secret. When I found out I was devestated but as I wanted to be a supportive and dedicated wife I forgave him and tried to help him change his ways. This lasts for about a week then goes back to normal. It has ruined friendships of mine.
I feel so so lonely in our marriage I just don't know what to do for the best. It has come to a head many times and I have been clear how I feel about it, he has promised to change, reduce the alcohol and get help but never does! He sees me as a total nag and says all he wants to do is relax and have some time out. I have asked him so many times is he unhappy with me or our life he just says no.
I am so so worried about our future and frightened it will only get worse as time goes on and when we are retired from work all he will want to do is drink. It already dominates our days off together as he is grumpy until he gets a drink.
Has anyone else got a partner that drinks so much alcohol?
I would be so grateful for any advise.
Thank you

OP posts:

Movablefeast · 27/10/2017 17:29

He is an alcoholic - have you and he acknowledged that?

Changerofname987654321 · 27/10/2017 17:31

He must hardly see your child and you can’t have much of a relationship.

You should contact Alanon.

pleasingone · 27/10/2017 17:34

He is an alcoholic. Until he acknowledges that and wants to change nothing will change for the better. You sound like a very supportive partner. I hope you can get help and support and work it out.

Topseyt · 27/10/2017 17:34

He sounds like an alcoholic. He needs to admit that he actually has a problem and want to change it before anything will really change.

grannysmiff · 27/10/2017 17:37

He is an alcoholic. Not "hes likes a drink", but an alcoholic. Say it to yourself out loud. Accept it and start doing your research. Start from there.

Nainer123 · 27/10/2017 17:39

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic to me. Unless he is willing to get help it'll more than likely get worse (start drinking during the days on days off then snowball from there) I grew up with an alcoholic dad and it was very embarrassing I hated havig friends over and would avoid it at all costs. It'll start effecting your child a lot more as he gets older ie after school things parents nights school discos ECT ECT. His dad turning up with a drink in him will be very very embarrassing. He might say that won't happen but trust me if he can't stop now it'll get worse.
I'm not sure what ths answer is for you other than if you can cope with it then leave if he's not willing to get help because it'll get worse. You'll start getting resentful too. It won't be a good atmosphere for you or your child. I speak from experience having been in your child's position

Original poster

Lipandblush · 27/10/2017 18:52

Thank you everyone for your advise and support. I agree he is definitely an alcoholic. I have told him this but of course he denies it and like someone said "he just likes a drink".
I think I know the answer to my own question but it makes me feel so much better hearing it from others and that it isn't just me being unreasonable.
I think I have already started to resent him as I have tried so so hard to help. I have even offered to help and go to the doctors or support groups with him and have told him all while he tries his best I'll be here for him. Unfortunately I don't think this is going to happen and I will have to make a very drastic move to show him I'm serious that I want things to change and how unhappy I am. I have been living the past few years living my life with a painted on smile and that's really starting to take it's toll on me.
What I do know is that I absolutely have to put my little boy first and do what's best for him in the long term. I do not want him to have an alcoholic father like my father was - nothing scares me more 😢.
He hardly spends anytime with us but now when he does spend time with us I almost don't want him to as I know he is on edge until he goes to the pub. I have found myself saying just go to the pub if it means you will be happier - that's no right on my part.
I now need to find the inner strength and do what's right.

OP posts:

Movablefeast · 27/10/2017 18:58

Lipandblush you may have unconsciously chosen someone with behavior familiar to you. Focus on getting support for yourself, not him.

fc301 · 27/10/2017 18:59

You are so right. Whilst it’s wonderful that you have been endlessly supportive do be clear that the ONLY person who can accept responsibility and effect change is him. Good luck 💐

Prictoriafeckam · 27/10/2017 19:59

Dear OP, he is lucky to have you by his side. Does his social life happen at the pub? Can he, have you asked him, to not drink for a couple of days, or a week? I expect you have told him you are concerned for his health and want him to be around to see his son grow up.

