What would you call this

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Just got on the train with OH. I took a seat and left a seat opposite from me for him. All the while smiling he mutters under his breath about my seat choice and how I should have left closest seat for him. I just got up and moved to a different seat. He literally picks at me for no reason. So sick of it.

This is called Married to an Asshole Syndrome. The cure is divorce.

Oh dear.
I took OH to mean he was your partner, not your husband.

Neither you nor your children deserve to tolerate his cowardice, filthy language, mean spirited & bullying behaviour. Start to keep a record of all instances of this abuse as they could prove useful regarding access to the children. Consider seeing a solicitor for advice. Start separating your finances & savings if possible. Copy all family photos onto a memory stick. Get all official documents, e.g marriage & birth certs, family passports, financial/bank/car dox out of the house and somewhere safe. Be careful not to move too fast & arouse his suspicions though.

Read through the relationship pages - there is a wealth of information on here. Keep notes & info password protected or in a notebook at work, keep every text message & forward a copy/ screenshot to another phone or email address. Stay safe, & good luck.

He took the first seat.

I bet he gives nothing.

Next train journey stand at the door.
Open..
And shove the fucker off. .

It’s time to think about you.

You so do not have to live like this. You do t have to accept that this is how you should be treated.

You need some friend time, family time, head space.

What do you want? How do you feel about him? Because it will be hard but you do t have to live like this.

@Rarity75 - I can't stand him. I honestly don't know how anybody could live with him he is impossible.

@whatsavings - I have started to get my ducks in a row. I actually made a thread the other day with a list of things I've started doing.

I am currently learning how to drive, sorting out medical/dental issues (as he has brilliant insurance) and have booked a counsellor for the week after next. Finances wise I've started to pay down my credit card. He keeps wanting me to spend more money and create more debts but I'm being fairly strong on this one.

@NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5
He’s really awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know myself; that flashpoint when you must accept your “partner” actually fucking hates you and it will not change. It’s an awfully bitter but necessary truth to swallow, but after that you get this eerie clarity about what you need to start doing.
Stay quiet and don’t react to him. You will be shot of this pond-scum at some point and then every step gets easier.

Keep going lady, I for one am cheering you on.
He’s a lousy cowardly fucker. Karma will prevail!

@lollipop7 - thanks very much for your support it means a lot. Part of me is terrified of the thoughts of going it alone. A bigger part of me is so excited at the prospect of going alone and having peace and quiet.

Get rid of the fucker

@springydaffs - I definitely intend to. Feels like I've so much to do practically before I get rid but I have Sept 2018 as a date in my head

Why so long?

Could you post what you need to get sorted out so we could have a look at the list?

@springydaffs - sure I'll post now:

• Learn to drive and pass my test
• Counselling
• Save some money without being obvious (have nothing saved)
• Pay off credit card and loan (likely to take a while)
• Sort out pension and full time job (am currently taking to my boss about increasing hours and getting a pension. If not I'll have to look for one)

To reply to your to-do list:

• Is driving essential? You're post was about being on the train. Surely that can continue if you moved out/asked him to?
• Counselling (great idea)
• Although nothing saved, would you be entitled to any benefits whilst living on your own?
• Could you ask loan provider for a payment holiday? They don't have to but could give you a month or two breathing space.

You cannot stay in this sort of environment for another year. It will be damaging to you!

Uffft. My ex ALWAYS changed places if I chose a seat in a restaurant. It was so soul destroying, I used to make sure he went in first cos i would dread picking and it being wrong. Just one of the many ways he would control me. He's an EX for many other reason too.

@K0729P - I do need to learn to drive, it is excluding me from applying for a lot of well paid jobs in my area. I also need it to transport the kids to/from school. I am seem to be progressing well enough with it though and would hope to have my licence by March.

Benefits - I'm not sure. I need to check out on that. I think my earnings are just above the threshold to qualify for anything. Realistically I do need some sort of savings behind me and also need to have my credit card and a lot of the loan gone, as it is a high amount of debt.

I know the environment is damaging, but I feel with the counselling it will give me the strength to make plans and leave with everything sorted.

DD had to have an OT assessment and the report came back yesterday. It is looking highly likely she has dyspraxia, SPD and a question mark over dyslexia (waiting on an educational psychologist assessment). This will require OT intervention and is likely we will have to go private - another reason to wait on a bit as he gets good health insurance. To be honest this was a bit of a shock as I had suspected SPD and dyslexia but not dyspraxia.

Bit of an update. Out of the blue on Saturday night OH asked me if I love him. I couldn't lie so I said no. I told him that I am going to counselling and suggested that he goes to someone too. He suggested couples counselling but I put him off by saying we'd go ourselves first.

From his perspective he still loves me and is going around looking suicidal since the chat (unfortunately that sorrowful face just reminds me of MIL which isn't a good thing). He thinks he can change and wants to change but I have no interest in making an effort, I just feel all the love has died.

I suppose I don't know where to go from here. Financially we are not in a great position to be splitting up, my credit card is colossal and I only have a part-time job.

If you don’t love him you need to split. Don’t stay for any other reason. You will be damaging all of your mental health and confusing your dcs with their view of what a relationship should look like. I bet once you have split you will wish you had done it sooner (I wish I had done as I felt it robbed me of all self respect and self esteem staying until I could bear it no more!)

I'm glad you're starting to get yourself sorted but you if you stay for that much longer things are going to get worse and it'll be very bad for your health. Is there anyone who can help you out?

@Fragglewump - I'm not quite sure where to go from here now that I've said it. I was just wondering should we both go to counselling and then split when we both have worked through our issues. I definitely can't afford counselling by myself.

@cakecakecheese - my family could help me out but financially we are in a really rough position. OH is due a bonus in the next few months which could help us out but if were left on my own I would literally have no money.

I do understand the difficulty (I put my own split off for a variety of reasons) - I think that counselling now would focus on your issues in your relationship whereas counselling once split might help you move forward quicker. Re the financials - the less money you have the more help you get with rent /topping up income so perversely sometimes it’s better to be poorer. I know how difficult it is and I’m thinking of you.

@Fragglewump - thank you so much for replying and your support. I just feel so caught at the moment. It doesn't help with DD's potential diagnosis for dyspraxia and SPD. I just feel mentally exhausted.

OH is being on his best behaviour and I do genuinely feel like he is remorseful for past things but the love has died for me. Too much has been said and done. I really wish he felt the same as me.