Is this just a phase I’m going through?

[user1497225361]

My little girl turns 1 this weekend. I went back to work part time when she was 6 months old and I also responsible for sorting everything at home; cleaning, laundry, cooking, childcare, administration etc. My husband does the odd thing to help but has no regular chores, apart from cutting the lawn and sorting any car related things out. I have expressed that it’s exhausting doing all I do, usually from 6am til 11pm I’m on the go. I’m finding this slightly easier now the baby only wakes once in the night, if that. Husband has started to help with the odd thing but he has much more free time than I and goes to the gym a few nights a week and plays a round of golf maybe once per week. Anyway I’m digressing, my problem is that I feel very distant from my husband. I’m not sure if it’s just because I feel tired much of the time. Since mid pregnancy, I completely lost my libido. I could count on one hand, the times since then that I have actually wanted to be intimate. A difficult birth probably exasperated this; we didn’t have sex for a few month after and then it was uncomfortable and felt horrible. Now I would consider I’m back to normal “down there”, it isn’t painful to have sex now. Last week, my husband started stroking me in bed - this is usually how he initiates sex! I pretended it was tickling me, as I was flinching, but actually it was making me shudder. Is this a normal thing to be experiencing, due to tiredness perhaps? To be honest my husband and I don’t pay each other that much attention now, half the time we barely listen to what the other is saying. We spend our evenings glued to our mobile phones hardly speaking to one another. He hints on picking issues with my family and I do the same with his (Albeit his mum only as the rest of his family are ace). Have I fallen out of love or is this just a stage of parenthood? Advice please xx

Anyway I’m digressing, my problem is that I feel very distant from my husband. I’m not sure if it’s just because I feel tired much of the time.

You aren't digressing, this seems to be the core. You are working all hours, he is doing sweet FA, you are rightfully tired and resentful. It's hardly surprising that you don't feel loving towards him. You need and absolutely scary, sobering, assertive talk to him, that unless you end up with the same hours of relaxation in a week, it is going to spell the end of the relationship.

I think it's more a stage. It's normal for your libido to be off now, both from exhaustion and because your DD is just a year old.

I would have a talk with hubby about both the libido issue and the fact that you need to make the balance of free time fairer. Some men just do not feel confident with infant care. Teach him if you need to.

You can work through this and reconnect, but both of you have to make the effort, and he needs to step up more on the day to day sorting.

The biggest turn on is a dh who bloody pulls his weight. Nothing sexier than cleaning houseTOGETHER!!. You can't be close in bed if not close during the day. Confront him. Pull back from doing everything and leave stuff to him.

I wouldn't fancy someone who was happy to see me working myself to the bone from 6am-11pm and does absolutely nothing to lighten the load, but Swans off to the gym or goes for a round of golf. I mean, and a major YUK. I wouldn't fancy someone like that one tiny bit.

You have to stop talking about, or thinking about, it that he's 'helping'. It's his house and daughter, he is an adult. We'd all like a maid but not many get one: don't be his maid.

Look at it like a houseshare, you each do your chores, you each pull your weight. Look at it like a houseshare be it is a houseshare.

Guaranteed you'll fancy him much more when you're not dog tired and he's pulling his weight.

Thanks guys. Like everyone says, we need to sit down and talk about the situation... I’m so bad at doing that sort of thing and that’s why I’ve been putting it off but deep down I know it’s the only way to sort this. Suppose the answer is that our relationship can only be salvaged if he’s prepared to help a little more. He has had a stressful year, his father passed away a few months ago, and that’s perhaps also why I’ve delayed action. Husbands attitude worsened when his dad got really sick (cancer) so I thought the stress of that along with having a young baby crying in the night was the reason for him to be at that point very distant and almost angry. When baby woke him in the night (I was the one going to see to her), he used to say things like, “I can’t go to work (engineer) on such little sleep, I’m going to have to quit my job and find a job stacking shelves instead”. He is no longer that bad but it was really hurtful when he went into a rage; it made me feel very little and helpless.

Ugh. What a revolting man attitude. Ugh, really unattractive. It is no wonder you don't have any interest in being close to him.

We all have really hard and painful stuff in our lives. Doesn't mean we can't do the basics of self care - which includes onerous chores no one likes doing, otherwise we turn into pigs.

Let him get his shelf stacking job. Yuk. He's lucky be has you and dad. You're not something he has to put up with. He's not king of the castle.

Talking of which, have you done the Freedom Programme? All women should imo.

I find that since having a baby the way I feel about oh is much more effected by the amount of things he does in the home than pre baby. I get quite resentful when I’m doing everything and he has more free time which then impacts on how I feel about him and whether I want to have sex etc.
I’d get him on board with doing his share at home and look for some opportunities to spend a bit of time just you two. We don’t manage it often but I always feel our relationship is a bit refreshed after that. Going out as a family can be a bit hit or miss depending on the baby’s mood but I find going for lunch or coffee where we sit and chat rather than be home all day helps too. It all sounds obvious but it’s quite hard work to actually manage sometimes.

It's a combination: exhaustion, hormones, feeling like a completely different person now, and resentment. Your life has completely changed because of having a baby - has his really? You do everything for the baby, he does the bare minimum, that's not attractive. It took til mine were 13 months to get my drive back and it's still coming and going so that's also a factor.

Going through pregnancy and childbirth is a huge physical stress on your body. Women naturally have lower libido for an extended time after having a baby because it's not a good idea to get pregnant and go through the whole ordeal again too soon.