Is it my fault? Can someone help? (a long message, sorry)

[EnglishTeeth]

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet though I've visited a few times before and everyone seems really great and sensible, perhaps someone could give me some advice?
I'm just feeling a bit upset, my DH and my family have a bad relationship with each other. They've never liked him or wanted me to marry him but have always tried to be polite and friendly to him in the past, I suppose hoping things would improve. However, things have really gone downhill since I had PND after DS was born (now 22 months). I feel loads better but while I was ill their relationship got worse and now my parents and sister won't have DH in their houses. They've been to ours and tried to be nice but he just mutters and goes out. Obviously this doesn't help.
I just spoke to him on the phone and he says that I should go back into therapy because I'm allowing my family to push me around and to exclude him and I need to learn to stand up to them. I also need to learn how to see things from his point of view and how they really are. I'm worried that I'm still not well and that because I can't see things from others' point of view and just get so immersed in looking after DS that I have made things worse between them. I'm sitting at my desk at work trying not to cry so I'd really appreciate it if one of you brilliant people could help me see sense and work out what to do to make it all right!
Sorry, I've gone on for far too long there, well done if you've got to the end!

Don't mean to be nosey but -
What are the issues here?
ther must be historical reasons why they don't get on?
either way, very simplistically, you are in the middle and all other parties are being very selfish to leave you pulled in all directions and very unsupportive

It all sounds very upsetting fpr you, and i'm sorry.

Why don't they like him and why didn't they want you to marry him? Can you see any basis in thier objections? You are fully entitled to love him, and want to marry him, whilst at the same time understanding that he might not be everyon's choice. In a supportive, tolerant family, they would recognise that and support your love for him, whatever thier own views - unless they suspect that he is seriously 'bad news' - abusive, or something.

Secondly - they are all adults. It is not your job to make all adults like each other. Can you relax and shrug your shoulders and say 'ok, you don't like him, he's gone out'. You don't have to be piggy in the middle - although I can see it mmust be very awkward at times.

Is your DH trying to control you at all? telling you your family push you around? If you can nderstand that adults have different likes etc, he needs to be able to do that too.

What do you really think in your heart of hearts, about your own need for therapy etc? Listen to yourself before you listen to anyone else!!

I'd really like to offer help, but to be honest, you need to put a bit more background/examples in.

How necessary is it for your DH and family to have anything to do with each other? Do you all live in the same part of the country?

I agree with 'escape'. As I read your message, I was so angry with your family and your dh for putting so much pressure on you when you need love, support, patience. It is very selfish, although I can probably understand your dh more (without knowing the circumstances) as he is 1 against many.

There must be a lot more history here ie. why they don't like him. But you are married and have a child with him, and they should try to be nice to him. In my opinion, they should also make the first move. I would speak to someone in your family that you feel close to, and make them see that this situation within the family is very bad for your health. Don't make it about dh or his demands, but just for YOUR sake, can they not resolve matters.

really sorry, my original post reads rather clinical, just wanted aclaerer picture to be able to give advice. i'm sorry your hurting and you are def. doing the right thing by posting, there will be lots of lovely sensible advice coming forth, I'm sure

english teeth, it sounds awful. I do think therapy would help though. You should not be put in this situation by either of them. None of this is YOUR fault. Of course you are immersed with ds, hes your son and you love him. See a counsellor though as it will help you get YOUR head straight

I think that GamePointGary has made a good point: therapy or counselling doesn't have to be because anything is 'your fault' or there is anything 'wrong' with you - but to help you understand and sort out what your own needs and priorities are, in the midst of everyone else teling you what you 'ought' and 'should' do. It does sound as if everyone except you is behaving less than helpfully!

Sorry, you're right, reading it again there isn't much info there. The problem my family have with DH is that when he first came to my parents' house (was dragged unwillingly by me, as I recall!)they found him rude and silent and that he made no secret of the fact he didn't want to be there.
DH has always said he finds it odd that I don't have 'much' contact with my family, they don't ring up very often, when I was ill with PND my dad didn't visit. They do live 100 miles away though so it's not easy. I know that this isn't what he's used to but I've always found it OK. I can accept that I've been quite depressed for a lot of years which has made me isolate myself but as far as I know my family are fine with me now and we have a good relationship. We're just not in and out of each others houses.
DH and I have arranged to go to Relate about this and I thought that would be good but now I think that the problem maybe just lies with me! I don't know what to do! Sorry, I've rambled on again.

being quiet and aloof at a first meeting is hardly reason for a long standing dispute between them. Are they flippant with other people too?

I did mean what Blu said btw. A counsellor will help you deal with them all better

I think you have an answer then, Blu and GPG are trully correct in suggesting you turn o some kind of outside 'talking therapy' counselling/life coaching etc to simply unravel the myriad of emotions evnts and history in your head right now, and you will begin to see things much more clearly and enable yourself to move on to the next stage

I think it's great you're going to something together. They should be able to clarify things for you, and it's good if your dh is actually there rather than you reporting back to him. Your dh sounds co-operative at least in this area. He is probably very hurt by your family's treatment of him, and has thus over-reacted.

Personally I think your family are being a 'bit' harsh on him:

They won't have him in their house because he was a bit silent the first time they met him!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT????????

Probably good they live 100 miles away tbh.

Sorry, I am probably not being very gentle or helpful, but I am very cross with them (unless you are playing your dh's behaviour down, but still...)/

I do hope Relate can help...or if not them, some other counselling you do together would be great.

I really do feel for you. It's horrible i know. My Dp and parents haven't spoken or seen each other about 2.5 yrs. TBH, I've had enough, the dc are starting to ask why Dp isn't coming to grannies, Granny and granda send cards only addressed to me and the boys. The eldest is learning to read! I have no clear advice to give you and i do hope i'll find something off this thread that may make a difference. I have muddled through, I see my parents when DP is a work. I talk about dp to my parents and vice versa. Neither says anything bad about the other to me. thank god. This I wouldn't allow to happen anyway. I think i did mention this to both parties way back.

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. You're right, some kind of therapy (Relate or other) is the way to go. Just writing it here for all of you has helped start to straighten out my thoughts. I might see if I can find some way of getting them all along to some kind of mediation - they can thrash it all out while I go to the shops!
Thanks so much again

It does sound as they all think they can behave as they like and heap it all on you to sort out.It does sound as if your DH was downright rude and graceless when he visited - he had no business to 'punish' you by being silent to them just because he may have felt dragged. And they certainly have not behaved helpfully to you by taking it so personally and turning a bad beginning into a feud.
Don't doubt your own mind / abilities so much - it sounds as if you are the only one with sense and good behaviour!

TwirlyN, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It is horrible to be in and I'm sending you virtual love and support! I'm lucky at the moment that DS is still too tiny to understand (though DH thinks he does), it must be awful when they're old enought to begin to suspect what's going on when all we want to do is give them a happy family community! Lots of love, I hope that the fact that your children are older now might make them address this and sort out their relationship.

unfortunatly the only way I can see this changing, is if DP apologises to my Dad. I have said this to him, and he has said he will apologise in his own time. he has no balls and I'm still waiting for him to say sorry to another man. Thanks for virtual love and support.