Looking for advice from DGPs ...

[FGSholdthedoor]

I'm a fairly young mum (early-mid 20s) my parents also had me quite early and as a result my DM and DF are also quite young DGPs (mid 40s). Growing up I was quite close to them and there was always a lot of inclination that I was going to be close to them (especially DM) when I had my own children etc and I know they always wanted to be hands on DGPs.

Over time due to certain events our relationship has become quite strained and we are trying to work on this.
I see them once a week, sometimes once every 2 as they both work and I sometimes have other commitments but I usually work it around the days they have off. They get a good 5hours or more with DS on those days.
DS does not sleep over and does not spend time alone with them I.e. They don't babysit. They keep subtly bringing it up and hinting at wanting to do that with him but due to past events this will not happen and they pretty much know this.
However, I find it really hard to be blunt with them when addressing the subject as it would strain our relationship even more and they will jump to conclusions - I need help with this.

Last week I saw them mid week and also went out for a meal with them and DS on Sunday as my DH was away (I wouldn't usually do Sunday's if DH is home as its out family day). My DM just got a pay rise and wanted to treat us all and asked to pay and it was a nice enough afternoon apart from my DF being critical of most things which I found odd.
I got home and texted DM to thank her for the meal, she sent a text back asking if DS slept in the car on the way back (he was upset and cranky and didn't want to get in the car seat when we were leaving), I said he was fine as soon as we set off. She then text saying "you should come more often with DS".
I didn't reply.
I feel like there isn't a reply I can send that will not aggravate the situation.
I also feel a bit deflated as I thought things were going ok but they keep hinting at wanting more.
I have since sent them pics of DS at the zoo as we went recently, they have seen them but not replied.

They feel they do not see DS enough and don't get enough time alone with him.
Last time my DF mentioned a good shopping centre where you could buy lots of lovely stuff for DS at good prices but it's far away so they would need to "go overnight and it's hard to buy clothes for DS without him trying them on" - I.e. a hint at wanting to potentially take DS away for a weekend.
It's just awkward...

If you're a DGP - how often do you see your DGCs? And do you think I'm being unreasonable with sticking to what me and DH want to do?
Is it unfair that they only see DS once a week?
How do I manage this?

Sorry this post is a lot longer than intended and I've already cut lots out...
Any replies are appreciated.

Personally I think once per week is an awful lot of time to spend with a grandchild.

My parents live a few hours away and they see my kids once every two months or so and Skype once a week/fortnight.

I saw my grandparents about every two months or so too.

I guess if they lived closer it would be easier to pop over for an hour or so, but people have lives and commitments and other things to do, rather than endlessly traipse to see grandparents/grandchildren.

In your case, your mother is well ware of the situation and where she stands. Her hints and texts are attempts to put you under pressure and in turn cause issues in your marriage.

If you insist on maintaining a relationship with them, I would ignore all those texts and hints and just breeze past it.

If questioned directly then you will have to say no, but as she’s only hinting at the moment, ignoring it is the easiest way to avoid conflict

are these the parents who were 'working' for your dp's company but allowed their alcoholism to affect their work, thereby 'bankrupting' your dh.....and then they insisted on redundancy payments despite knowing it was leaving you and the dc in an extremely difficult financial position?

If they are - i hope you understand now why you were advised to go extremely low contact or completely no contact with them?
It will never end........they'll keep picking away at you until you either give in, have a breakdown or call time on your marriage.

This is clearly a very difficult situation and your stained relationship is at the heart of it. I will ask one question then tell you a bit about our situation.

What is best for your child?

I had/have a poor relationship with my farther and step mother (birth mother died when I was young) and moved 300 miles away at 25 and got married, inheriting two fantastic children at the same time. Shortly after along came my own daughter - now 24, and it was unusual if my farther/step mum saw her more than once per year due to the distance, work commitments and cost etc. I think she missed out on having a relationship with her grandfather and so does she and so does he. No one wins. Now currently, eldest step daughter (37) lives with us with her 2 year old son, our grandson. She had a relationship breakdown while pregnant and we have all lived communally since. Our 24 year old daughter and her boy friend also live with us as well. We are fortunate to have a house just about big enough to manage this

We see grandson each and every day and as I type he is sleeping next to me. We play, we bake, we change nappies, read , clean, go to the shops and even let mum escape for the odd weekend alone to catch her breath and we do this all together each and ever day. I have had the honour and privilege of watching this little chap grow on a daily basis. Its not all good fun, he's been unwell for the past few days and I have dealt with vomit and snot and the grumps like it was never going to end, while mum was at work. But I now realise what my farther missed out on and I realise that my relationship with my grandson will always be incredibly close and special because we are there for him and his mum every day.

