I’m feeling incredibly confused.
My husband walked out on me while I was pregnant. He said it was due to constant arguments and I believe no one else was involved.
We started marriage therapy and lots of secrets/lies he has been telling over the course of our marriage, came out during this process. There were also a lot of things I needed to agree to be ok with for our relationship to work and I feel like each sessions there’s some other demand on me whether it’s that I need to be fine with porn, or I need to take the children and give him more space to himself at the weekend.
I agreed to most of this as I just wanted our family back together and he’s now come home.
We agreed to draw a line under the past, which I have done, but as the weeks go on I wonder if too much damage has been done now. I feel like I’m not even sure if I love him anymore. He’s been making a lot of effort with buying me gifts and saying he loves me, but it feels like returning the gesture sticks in my throat. He’s commenting now that I seem down and I try to say I’m not and paint on a smile and make small talk to hide how I feel so he won’t ask me more about how I’m feeling, as I truly don’t know what I want at the moment.
I feel exhausted with the arguments and the emotional impact all this has had and do just want a period of calm so it’s tempting to just plod along and keep the peace, especially as my baby is due soon. I also don’t want to be unfair to him by telling him I’m not happy and don’t feel the same way about him anymore, and that we are over, without being certain.
I knew things would feel different with him coming back but I had expected I would start to feel close to him again after a few weeks/months but if anything I feel further apart from him emotionally than when we had moved out and we were at least rowing over whatsapp.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I really wanted him to come home and now he has I don’t know if I want him. I’m also upset as he seems not at all sexually interested in me, but he is happy to use porn frequently. I wonder if this relationship is dead and he only came back for the kids too. He says that’s not the case but does keep saying how much he missed being a family.
I don’t even know how I work out what I really think/feel about him. But right now I feel more alone with him than I did when he had moved out. It’s so sad as we used to be so close. I loved him so much. I think it’s all now just been ruined.