I'm in love with someone else

[N0Way]

Hi guys,
I have been married for almost two years.
During the first year of our marriage hubby and I had a really tough time. We had screaming fights and I simply felt that we weren't as connected as i have been with anyone else in previous relationships. It was a really dark time. I was so depressed and didn't feel like I was being treated as well as I could have been. He had major issues about being the 'man' of the house and being respected. I am an alpha female and always have been, and he said to me it was either me or him that would run sh*t. Eventually reached a point where I was broken.
About 6 months ago I started talking to someone online. I'm not going to justify why, it is wrong and I know it. He and I have an immense connection. He is so kind and caring, and we laughed all the time. We talked about everything from religion and world issues, to farts
Whenever I needed him he would be there, even in the middle of the night he will wake up and be willing to call me. Whereas my husband has a rule where I can't wake him up in the middle of the night, and I can't look at him or talk to him in the morning before work. If I bring up a certain issue at the wrong time to my husband he will tell me I ruined his day by not appreciating what he was doing at the time.. if that makes sense.

I was ready to leave at one point. Then things started changing. I'm not sure if I got used to my husband or he is changing, but I don't see the monster I once did. He is becoming calmer, and more caring. He is very supportive of what I do and is suddenly more responsive to me, although I haven't seen much changes in his misogynistic views. He has a good heart overall. And we have a 'comfortable' life together. We are both successful professionals and what we can achieve together is very big. I ended things with the other man, but I still love him. What I feel towards him is something I have never felt before. Now I walk around feeling like I'm missing something.

I just want to know if anyone has been in this situation, and what I should do? Is it the fact that I had something missing with my husband and I filled it with this illusion of the other man? Or am I just a spoilt brat who wants attention? Or do I really love this guy and should go to him?

I'm sorry this is so long, and please i don't want to discuss morality the guilt I feel is already overbearing I just want to know what to do.

Thanks guys

I'm very sorry to hear. I hope you are all alright. Cannot even imagine.
Well I'm trying to fix things. I never actually met the guy, and I ended it. This mess is really about me more than anyone around me.

Go read some John Gottman books, google him he's amazing! He even has a 'love lab'! Science based research.

I am an alpha female and I wouldn’t even contemplate getting close to somebody who would tell me how to live my life and ‘rule shit’. I know we will fight until there is no one left standing. There is no point. You will fight to be top dog and so will he if that is your nature. I absolutely could not cope with a controlling partner. I will be out, no matter what. He is not breaking me and subjugating me.

Now I understand everyone is different and some individuals might love it when there is somebody to sort life’s stuff out for them and make all the decisions. They would see it as small price to show a little obedience. You see it plenty on here. It’s courses for horses. What is one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

What I would say is look at your marriage without taking the OM into equation. He is a separate thing. Decide what you want to do about the marriage first. You are in a fortunate position not having children in the mix, this complicates matters so much more.

Good luck!

Definitely having a look at these books.
Thanks justwonderingz

Do you still love your husband? It may be that there is more to it than just financial status but you need to figure this out.

I think first step is to get your head screwed on straight. This other guy may just be an escape from reality for you.

Get over/past your feelings for him.

Then if you decide you want to be with your husband go to marriage counselling and make a real effort to make it work. Irrespective of the good days and bad days.

Don't leave it too long as you may unwillingly push your husband away - he may no longer be waiting there when you are ready!

@N0Way I was in a similar situation to you about a year ago would a disrespectful husband. For Christmas i paid for us to go to NY for his 30th as he has a friend out there. I had to work overtime for months to save the £3000 to do it. I even did overtime for his spending money. He used to self harm or threaten to and say it was my fault, I made him so something he didn’t want to do, I caused it as I disagreed with him, or Because his son from a previous relationship has ASD. Whilst in NY with his friends he ignored me, shouted at me, insulted me. Mostly behind doors so he didn’t look like the dick he was. But one day he did it in public in our hotel and a guy saw. That night he left me to go drinking with his friends so I was alone. I went to the bar to drink by myself and think about my options when the guy from the morning came over to check I was ok. We hit it off and got completely trashed and went on a bar crawl. We ended up kissing. I regretted it at the start, but then I realised that I wouldn’t have done it if I loved my husband. I told my husband and he was awful to start with but when I said I was leaving g he tried to act like he should have always done. Me and the guy from NY still talk and he is an amazing friend and nothing more. I personally feel that your heart rules everything. Yours already knows what you want . You can’t change you heart to suit your head xxxx

Op, you say your husband has become nicer. Has he really or are you changing how you act around him to avoid his negative reactions? It can become a habit and years later you realise you are living a lie as you have changed but he hasn’t. The OM is a red herring - he is someone you feel you can be yourself with but you are going to cause all sorts of problems by becoming involved with him. You need to sort your marriage first. Be who you really are with your husband and if he doesn’t like it, leave.

Thank you for everything guys and for sharing your experiences. Definitely have some stuff to figure out.
I do think it's me who is just accepting it..