Each situation is unique and you have to carefully examine what has happened in your life and with your parents, but look closely at what is in the interest of your son. Don't let him miss out due to adult stuff that doesn't concern him.

Hope you get this resolved.

I’m a grandparent but it’s obvious there is way more past history than you’ve disclosed on this tread.

I think the 'right' level of contact with your parents is whatever you feel comfortable with. So, if you are comfortable with the current amount of time, then that's that!

Hints are PA behaviour, ignore them no matter how pointed they are. Unless they actually ask you a direct question, say nothing and make no response to their hints. Not answering your mother's 'we'd love to see more of you and ds' text was absolutely the right thing to do. You don't want to spend more time there but to say that would do nothing but cause a scene. So the right thing was to stay silent. Same thing with your dad's comment re shopping. Until they actually ask directly, say nothing.

As far as your parents and your DH, I don't know your story but it sounds as if your DH has a very good reason for the way he feels. If your parents start in on him just say "I'm not going to discuss DH with you. If you keep this up, DS and I will leave". Then do it.

Somehow you've got to break this 'hold' they have on you that makes you fear their reactions to you standing up for yourself and your DH. Have you considered counseling?

@AcrossthePond55 I have been to a few counselling sessions yes.

I have massively broken the hold over the last months - obviously it's been perceived as me taking sides/changing /"being different" and not being myself etc
My DM seems to think I just blindly listen to DH but I know any attempts at getting them to understand my perspective would be in vain as we have such different views on things.
however one thing I'm really not wanting to do is have a huge fallout. It's already strained even though it doesn't really get talked about as any previous tries just made it worse.

To the posters that said they used to spend lots of time with their DGPs - I did too. We lived with my DFs DPs for a couple of years and also with DMs DPs for a similar amount of time whilst they were getting on their feet when we were little, we had very frequent contact with both sides, lots of sleepovers, full days there etc I loved it but I've realised they used to override what my DM and DF wanted for us sometimes too.
I recall my DGF would call me into their house on the way home from school, they would feed me dinner and sweets, let me run riot and not let my DM know that I was at their house until she called to ask - that was a frequent occurrence. But DM let them do it and never stood up for herself even though she didn't like it.

however one thing I'm really not wanting to do is have a huge fallout.

I think that you need to realize that, to a great extent, this is beyond your control. If your parents decide to be offended or cause a scene because of something you or DH have said or done, there's not much you can do about it. But I think you know that 'keeping the peace' by giving in to them or tiptoeing around them to avoid such a scene is definitely NOT the way to go!

That's why I think you should continue with counseling. I think (and I may be wrong) that you're still seeking those 'magic words' that will stop your parents and make them realize that they are hurting you by their actions. That's not going to happen. It'll never happen. So I think you need to try to find your peace with that. And the tools to deal with the fallout when you do. Because finding your peace will mean that you stand up to them and say 'no more of your shit!'.

I'm so sorry you're so caught in the middle in this! But your DH is right and your parents are wrong.

I'm sorry you are still having to deal with these kind of issues.
I'm not a GP but I am a mother.
I love my parents and trust them completely with my kids but they still don't get over night stays with them. There is absolutely no need for it and until my kids are old enough to ask me to sleep over then I won't even be considering it.
Some weeks I will see my mum and sister every other day and then I'll have a week or two where I won't see them at all, it's whatever I fancy doing and what works for everyone's schedule. Some times my mum will sulk because it's been a while but she gets over it.

If you want to keep this relationship going I think you might need to be brace and be blunt with them. Tell them you aren't ready for sleepovers as there is no need for them and you will let them know when you change your mind so they do not need to bring it up again. As for seeing them I would stop doing it regularly and just let them know you have a lot going on so you will try and fit it in with everyone's schedules but it's not going to be a routine thing.
As for a shopping trip there is no need for that, I can't imagine dragging a toddler around a shop and forcing them to try on things is going to be a happy experience.

