People who only talk about themselves / never talk about emotions

[tallstork]

My relationship and family life is in crisis. Can anyone help me understand my DP?

DP is a lovely person, very caring in his actions. But his conversation is only ever about himself and never about emotions.

So if I say "This thing happened today" his response would be "oh yes, that thing happened to me before" followed up with the story about what happened to him. No opportunity for me to talk about the thing that happened to me. Every time.

If I say "I think we should do this" and he agrees, he says "yes I was thinking we should do that". Even something as simple as "let's have pasta for dinner" would get the answer "yes I was thinking that" instead of "yes, good idea". Every time.

We never talk about my feelings. Every time I try, he tries to end the conversation. If I push it, we end up talking about him. He's depressed and he says he feels suicidal.

He seems to not know how to have a conversation where the other person is the subject of the conversation. Ever.

But the thing is, I've googled this and a lot of the stuff online about this are about narc people. DP's not a narc. He's a lovely guy. He's the type of person who shows his kindness in actions. He will get up at 4pm to drive friends and neighbours to the airport without thinking twice. He pulls his weight in the house, he's does lots of little and big actions to show his love for me. But he can't connect using language. I feel so alone.

I think he's either terrified of feeling emotions and has shut his emotional side off so he doesn't have to feel it at all. He's had significant bereavements, perhaps it's a reaction to this.

Or maybe he's actually lacking the ability to empathise with others.

You wouldn't think it if you knew him socially, he's the life and soul of the party. Although he does tend to go on about himself, he's done lots of cool stuff and he's interesting, kind and fun in a social situation. I assumed there was another level of emotional depth he'd reveal over time. But it's like he's locked it away.

I'm concerned for his mental health, obviously he needs to see the doctor because he's been depressed for at least a year ago now and he's mentioned suicidal thoughts a few times now.

He's also unhappy as he's out of work right now and feels useless. This isn't helping the depression. He's shouty with the kids and that has to stop.

But I'd appreciate some help with any insight about this. Does anyone have experience of this?

What can I do? (Please no LTB - I'm after insight and help for my family).

T.I.A.

Just to add, like your DH, I also find criticism hard to take. Harder than most people find it I think. Likewise I am better than I used to, since I gradually started to realise how unattractive a quality it is in people. Again, i have to work at it, but I'm better at it, or at least pretending to be better at it!

I think most people find it incredibly difficult cheese, particularly if it's a 'you always do this' type of criticism rather than 'this one particular thing you just did a couple of minutes ago on this one occasion'. I certainly do!

That's why your friend's approach was inspired. I must remember to listen more carefully next time friends are commenting on someone else's behaviour! Maybe it's me they're aiming at!

I have certainly done the 'this is what happened to me' thing mistaking it for empathy. And to a certain extent i think it is justified - if you have suffered the same horrible experience, mentioning it does convey that you understand a bit. But the trick is to mention it quickly, then go back to the person's story and let them talk about that.

You say that hes one of the good guys, but if hes banging on about himself all the time, wont listen to others and wont take any personal criticism do you really think that viewpoint is correct?
What are you getting out of being with him and all his issues and problems? Wheres your happiness?

My first thought was Asperger’s too. I’ve just been diagnosed myself and my Dad would be diagnosed too but they don’t have adult assessments in his area.

And see... there we are ... I’m talking about myself straight away but that’s my way of empathising by demonstrating that I understand via my own experience. Pretty much all my empathy comes via remembering how things were for me when I went through similar. It’s harder to imagine what it is like for someone else with no personal experience to base it on.

Depression won’t be helping. I saw a brilliant counsellor through a mental health charity - she worked with me for years to help me learn to identify and express feelings. It can be learned. But tackle the depression first.

Hope it all works out.

OP - I realise that you are in an unhappy place, however, your posts also read like you are on a mission to change your husband.
And it’s never a good place to be.
And it won’t work, adults don’t really change. At least not as much as you want him to change.

Some of the things you said made me 🤔.
For e.g., him saying - he was also thinking about having past when you suggested it. I think it’s his way of agreeing, but somehow to you it’s

• what? - ignoring and not complimenting you on this original idea? (See how it sounds strange? I exaggerated on purpose, to make my point)

You say - he is one of the good guys. You say - he is depressed. And that you don’t want to leave him.

So - in reality you only have two choices -
One,
you support him with his depression. And I hope it gets better - because his unhappiness surely affects your family life.
And, regardless of the causes of him communicating the way he does - you figure out how you can better deal with that.

Or two
You can continue to change him. And - continue how it is now. It won’t get better. He doesn’t see that something needs changing. So it won’t.
This path is only leading to more arguments and unhappiness.

I am not saying that no one should ever change the situation they don’t like. It’s only you who can decide whether the good - (and you say he shows his love by a lot of actions) - outweighs the bad - (which seems to just be centered on how he talks).

People are raising some valid points about people’s ability to change, but it’s not impossible depending on what is causing this behaviour.

I never expected my DH to change after being diagnosed as autistic. For me, knowing that his apparent lack of interest has nothing to do with how he actually feels, has made a huge difference in how I deal with it. But he has also realised that some of his behaviour is difficult to understand for neurotypical people, and sometimes upsetting. So he is making a real effort to avoid this.

There are books available which help people on the spectrum to communicate in a way that makes sense to neurotypicals. There are also books to help neurotypicals understand people on the spectrum better.

Basically, what I’m saying is that IF your DH is on the spectrum and you are both willing to put in the effort to meet in the middle, it is possible to make huge improvements.

This is me, I do this to be empathetic but maybe its the wrong approach.