Nothing in common

[ChickenMom]

I feel like I'm at a massive crossroads in my life. My marriage hasn't been happy for some time and we are both in counselling but I'm starting to realise that me and DH actually have nothing in common apart from the kids. I think this is the core of our issues. He is very highly intelligent and I often don't even understand the words he uses. It's exhausting. I'm losing my self confidence and self esteem and feel that he needs to be with somebody more on his wavelength. I daily feel a sense of condescension from him and I'm guessing it's because I simply don't have the brain capacity to relate to him. I love simple things like good food and dancing and good laughs but he isn't really interested in the things I am. Normal life is too boring for him. I noticed today that although I followed him on twitter months ago, he hasn't followed me back. The people he's followed are all "like him" including funky, trendy, pink haired type skinny girls with interesting names and lives. It makes me feel crap to be honest and I'm wondering if I should walk away to preserve my self esteem. Any advice gratefully received.

Don't put yourself down so much! He may be intelligent but its not smart or kind to be condescending to you.

I think your husband deliberately tries to make you feel inferior, and sadly it's working. I would wager that if you really start to pay attention to how he speaks to you, you will see he is emotionally abusing you to somehow bolster his own fragile ego. Leave him. You will be so much happier.

Using big words is a sign of education, not intelligence! I am far better educated than my husband, but he is the more intelligent of the two of us. Using big words to make someone feel inferior is not intelligence, it's just mean!

What did you used to have in common? There must have been something that drew you to each other when you first met and fell in love.

To be fair, I'm far more educated than my husband and I would be considered the 'smart' one of the two of us (I have a PhD, am an academic, much more prestigious profession than my dh). He is more a creative type and though very successful, professionally we are in very different worlds that wouldn't mix. But that's fine. Because I'm not an a-hole who acts condescending towards him. Frankly, we aren't even talk about work to each other (he more so than me as he's self-employed, so he runs business decisions by me as some we make jointly). I think he would struggle to even explain to someone what it is that I do. But it doesn't mean we don't have anything in common.

We get along so well because we have so many other interests in common and that's what drew us together. You must have things you both love to do or things that drew you together. You said he doesn't like things that are too normal and boring. What does he like? Have his interests changed over the years? Have yours? Though it sounds like that really isn't the problem. It sounds like he's acting like a big of a condescending jerk and isn't supportive of you. I only use twitter professionally and I follow other professionals in my field. I sure as heck don't follow random cute guys. My dh doesn't follow random women on social media either. That's weird and disrespectful all around and it has nothing to do with whether or not you like the same food or music. So don't sell yourself short. It doesn't sound like you aren't good enough for him or 'on his wavelength' but that he's being really unkind and unsupportive of you. Have you talked about this with your counselor?

Thank you all for your replies. I've been sitting here thinking about what drew us together. I remember about a year ago on a rare trip to a coffee shop (something I like to do) he said to me "when we first met you were smart, pretty and fun but you're none of those things really are you" and I think that's it. I moved from where I loved and where I had lots of lovely friends to follow his job. We lost our fun social circle which he was the centre of. We then had kids and I became a SAHM while he set up a business. He travelled lots and worked long hours so somebody (me) had to hold down on the homefront. That's when he started to lose respect and talk to me like dirt. He has always liked having his own way but when I became dependent on him financially he basically became a 1950's jerk. I keep hoping the counselling will help but I've got 8 years of resentment and "shitty" condescending things he's said in my head. I need to start to get back me but very hard to do that as my self confidence is in the gutter!

That’s a really horrible thing to say, shocking.

I haven’t worked for a few years (several reasons, youngest child just turned 18). My OH’s attitude has definitely changed as I’m the one at home (although he doesn’t work long hours at all). It’s a given that I’ll do the housework, laundry etc. I don’t actually mind most of the time but I don’t have young children. But it is really annoying to be taken for granted.

Big words do not a nice person make. Just because you like different things, it doesn’t mean they are of any lesser value. Sounds like he expects life to be fun, fun, fun all the time. It usually isn’t, especially when you have young kids and therefore a fairly restricted and tiring routine.

I'd start making plans to leave. How about going back into work or training as a first step? For one thing, it'll get you some external validation and job (or study!) satisfaction, which will help rebuild your self-esteem. And for another, it'll get you on your way to independence.

That’s a horrible thing to say and no wonder your feeling low. Don’t ever feel that you are not as good as him - in my experience the people that use the big words are just as insecure as some people that use too much make up..you sounds like a lovely person who deserves better

He travelled lots and worked long hours so somebody (me) had to hold down on the homefront. That's when he started to lose respect and talk to me like dirt. He has always liked having his own way but when I became dependent on him financially he basically became a 1950's jerk.

I feel sorry for him. He has a mountain to climb if he wishes to have a serious and respectful relationship and home life. He may have to learn the hard way, including his relationship with his children which relationship may haunt him a long time.

Strange he's following YW on twitter.... But building up your own self esteem is the best thing you can do. No one can do this for you. Ive been the main bread winner for a few years now in my house and my DH is between jobs at the moment and on the surface seems happy about it but underneath is very angry and the slightest thing will set him off. It's affecting his sense of worth and no matter how sensitive I am I'm always in the wrong and a 'terrible' partner. Treading on egg shells. He's even gone as far as telling me to move out as he thinks I take him for granted even though I do a lot round the house and with kids as well as work. I won't leave our kids and he is always falling out with work colleagues friends his family and my family so he'll just drag the kids round from place to place because he doesn't ever get on with people if we break up. He says he does everything for me but is a rude pig to me putting me down all the time. I think he should leave but he won't and says it because he's been looking after kids. Very unhappy. He also can't handle money and has built up a lot of debt. Only thing I can do is hope he'll get a job he likes and feel better about himself and stop blaming me for his problems.