Many years ago, I was on a thread where I was the only one who had given a cheater a second chance. I was ridiculed. Once again, and for the second time.
I have not read your whole thread, and I do not feel the need to. I will reply at face value.
Swallow your pride.
Only then can you open up all your senses to explore you . Get rid of that irrational anger. It is OK to wallow a bit. But only a bit and don't push it on further than you feel comfortable.
Then forget the past. We cannot travel back in time. We are not time travellers, that’s for books and films. We only have today. Actually, we only have right now.
From my experience it was the actions of both of us, that led to my partner having an affair. I can see from your post (and others) that you get that. I do not know your reason. If it was neglect, I neglected them also. Too involved in my work to see the signs they were lonely. It was never always that way, but it became that way because when children came along in quick succession they were the focus of my endeavors. To build a safe, happy and financially secure home. That was a concept in my mind which did not involve other people.
Good people grow. Two good people can grow together. But they grow apart if they do not communicate. It is the treasure of communication that binds us. When that fails, we spiral down. We split and have to learn to take our own independent paths in life, come what may. Then you have to imagine what could have been, but for a bit of communication. A bit of self-effacing, "dropping the act", down to earth communication.
Two wrongs do not make a right, as they say.
Counselling can be great, but a counsellor has to learn, move on also. They are also learning, from each person or couple they are in front of. When is a counsellor an expert? A wise sage? They are never at the top of their game, because there is so much to learn. From each of us.
Those little voices that sit on our heads or sit on our shoulders are very destructive. It is easy to let them in. "The bastard!". "You don't deserve this." Despatch with them. For these are the voices and cumulative baggage in our heads of how we should think and behave since we were children.
Swallow your pride.
I walked for miles in deep snow. I wept at my parents' funeral that same week. Sometimes shit falls upon us but it is how we deal with it that counts.
I made my decision based on what could be. The past is irrelevant to decisions. It is the future that should affect our decisions. Sometimes we have to look at what is around us. Taking in all the information, the changes. Ultimately going with our gut.
I gave my cheating partner a second chance. It took several hard and difficult months. But I am glad I did, because now having communicated, constantly, constantly, constantly, we are in a different place. Damn hard work, and sometimes you have to fight the negativity back. But it gets easier with time. Now it is easier, communication comes naturally. Our lives are richer and we are where we each wanted to be. We are open, honest and more dynamic.
I am glad I gave her another chance because in doing so I have the relationship I want with the woman I want.
I realise now that I forgave her because of one thing.
I loved her.
I still do and we are in a richer place.