How can I stop OH talking to me like I'm a piece of s*it in front of dds?

[LittleMonkiesMum]

He normally wouldn't do this, but every couple of weeks he seems to be absolutely vile to me in front of children. We have always had a volatile relationship, and both have firey tempers, but since DD is getting to the age where she is understanding things more, I manage to control mine and wouldn;t lose it infront of them her. DD is 17 months so whilst doesn;t understand 100%, will obviously get the gist iykwim.
On Mothers day in a huge rant he called me a nasty bitch and yesterday he called me stupid, told me to f*cking grow up when I wouldn;t discuss it with him. No point going in to details, but it just has to stop. Following these outbursts, several hours to a day later, he is apologetic, and vows it won;t happen again, but it's too late imo. I do not want my girls to grow up thinking it's ok to communicate or be communicated with in that way. I warned him two 'episodes' ago that the next time it happened I would take the girls away to my parents for a few days to give him some time to think, but realisticaly, my parents live about 100 miles away, and for various other reasons I haven't been able to follow that threat through. What can I do? I can not think of a way to stop him doing it. I am controlled and firm with him when he is doing this, but nothing I say works. He doesn;t realise how wrong he is when doing it, it is only afterwards that he can see how he has been, and it's too late by then. I can;t ask him to move out for a few days because he just won;t.
I know I'm in danger of sounding like a pushover, which I'm not, but I do not have a strategy which works in these situation which does not involve losing my temper in front of dc. In all honesty, when he is being like this, it takes every bit of strength I have not to lower myself to h his level.
Sorry for waffling. Thanks

I would be devastated if my dh spoke to me like that. I wouldn't tolerate at any time and nor should you.

I would ask him if he has any warning signs this outbrust is coming, maybe then he can take note and head upstairs till his calmed down. Most of us have a early warning, be it red mist, shaking, heart beating fast ect. Ask hi9m to think hard about the impact on the kids.
Hope this helps

Hi

Ive already suggested this in another thread but, have you thought about taping him when he is in full throw then playing it back to him once he has calmed down. He might be quite shocked to hear himself.

I too suffer from vile outbursts from my DP. I did used to just stand in fron of him, taking it but now, the minute he starts i just walk away, i leave the room, leave the house, whatever it takes. If he doesn't have me in front of him to shout at then he has no reason to shout. Refuse to be his captive audience.

At a time he's being contrite you could suggest he has anger management counseling (sp?) I like the idea of taping him if you could do it though, that might be a really good wake up call. Whatever you choose though, do something. Jalopy's right, you shouldn't just take it

lmm, totally agree with the advice but would also say that, like when you want respect from your kids, you must never make a threat you do not intend to keep..it's a mistake i've often made with my kids. I know we're talking about your dh here by the way - not your kids!!

Imo you are right to want to nip this in the bud and NOW. You need to make a plan now what you will do the next time. The moment he starts, pick up the kids, put them in their wellys and walk them to the park, or put them in the car and go to the movies, or into the garden, or to your mum's or a friends. Whatever is practical, but you MUST WALK AWAY.

Can you ask him to go away for a few days when he has calmed down?
I don't think I could handle being talked to like this either tbh in front of kids or not.

Taping sounds like a brilliant idea, not sure I could actually logistically organise it though, but worth thinking about. I do have a dictaphone actually, could try to make it available. Also the leaving the situation is so right. Will do that next time if at all possible, although he does have a habit of doing it when just leaving is not an option; in the car on the way to a good friends wedding is one example.

Jalopy, you are so right, I should not have to tolerate this, his behaviour is dispicable, and each time it happens, I feel that there is less chance of us having a future together. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will leave him if he continues to behave like this. Doesn't seem to stop him when he is seeing red though.

God, I bloody hate him when I think about this!

Can totally see where you're coming from - and it will always be in the car on the way to a good friends wedding! But still, watch out for opportunities to walk away, there will be some and even if it hardly seems worth it DO IT. The last time my dh was totally over the top with me, in semi-public, where we had gone together, I walked out and got a taxi back to my car (we had gone together) and went home. We didn't have the kids with us so it was relatively easy. He got the point.

It is a good thing that he recognises this serious problem that he has, but obviously he's not doing enough so you need to reinforce the message that you will not tolerate this.

He sounds like my dad. my mum always tried to reason with him and his behaviour got worse and worse.

If he speaks to you like this you look him straight in the eye and in a very firm voice you say 'I will NOT be spoken to like this.' Then you walk away and you do not speak to him again until he apologises. If you do not set limits he will carry on doing it. It's perhaps a behaviour he learned from one of his parents,
so, to him it is normal.

You are better than this!