Original poster

Lipandblush · 27/10/2017 20:25

This is my first time posting here and I'm so overwhelmed with the support - thank you all.
When it all came to a head about 3 months ago he promised he would have 3 days a week where he would stay home and drink low alcohol only (to be alcohol free is unrealistic at this point) and also limit pub visits to once a day. He stuck to this for about a week but slipped back pretty quick.
Yes definitely gone down the health route, he seemed to take that on for a bit and downloaded a good app that monitored his units of alcohol but again couldn't stick to it.
I think that's a fair point about seeing his son grown up and having a healthy dad. I have spoken about this in the past but maybe I need to a bit more blunt. I think as I have been trying to be supportive and not push him away I have been a bit kind. Maybe for all our sakes I need to be more direct x

OP posts:

Prictoriafeckam · 27/10/2017 21:33

I'm no expert, but my feeling is that cutting down might be harder than cutting out. The good intentions melt away after the first drink. Sorry to ask this again, but I'm still wondering; does he go to the pub to socialise? Is that a strong draw or is he going there to avoid his family? I would ask him to aim for having one alcohol-free day a week to start with, to give his liver a holiday and stress the health angle, which I know you have done already.

Original poster

Lipandblush · 27/10/2017 22:58

Yes I'm sure that is harder.
He does have a few people who are regulars down the pub that he sits and chats to so I think he does see this as his social time.
Many times I have asked him that very question - is it to get away from his family? Is he happy at home? Would be prefer the life of a singleton where he can go to the pub as much as he likes and no questions asked? His answer is always its not to get away from us and he wants a married family life. I suspect he drinks more down the pub than he can do at home. Who knows??

OP posts:

Movablefeast · 28/10/2017 07:28

It's because that's where you go to drink alcohol, it's expected and no one will ask questions about your drinking.

He goes there because he is an alcoholic.

springydaffs · 28/10/2017 10:13

He is an alcoholic. He drinks alcohol bcs he is addicted to alcohol, not bcs eg the pub gives him a social life. He drinks alcohol in the pub bcs noone asks any questions. He is an alcoholic.

Alcoholism, any addiction, gets worse. His first love is alcohol. It comes before you and his boy, hands down, no contest. Alcohol is his first and last love. All he is concerned about is getting it and drinking it in peace.

Go to Al Anon. You must. You will never win this battle against his addiction, you are puny against it. He has to want to put it down but, so far, he simply doesn't want to do that. All your training and pleading is white noise to him - he's only integrated in drinking in peace.

springydaffs · 28/10/2017 10:14

*reasoning not training

Dapplegrey2 · 28/10/2017 10:18

Op, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
Please go to alanon - you will get help there.

Bekabeech · 28/10/2017 10:26

I think you should go to Alanon to get support and information on what you are really looking at. Sorry.

another20 · 29/10/2017 11:19

I do not want him to have an alcoholic father like my father was - nothing scares me more 😢.

You do know that this is what your DS has already experienced all his life to date? On top of this he has also experienced a mother who is distressed and distracted from her child by trying to manage the alcoholic.

How did your mother and fathers relationship pan out? How was it for you as a child growing up? You will live some version of this.

Alanon teach "detached love" where you have to extricate yourself emotionally and practically from him. He needs to feel the full consequences of his choices. This is his journey and it is up to him if and when he changes. Once you start to live like this you will be free of the battle and can divert that emotional energy and wasted time to nourish yourself and your son.

I am so sorry that you and your son have this burden to bear.

pointythings · 29/10/2017 12:07

OP, you are me. I gave my H 6.5 years of my life, then last July I gave him an ultimatum: the booze or his family. He went into rehab. Came out two weeks ago. Came home with my DDs (much older then yours) after a night away to find him drunk, an empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack, tins hidden outside the house. So now we are over. Going to start the ball rolling tomorrow, and I'm telling the family. You need to do the same. Get support from Al-Anon or similar and start preparing for life without him. It will be better.

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