Toxic aunt, currently very LC - I'm back again for advice

[ohfourfoxache]

I'm sorry to post again but I really need to talk this over with people who understand.

Previous thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1702132-I-probably-am-being-unreasonable-but-please-be-gentle-UPDATE?pg=4&order=

Well, 4.5 years on and I'm doing better. We've been lucky enough to have 2 amazing boys (2.5 and 13 weeks), I'm on ML from a job I adore, DH is in a better work environment. I'm on a dose of ADs that suit me, have had anti psychotics added to my ADs and have had extensive and intense psychotherapy. DSis and DBIL got married and have 2 boys (2 and 1 week!) and are very happy, parents doing great. We've all been extremely low contact with my aunt and her wanker husband since March 2013.

So, what's changed?

My aunt is currently in hospital and things aren't going particularly well. Mum and Dad have been to see her. I'm sure she'll be ok, but a complex routine procedure has gone wrong and she will need to have multiple surgeries in the coming weeks.

Added to this that my beautiful 1 week old nephew spent his first few days in SCBU having stopped breathing and had a seizure. Mercifully he's doing ok now but will need close monitoring.

Aunt is very distressed, both because of her current situation and also because of DNephew; she wants to be in a position to offer support. She has said to Mum that she doesn't know what she's done wrong, but she "just wants her family around her".

Wise MNetters, what the fuck do I do?

On one hand, not really being in contact has been bliss. No one has had to walk on eggshells at get togethers. We've not had to put up with (and more importantly the boys haven't been exposed to) abhorrent racism, homophobia

Sorry, fat fingers

homophobia and general toxicity. I've not had to hide feeling down, and it's just been so much nicer.

But the last few weeks has jolted us all into thinking life is too short. And she obviously misses us and wants "back into the fold".

Mum says that, no matter what, it's not going back to the way it was. But she means holidays with them and suchlike. I'm thinking more along the lines of her treating us all like adults (dh is nearly 40 ffs) and stop putting others down and telling them what to do. On the very few occasions she's met DS1 she takes over parenting and tells him what to do (she doesn't have dc)

I think I'm going to be able to answer my own question here, but please, if you've got any advice or have faced this yourself I'd be so grateful to hear from you. I can't even say that my head says one thing and my heart says another because they're both on the same page. I just suspect that a family decision will be made to increase contact and I'll be pressured into going along with it

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1702132-I-probably-am-being-unreasonable-but-please-be-gentle-UPDATE?pg=4&order=

Hopefully this is a clicky link

My advice to you is to stay very low contact.

Thanks Barbarian

Any tips on avoiding upsetting my family? And avoiding feeling like a heartless bitch?

Keep your distance! Tell your family you're sure they'll understand but the health and happiness of your family has to take priority now for you.

Then deflect any suggestions to meet up, be busy or just say "that won't work for us".

Exposing your children to "racism, homophobia and general toxicity" isn't going to lead to anyone's happiness except maybe your aunts and stuff her..

Have some contact but be a bit grey rock. You have ticked a box but not let them 'in' as such that way.
I am back in touch with a family member I have had no contact with for a decade. She and the husband are abusive but in totally different ways. The second either of them revert, I will be done with them. She has cancer though and I am doing the LC grey rock thing as I feel I don't want to be the utter bastard that maintains the NC. I am trying LC and grey rock it's working currently. They will revert. Their poor behaviour is part of their fundamental personalities but I feel I must make the effort and tread the fine line.

That's how I feel Flavia - that this is potentially for her benefit but no on else's.

And yes Weegie, their personalities will ensure that they fuck up again. I'm just not sure that I want to give them the opportunity when the outcome is obvious.

Can you tell me a bit more about going grey rock? I think I know the basics but if you could explain a bit I'd be really grateful