Strange Relationship with DH

[TwoBearsandCat]

DH is really determined we stay together and won't allow us to split. I'm 50-50 anyway as I would struggle to bring up 2 kids alone. No family to help.

He's great at helping and does all the shopping, cooking and driving. I tend to do kids, washing and cleaning. We both work and earn roughly the same.

He's got very secretive with money, we used to go through spending together to even out who's spent what now for about a year he won't do that ever or have a joint account. I don't think particularly I'm losing out but just weird he's stopped.

We don't sleep together and haven't for a year or so. He would hurt me a bit then laugh when I told him. He wouldn't agree to me leaving so I moved to a different room.

He's told me he's going away this half term for work though strangely wouldn't tell me where and said we should go away. He said kids and I should go to different location to him. Thought he meant he would pay for us but no. All very strange.

Won't let me have any of his e-mail passwords but used to insist on mine. I've changed them now. He's adamant he's not having an affair and its plausible he's not though am not 100 percent. To be honest I don't care that much.

I don't understand why he keeps insisting we stay together when it is so obviously over. I don't mind living like this but its weird. He doesn't seem able to cope at the thought of splitting saying he will commit suicide.

I don't even know what I'm asking but the weirdness is getting to me. I'm very anxious and too scared to go it alone. We are happy quite a bit of the time, lovely holidays etc but he seems to be playing happy families when we aren't.

It’s emotional blackmail

If you leave I will kill myself

You are allowing him to keep you prisoner in a marriage you don’t want to be in

Of course you would be fine on your own

Who cares what he’s doing at half term, it’s a red herring

Get on with your own life this isn’t a dress rehearsal

He's keeping you on your toes - to make you constantly wonder what's he going to do next?

His actions are the polar opposite to his words. I would tread with caution.

Get all your ducks in a row - plan your escape!

A woman's refuge with an ASD child is better than the unthinkable...

I do think there's a mental health issue involved with delusional thinking though I'm not exactly sure what. He appears much better on anti depressants. It does get worse if I say about leaving and I do think he thinks I'm going off with another man. He always seems to think a man is trying to steal me when he's in a bad phase. It doesn't seem to focus on my behaviour more other men's.

Like one time I was moving things into the garden when my son was a toddler. A man with a toddler could see I was struggling and offered to open the door for me. When I told DH he said I wasn't allowed to do any work outside the house again and seemed to think this man was trying to start a relationship. He's better at the moment but I don't really have any contact with men well there are a few at work but he knows I don't even have a lunch break there and then am back with kids. I do have a couple of male friends who e-mail once a year but if we ever meet up he will ruin it and we always meet as a family, he will just get really angry about something silly. I have another male friend whom I'm in contact more regularly but we never meet, he doesn't really like this one as he's told me to leave and contact women's aid in the past but I tell him about the messages and he seems able to cope with that.

I've seen him taking the AD regularly so yes he is and his behaviour changes dramatically on them for the better. The doctor though tried to wean him off in and thankfully DH said no. He's OK on anti depressants but I don't want him off them again without some alternative from the doctor. I can understand the doctor not wanting him on them long term but it seems to be the only thing that works he will try. I think he maybe having counselling too as he's at the doctors most days but will always say its for his eye or his ear but I can't see he can be seeing doctors that regularly for that.

He may well have depression but it also like he has psychotic symptoms, delusions of your unfaithfulness. It is dangerous. He won't be reassurable whatever you do. It would be useful to know if the drs treating him are even aware of this nugget of delusions. Would it be possible to have a word with his dr in confidence to give him a heads up....he really needs a psychiatric assessment. If he won't go but he is talking of harming you or himself as a result of these delusions then the gp can arrange for an assessment for a section.
You need to take it seriously and make sure at least the gp has an overview of what he's like. He's compartmentalising everything so I guess no-has a complete picture of him yet. It's not helpful to him or you.

If he is suicidal I would worry whether he wants peace and space to go through with it. Sorry OP but experience of my own tells me this is one option.

While he is away turn the house upside down looking for bank statements, anything that can assist you in either leaving /filing from divorce. . When I was still living with exh I filed for divorce and didn't tell him.

It also sounds very much like emotional abuse.

Please look after yourself and your dcs, op. You need someone in authority to take the risk he poses to you & the dcs seriously.

It sounds like paranoia. I think he has a serious mental health condition. Maybe paranoid schizophrenia, or bi bolar. I suspect also he’s been diagnosed and that’s why he is at the docs so often. Maybe he’s being hospitalised instead of going on holiday. Maybe that’s what he’s hiding, his illness.

Either way it’s not right. Have you looked st his medication, is it ads and are you sure it’s all he is taking?

I think you need to seek urgent advice from your GP and from Women's Aid, though for god's sake don't let him know you're doing it.

Thinking about it, it sounds like schizo affective disorder, which I know a lot of people with Asperger also have for some reason. A gp won't be able to diagnose this he needs a psychiatrist.

I'm not an expert but I have been diagnosed with this before or told it's more likely schizophrenia. I have to take anti psychotics and mood stabilers every day. If the GP is trying to cut back on the anti depressants then he is not taking this seriously. You need to be referred on to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and the right meds.