If it comes it to remind them you are the parent and if they don't like your decisions then they don't have to be a part of your life. You are doing what's best for your family.

Hope it gets easier for you

I'm a GP and see far too little of my DGS's in my opinion.

In the past we had eldest every other week, Saturday lunch till Sunday afternoon. Work schedules and distance don't allow for drop in visits, so we have all been quite intentional to keep this schedule. Since DGS2 came on the scene things have been less regular by far. Major illness and deaths in the family mainly. I feel terribly guilty that this little guy has missed out, as have we. Could not be helped but still. We are determined to get back on a more regular schedule, and are moving closer to them so will be able to have shorter more frequent visits.

My maternal GPs were very much in our lives and we saw them at least once a week. Those relationships were some of the most important in my life and I still reflect on how much they influenced who I am today.

That last sentence. If the influence is not what you want your DC to have, hold strong. Limit contact. Don't make compromises. You are not making trouble, but preventing it.

💐

@2017SoFarSoGood thank you for the advice.

Unfortunately as much as DS adores his DGPs (especially DGF) I'm not certain of what influence it will have on him overtime.
I used to think my DF was a knight in shining armour and my DM the best mum in the world.
In my teens those rose coloured glasses started to fall off as I saw them drunk (not often but when they drank it would be extreme), fighting and my DM throwing the worst insults she could think of at my DF in front of us or within our earshot, we had a close relationship and could talk about anything but I realised that the things they sometimes minimised and laughed about were actually big issues (such as my DF fighting on nights out) and their advice was mostly just off.

@Handsfull13 thank you. I just don't think I could deal with being questioned and then have to listen to hints of how "hurt" they are. If I say "I'm busy" it gets countered with "why? What with? Well then what about this day? Well if you've got an appt we can take DS if you want" etc etc it's constant dodging.
It's worse because none of my family would actually understand where I'm coming from...

It's up to you, and your DP. There are no rules about this sort of thing!

We have a DS. We don't see DP's father at all as they have no relationship (NC). We see DP's mum about twice a year for lunch, due to difficulty of travelling to where she lives and expense of visiting (hotel, we pay everything, etc - to take her out for lunch ends up costing us about £300 ).

We see my DPs fortnightly. My DM is a very active and involved grandparent and has looked after DS for two days a fortnight since we both went back to work. They live 2.5 hours away, as do most of my other relatives (siblings, grandparent), who I visit every couple of months.

On the surface, it looks really unfair. But logistically, it's easier to visit my family, they have the relationship with DS and we can stay there (we have a cot bed for him, etc). We can't stay at DP's Mum's and we only see her if we travel to her - she has mobility issues but also doesn't really see why she should leave her own house to see DS. If she lived nearer, we'd see more of her, but it's just difficult.

I feel guilty that we don't see more of her but as we will always have to make 95% of the effort in both time and money, I can't really see an alternative.

As a child, I saw my grandparents twice a week and they were very much part of my daily life. Distance does complicate things though.

I get what you mean @BewareOfTheToddler
My parents found it unfair as we would rely on my in laws for childcare.
They felt that in laws got to be "proper" DGPs and they don't.
However they don't see the context:

• my parents live 25-30mins away each way (nearly an hour round trip). In laws live literally a minute away by car so it makes sense logistically
• I used to work evenings so we only needed childcare for about 1/1.5hrs at a time between me going to work and DH coming back not days/hours at a time
• also DH said he will not collect DS from my DMs house 1) it's out of his way (he would have to detour from work to my DPs city and then back home) 2) he doesn't want to see them or have to interact with them 3) and obviously not to mention the fact DH is in no way comfortable with them having DS on their own

Yeah, there is no way my MIL would be able to look after a child! And that would be assuming she had the inclination and it was practical. Ultimately, as harsh as it sounds, we have to manage seeing relatives and friends, working, running a home, and generally having a life. So if we are the ones who have to make all the running, it will be done, to a large degree, on our terms.

But it's difficult if you're not on the same page. That sounds really tricky for you, it seems as though you're a buffer between your DH and DPs?