Btw I'm not remotely dangerous, but I had trouble with a mentally ill family member a few years back. I had to ask my team to talk to theirs in an emergency appointment. A senior psychiatric chief nurse and a psychologist told me that the best way to keep safe or assess any danger I might be in is to trust my own instincts and acknowledge if I feel scared at all. They said that's what they do with violent patients.

How would he react to you going to the GP with him ?

Chief nurse? What's that auto correct?

I'm not going to try to diagnose your DH. But I will say that I believe he does have a mental disorder of some type and that based on what you say, he is not safe to be around.

Are you sure you are looking at him objectively based on the entirety of his actions? He may seem 'ok', but that's the hallmark of a dangerous person. So is secrecy. They are able to maintain the facade they need to maintain in order to stay under the radar with MH services AND their families.

I really think you are minimizing both his condition and the danger he may be to you and your children.

Thanks very much. I did try many times to get the doctors to get him a psychiatric assessment and told them about the paranoia / delusions. I saw a letter with an appointment in the post for an assessment but I don't believe he ever went though I can't be sure of that, doctors won't tell me and husband is quite evasive. Husband has only mentioned anti depressants and I've seen him take them on many occasions. He is visiting doctors around 3 times a week and this has been going on for a while, he always tells me its for his ear / eye etc but how many ear and eye appointments can a person have.

I wasn't at all happy when he told me the doctor was trying to reduce the meds but it was a good sign he told the doctor he couldn't cope on a lower amount. When I've discussed things with my husband he says the thoughts people want him dead are just part of depression but I think its more than that. The doctor did seem to be of the view its depression plus abuse rather than a more serious mental health condition but I'm not at all sure that's right. It does appear to come and go and be minimal when he's on anti depressants or whatever meds he's on. It doesn't match bipolar as he doesn't get high, have an acquaintance who bipolar and she's quite different. It does match schizo affective though obviously needs a psychiatrist to assess and they told me they will have issues as he denies everything to them.

Women's Aid advised to ignore his mental health and just leave but its not that simple, if we go the route of kicking him out he knows where we live. If we go the route of the refuge its temporary and both kids lose schools and lose TA. I'm also going through loads of hospital tests and he's driving me to them as I don't drive and some are for cancer. It's very doubtful it is cancer but I don't want to stop these tests now. He's given me some money tonight for the time we are away, I think it probably is a red herring and there's nothing going on this week. It's interesting schizo affective is linked to Aspergers. He's not diagnosed with Aspergers but school think son is and DH says he is and it runs down the male line. The two of them can be similar loving but in a very obsessive I can't share you way. He may well be getting more help than I think from the doctors, I hope so.

OP, appear to be minimising domestic abuse in your relationship.

This is taken from Women's Aid: Am I in an abusive relationship?

Has your partner tried to keep you from seeing your friends or family?

YesNo

Has your partner prevented you or made it hard for you to continue or start studying, or from going to work?

YesNo

Does your partner constantly check up on you or follow you?

YesNo

Does your partner unjustly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs with others?

YesNo

Does your partner constantly belittle or humiliate you, or regularly criticise or insult you?

YesNo

Are you ever afraid of your partner?

YesNo

Have you ever changed your behaviour because you are afraid of what your partner might do or say to you?

YesNo

Has your partner ever destroyed any of your possessions deliberately?

YesNo

Has your partner ever hurt or threatened you or your children?

YesNo

Has your partner ever kept you short of money so you are unable to buy food and other necessary items for yourself and your children or made you take out loans?

YesNo

Has your partner ever forced you to do something that you really did not want to do?

YesNo

Has your partner ever tried to prevent you from taking necessary medication, or seeking medical help when you felt you needed it?

YesNo

Has your partner ever tried to control you by telling you that you could be deported because of your immigration status?

YesNo

Has your partner ever threatened to take your children away, or said he would refuse to let you take them with you, or even to see them, if you left him?

YesNo

Has your partner ever forced or harassed you to have sex with him or with other people? Has he made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with?

YesNo

Has your partner ever tried to prevent your leaving the house?

YesNo

Does your partner blame his use of alcohol or drugs, mental health condition or family history for his behaviour?

YesNo

Does your partner control your use of alcohol or drugs (for example, by forcing your intake or by withholding substances)?

YesNo

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, this indicates that you may be experiencing domestic abuse.

OP, please think hard about this, for your children

Sorry, massive cross-post there. If you already know this is abusive, how do you feel about your children living in this atmosphere?

They are learning about relationships from you. They will see you as role models of how relationships work and they will think this is normal. They will think that being scared, isolated an unhappy is all they can aspire to in life.

If you kick him out you can use the law to keep him out if necessary - there are ways of doing this to keep women and children safe.

I don't think you can believe anything he says. I agree he sounds like he has psychotic symptoms (is it definitely a anti-depressant he is taking and not an anti-psychotic?). He does need a full psychiatric assessment but he is nowhere near seeking the appropriate help and has clearly told the doctor not to discuss his mental health with you. It sounds like a horrendous way to live, especially for you, but also for the children. I think you absolutely must look at going into a refuge. You need protection from him and you need to ensure any contact with the children is limited/supervised, until such time as his mental health is MUCH more stable.